Oscar Nominations Eve: Predicting Tomorrow’s Picks [I-am-DB]

The Oscar nominees drop tomorrow morning at 8 eastern, and at the 11th hour, ROTI’s official Oscars expert — the eponymous author of I-am-DB.com — is here to give you tomorrow’s news today. His guesses are below. Check back at ROTI for more Oscars crossposts from this great new movie & TV site.

Predicting the nominees has been a bitch this year.

For starters, everyone seems to agree that 2011 wasn’t all that strong a year for movies. There was a lot of good and not much great…yet almost every category sports an abundance of worthy nominees. And while a few frontrunners are starting to emerge, no win feels inevitable. Usually by this time, the countless critics awards and initial guild nominations have helped clarify the field a bit, with at least one or two categories sporting a sure-fire winner. Not so this year. Without the usual sense of passion centered around a handful of films, things seem more prone to change between now and late February. All of which makes it an exciting race, but not an easy one to forecast. The new Best Picture rules don’t exactly help either. What new Best Picture rules, you may ask? Well let’s get the party started and find out…

Oh, a note for the nine of you that have actually read these in the past: normally I include my personal nomination picks for each category, but I’ve decided to hold off on that this year since there are still a few key movies that have yet to arrive in the Bay Area or which I just haven’t had a chance to see. They include The Iron Lady, We Need to Talk About Kevin, Coriolanus and Albert Nobbs. I missed the boat on a few others, including the acclaimed indie Tyrannosaur, but once again I’m pleased to say that I’ve seen pretty much everything that’s part of the conversation (I even saw Margaret during its super-quick theatrical run! ). Anyway, at some point between now and the awards, I’ll be sure to publish my own picks. Because I’m way smarter than the Academy.

BEST PICTURE

The Artist
The Descendants
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
The Help
Hugo
Midnight in Paris
Moneyball
The Tree of Life

Now then: rule changes. Note that on the list above, I’ve included eight movies. The especially astute among you will further note that eight is less than ten. Remember two years ago, when the Academy decided there would be ten nominees for Best Picture instead of the traditional five? The change benefited movies that, it’s safe to say, wouldn’t have made the cut on a five-film list. (Think The Blind Side, 127 Hours and District 9, to name a few.) Well last June, the Academy announced it was shaking up the process even further. The number of nominees will now fall somewhere between five and ten, and we won’t know the tally until the nominations are revealed.

Those of you familiar with Johnny Dangerously will understand if I pause at this point to quote Roman Maroni, who always had a colorful way of putting things.

Based on how many of the roughly 6,000 Academy members return their ballots and make selections in the Best Picture category, the accounting aces at PricewaterhouseCoopers will determine what percentage of first place votes a movie needs to earn in order to secure a nomination. According to the Academy’s press release on the topic, this new system means that the nominated films will more accurately reflect Academy members’ favorite movies. The downside is that because of the way the calculations work, a significant number of voters’ ballots will essentially be tossed out. It’s a system that favors consensus but means not every voting member will have their voice heard. For statistical nerds out there, Steve Pond of TheWrap.com is an expert in crunching Oscar numbers and has examined and explained the process in detail.

What this boils down to for schmucks like me is that predicting the Best Picture nominees just got a lot trickier. But schmucks we are, and predict we shall.

Count on The Artist and The Descendants, which have grabbed the lion’s share of the critics awards and each took home top Golden Globes recently (the former in the musical/comedy category, the latter for drama). The Help and Hugo are close to certain, and Midnight in Paris is probably in there too. After that, the real guesswork begins. Two movies with late December releases that were widely expected to be contenders are War Horse and Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close. But War Horse, despite strong reviews and good box office, has failed to gain traction with the industry. While cited by the Producers Guild of America and the American Cinema Editors, it went unnominated by the Writers Guild of America, the Directors Guild of America (which has been generous to Steven Spielberg over the years) and the American Society of Cinematographers. Those omissions hurt. Has War Horse been left out to pasture?

As for Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, it was the last move of the year to screen for critics and guilds, with some of the season’s first voting critic circles convening before they’d seen it. The lack of recognition by the Golden Globes and Screen Actors Guild could be due to ballots being cast before the movie was seen. But mixed reviews and the same lack of guild support slowing down War Horse‘s chances indicate the movie just hasn’t caught on. There have been a smattering of nominations from this group or that, and it could factor into a couple of races further down, but Best Picture no longer seems in the cards.

The unlikely beneficiary of those two movies’ lackluster showings appears to be The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, which in contrast to both, has scored big time with the guilds. It’s been nominated by the PGA, ACE, ACS and most surprisingly, the DGA and WGA. With all that support, its Oscar chances look better than anyone would have expected (and better than it probably deserves, but that’s another story). Then there’s The Tree of Life, Terrence Malick’s poetic rumination on life, death, the universe and really gorgeous swirls of color. It was admired by critics, and no doubt it has ardent supporters within the Academy. The question is whether it has enough to earn the necessary number of first place votes.

An assured ten-picture field might have opened the conversation up to movies like The Ides of March, My Week With Marilyn, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, Drive, or even some populist choices like Bridesmaids, Rango or Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. (Don’t laugh; Potter was one of the year’s best-reviewed movies, and even within the industry a lot of people feel it deserves recognition as the closing chapter of the most financially successful franchise ever.)

War Horse could still muster the support it needs, while The Tree of Life may not have the necessary backing. Moneyball is a question mark too. But this is the list I’m going with.

BEST DIRECTOR

Michel Hazanavicius – The Artist
Alexander Payne – The Descendants
Martin Scorsese – Hugo
Woody Allen – Midnight in Paris
Terrence Malick – The Tree of Life

This category has three sure things: Hazanavicius, Payne and Scorsese. Two spots remain, and a lot of people are in the mix for them. The affection for Midnight in Paris will probably carry Woody Allen, but I wouldn’t call him a lock. Although The Help is a safe bet for Best Picture, its director Tate Taylor has been largely ignored throughout the season. The film’s direction isn’t especially dynamic (not that it needed to be), so he’ll probably fall prey to bigger names and bolder visions. If War Horse misses in Best Picture, it will kill any chance Spielberg has…which I sense isn’t much at this point anyway. David Fincher, on the other hand, could benefit from the lovefest that has swarmed Dragon Tattoo.

If the Academy goes with Hazanavicius, Payne, Scorsese, Allen and Fincher, it will match the DGA’s nominees five-for-five. That rarely happens. In the last 25 years, it’s only happened three times (1998, 2005, 2009). When the two bodies diverge, the Academy often favors an auteur or an indie filmmaker. (Mulholland Drive‘s David Lynch, City of God‘s Fernando Meirelles, The Sweet Hereafter‘s Atom Egoyan and Red‘s Krzysztof Kieslowski are among those who scored Oscar nods but weren’t cited by the DGA.) This year, that could mean good news for Drive‘s Nicolas Winding Refn, who took the Best Director prize at the Cannes Film Festival last summer. But Drive is feeling more like a critic’s darling and less like a movie that’s connecting within Hollywood. The more likely nominee would be Terrence Malick for The Tree of Life. While the movie is divisive and it certainly isn’t perfect, Malick is a visionary filmmaker and one who has the admiration of many colleagues. Whatever the movie’s chances in the Best Picture race, I think it has a good chance of landing here.

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I’m Not Buying It: The Worst Hammacher Schlemmer Catalog Items [Guest Post]

Editor’s Note: Once upon a time, there was a renegade website called Randomtitle.com that featured a number of present ROTI contributors, and ruled a shady corner of the Internet until it was shut down by the Department of Homeland Security. One of the brave souls who toiled on that site was Vicious Rumors, whose best work for Randomtitle included a comprehensive takedown of the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog. Although his past work has passed into the digital ether, VR returns in 2012 to analyze the best and most ridiculous items sold by the venerable retailer.

The Hammacher Schlemmer Company is a well-regarded retailer with operations dating back to the mid-19th century. It has evolved over the years to become the world’s foremost dealer in eccentricities, high-priced curios, and unnecessary assemblages of plastic and LED lights. To be sure, their inventory does contain many useful items such as VHS-to-DVD converters and wearable tents — but for every brilliant construct of human ingenuity, you’ll discover a woefully misguided tchotchke permanently staining the company’s good name like vomit upon a fine Persian rug. For example, while they do sell a flying car – which none can deny is a must-have item — the awkwardly-named Traveler’s Bed Bug Thwarting Sleeping Cocoon stands as an embarrassing, unforgivable affront to good taste.

For precisely this reason, a trip to their online store yields delights and sorrows alike. You can marvel at the audacity of something like a $350,000 flying car being listed in a catalog, or wonder exactly why valuable textiles are being used to make legions of The 6 Foot Award Winning Ugly Doll when there is probably a homeless orphan in Haiti who needs a pillow. You can exult in the joys of watching a remote controlled bald eagle soar over purple mountains majesty to a Pure Moods soundtrack, or cry in disbelief when you discover someone has skinned an American buffalo to make a wallet.

And for those who enjoy a little color in their product descriptions, even a little history, many of the items are written with a highly-enjoyable, pedantic flair. Consider the following nuggets:

“Invented in 225 A.D. by mechanical engineer Ma Jun during the Three Kingdoms period, the chariot’s differential gearing system provided solitary cardinal direction centuries before the magnetic compass. Romantically known as the “South Pointing Chariot,” it is considered by antiquarians as one of Ancient China’s most complex inventions.”

“This is the recumbent bicycle born from the rich cycling tradition of the Netherlands, renowned for its country-wide network of cycling paths that spans from Maastricht to Friesland. Hand made in Dronten in the Flevoland province of the Netherlands from customized anodized aluminum parts, it is solidly constructed and precisely balanced, having endured adventurous ascents up to Switzerland’s famous Simplon Pass.”

“Celtic knots have decorated Irish art since the early middle ages, such as the Book of Kells, while the Scottish thistle is thought to have been adopted as the country’s national emblem in the 13th century after a misstep by a barefoot, invading Viking.”

If you dedicate yourself to studying this catalog, it is quite possible that in a single night you could both master World History and renounce your citizenship as an American consumer in utter shame. The homegoods of antiquity, the apparel of quaint Medieval fishing villages, the modern inessential bauble and the extravagant toys of the future are all for sale within the pages of Hamm Schlemm. Some are affordable to the average consumer, and some only to Richard Branson, but it’s doubtful even he would buy any of this stuff, and he owns a fleet of dirigibles, for God’s sake.

Let’s take a closer look at some of the more egregious wares for sale.

The Pirate Ship Playhouse – $27,000

Own the town’s biggest eyesore for the price of two Kias. Can you imagine what your Homeowner’s Association would say if they saw this horrifying abomination in your back yard? Watch your spoiled kids scramble all over this monstrosity while praying the screws hold tight lest your daughter be smashed under six tons of cedar, redwood, and Douglas fir.

The ship stands nearly two stories high, affording your children and any roving perverts a perfect view of your bedroom from the safety of the crow’s nest. Ahoy, why is Mom straddling the postman?! The only people who ought to consider buying this are those who inhabit the Mississippi River Delta and might need a stylish escape-dinghy for the next flood.

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This Month in GIF [Winter of Our GIFs Content]

Now that the craziness of the holidays is over, it’s time for another wrapup of the best GIFs in the world.

C. Dave and I open up our various GIF sources with such eagerness, every day is Christmas morning for us. Then we share our best finds with you, which kind of makes us the Santa Claus and Krampus of GIF…

So let’s fire the engines!

Punch-Out Perfection

A Message to My Haters

Jackie Chan is Ruthless!!

Couldn’t Pick Just One Snape GIF

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Happy New Year from ROTI!

Happy New Year to all our devoted readers! I hope you enjoyed your holidays as much as I did mine. I kicked off 2012 with a decidedly non-tragic dive into the icy waters off Chappaquiddick, and despite an unfortunate hangover caused by too much Champagne Pong, I daresay 2012 is looking good so far…

It’s not too late, though, to quickly recap the past year in Rumors on the Internets history. 2011 was by far the biggest and most epic year in the history of this blog. My trained stat-counting monkeys inform me that the site had over 100,000 visitors in 2011, an increase of 20% over 2010 and 100% over 2009.

Our biggest month ever was November 2011, when tens of thousands of This American Life fans swarmed the site to read and comment on our 2010 writeup and photo gallery of the tale of Steven Raucci, as chronicled in TAL’s “Petty Tyrant.” Much love to Ira Glass for re-airing this episode!

Now, to the archives to recap an epic year on the Internets.

We kicked off 2011 with an analysis of the best music of 2010, singling out albums by LCD Soundsystem, Band of Horses, Arcade Fire, and Janelle Monae for particular distinction, and naming Kanye West’s My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy our Album of the Year.

Our extremely high-minded arts coverage included the awesomely-disturbing “Civilization” videos from the NY Standard Hotel’s elevators, “Lemme Smang It” from Turquoise Jeep Records, and the best and worst Lifetime movies of the year. ROTI published, for the first time anywhere, the amazing works of outsider artist Fredk. We lavished praise on the brilliant jeebus comedy team and their instant smash “Hobo Christmas,” celebrated the genius of Brad Neely, encouraged everyone to check out “A God Named Pablo,” and breathed a sigh of relief that one of our favorite Twitter feeds remained untainted by CBS.

Great songs abounded as we brought back our beloved Deep Cuts series, which this year featured Blur, CSN, Danger Mouse, Fleetwood Mac, and Talking Heads. (Would you believe the Mac article was by far the most popular?) And in a poignant and rockin’ post, I shared The 25 Most-Played Songs on My iPod Before It Died.

We continued our celebrity reportage, using our shadowy network of sources to reveal the sinister hotel-spying schemes that lie behind so many tabloid rumors, and breaking down the winners and losers from our HSX Star Bond account. As usual, our awards consultant David Burnce expertly analyzed the 2011 Oscars, opining on the nominees and predicting the winners with eerie accuracy.

At times, we were even servicey, letting y’all know about Google Talk Guru, sharing the hilarious online reviews of Osama bin Laden’s Hideout Compound, and puzzling out just what, exactly, Dikembe Mutombo said in his infamous Request for Sex. We gave Michael Eric Dyson a hand by creating an entrance exam for his Jay-Z seminar, and dispatched a crack team to eat every fattening food at The Big E and grade them from scrumptious to disgusting.

And then there was GIF! Our indispensable roundups featured a “You Are Not The Father” Povich breakdance,  Chubby/Ecstatic Nets Fan, and Lance Reddick tripping balls. Byrne grooved, Arrogant Jeopardy Kid smirked, and Michele Bachmann scared the shit out of everyone. We found Blake Lively with a mustache disturbingly appealing, and even got into the GIF-making business with the definitive Herman Cain Creepy Smile GIF.

We remained grouchy on a more-or-less constant basis throughout the year, slamming the crappy comedy of Garfunkel & Oates, bitching about the lack of originality of many participants in Wire Quote Day, and tooling on the self-published authors who ran ads in the NY Review of Books. (One of them even showed up in our comments section to accept our criticism with good humor!) Grouchiness turned to sorrow as we mourned the losses of Liz Taylor and Nate Dogg.

2011 concluded as it began, with a roundup of the year’s best albums — this time, we laureled Metronomy, The Horrors, Girls, Wilco, Fucked Up, Kurt Vile, Cults, Fleet Foxes, and Bon Iver, and gave Album of the Year to M83′s Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming. We also leveraged new technology to create an acclaimed Spotify playlist with hundreds of the best songs of 2011.

This site wouldn’t exist without your support and readership, and I am grateful to the entire ROTI team that suggested and collaborated on so many of these posts throughout the year, every site that linked to us (especially Razzball, Kissing Contest and Casual Hoya), and anyone who shared our posts with friends, forums or social networks. Our cadre of rumor-mongers continues to grow, with comment sections bustling, Facebook and Twitter armies mounting, and more active participants joining up every day. World takeover seems imminent.

Rumors on the Internets has some cool new stuff planned for 2012, and we’ll continue to provide the features you love along the way. Keep reading and you will be rewarded. Peace!

The Best Music of 2011 [Index]

In case you missed our Best Music of 2011 series, here are all the links you need to catch up. Even if you don’t agree with our ranking, there’s a massive Spotify playlist you can use to peruse the selections!

THE BEST MUSIC OF 2011

Introduction, Hon Mentions,
Rap Hits and Pop Songs

Albums #50-#31

Albums #30-#21

Albums #20-#11

Albums #10-#1

ROTI’s “Best Music of 2011″
Spotify Playlist 

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