Pat McAfee — The Plastered Punter

The Indianapolis Colts are a legendary NFL team for so many reasons…

The midnight escape from Baltimore. The years of futility. The renaissance under Lord Pey-Pey. The Rules Committee machinations of Bill Polian that changed the league into an offensive fireworks display. The Dungy-led excellence and self-righteousness. The domed perfection of Tom Moore’s offense. The Super Bowl triumph in the Purple Rain.

And the ongoing tradition of loud-mouthed, drunken kickers.

Poor Peyton Manning.

For years he was tormented by the antics of Mike Vanderjagt, the place kicker who was never shy about running his mouth, taunting rival teams’ fearsome defensive players that he would never have to face on the field, and even questioning Manning’s qualities as a QB.

Peyton finally had an outburst and said, “Here we are, I’m out at my third Pro Bowl, I’m about to go in and throw a touchdown to Jerry Rice, we’re honoring the Hall of Fame, and we’re talking about our idiot kicker who got liquored up and ran his mouth off. The sad thing is, he’s a good kicker. He’s a good kicker. But he’s an idiot.”

A few years ago, the Colts dropped “Vanderjerk,” and it looked for a while like Peyton could enjoy peace and quiet from his special teams unit.

Enter Pat McAfee, the plastered punter.

He’s a second year player out of West Virginia (that’s a red flag right there) who recently became the Colts’ punter after handling kickoff duties in 2009.

The Shot of Ginn blog reports that “the Ex-Mountaineer stays in top shape for his heavy kicking duty by puffing on them cancer sticks.”

Recently, McAfee decided it would be a good idea to play Armchair General Manager, and made public statements on Twitter questioning the wisdom of Bill Belichick’s trade of Randy Moss.

Colts’ fan blog Stampede Blue ripped McAfee in a post entitled “Colts Punter Pat McAfee Thinks Bill Belichick is Dumb.” And they were right to do so. A second-year punter has no place publicly calling out a coach/GM who has won more NFL games than he has attended.

McAfee, continuing his quest to be the new Vanderjagt diarrhea mouth, blasted back:

Stampedeblue.com is completely false and a horrible piece of “journalism” I said nothing about anybody, all I did was compliment Randy Moss.

That’s horseshit because as anyone with a fifth-grade reading level can see, McAfee publicly declared that the trade “doesn’t add up.” That’s a lot different from simply complimenting Moss.

Never mind the fact that Moss was acquired for a fourth round draft choice in 2007, so what part of “Randy Moss is worth a mid-round draft choice in trade” does Pat McAfee not understand?

(pic via)

Anyway, Stampede Blue quickly backed down from this confrontation, publishing an apology of sorts entitled “Pat McAfee Is Not a ‘Liquored Up’ Kicker.

Blog scribe Big Blue Shoe wrote:

Having met Pat, interviewed him, and spoken to him recently, I can say without question he is NOT Mike Vanderjagt. If anyone stated or wrote that we quoted Pat as calling Belichick ‘dumb,’ they’re wrong. Pat never said that, and just as my Tweet was not intended to get Pat into any type of silly situation, Pat’s Tweet wasn’t intended to call out Belichick. I, personally, saw that angle in his Tweet, but that wasn’t what Pat intended, in my opinion.

Pat McAfee is most certainly not Indy’s ‘liquored up’ kicker, and if any of this silliness got him into any trouble, or put him in the uncomfortable position of having to answer for something he did not say, I am sorry.

Not so fast, Big Blue Shoe!

The Indianapolis Star reported this morning…

Indianapolis Colts punter Pat McAfee has been arrested on suspicion of public intoxication this morning after he reportedly took a predawn swim in the Central Canal in Broad Ripple.

Indianapolis Metropolitan Police were called to the canal at Broad Ripple and College shortly before 5 a.m. after a report of a man swimming in the canal of the popular nightlife district.

A 911 call was received about 4:45 a.m. this morning from a woman who said a wet, shirtless man tried to get into her car at a traffic signal at Broad Ripple Avenue, according to WTHR (Channel 13). The woman said he had “blond, shaggy hair wearing jeans,” and that he “looks like he’s freezing.”

“I think he’s out of it,” the caller told the dispatcher.


McAfee in earlier, carefree days…

It gets so much better.

When an officer asked McAfee where his shirt was, he replied “It is in the water,” police reported, according to WISH-TV.

Asked by police how much he had to drink, McAfee said “A lot cause I am drunk,” according to the report.

McAfee told police he had been waiting for a ride home, but had decided to take a cab instead. He then asked if he could walk home, according to the police report, WRTV-TV reported.

“I know I am drunk, but does that mean I cannot walk home?” McAfee asked police, according to the report.

Yes. That is “Prostitution Whore” Danielle Staub.

Almost as hilarious as the quotations he uttered in the course of being arrested is the fact that he was drunk Tweeting shortly before he took his soused dip in the canal:

Now, despite what our track record might suggest, ROTI does not frown on an epic drunkathon now and again. That’s the privilege of every American. You should see the recycle bin at ROTI headquarters, it’s chock full of spent Silver Bullets and empty boxes of wine.

Trying to carjack an innocent woman while soaking wet is another matter altogether, however.

Not to mention the fact that McAfee ought to keep his roster-management opinions to himself. Who cares what some punter from West Virginia has to say about Bill Belichick’s roster moves?

(My opinions, on the other hand, are incredibly valuable. Obviously.)

Peyton Manning must be shaking his head in disgust and anguish today. Once, he had to contend with The Liquored Up Kicker. Now he has to deal with the Plastered Punter.

What did poor Pey-Pey do to deserve this legacy of drunken special teams shame?

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About Alpine McGregor
Just like you, man. I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase. All in the game, though, right?

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