Petty Crimes in A Small Town: The Police Beat of Maynard, MA

May 4, 2012 Leave a comment

Inspired by our look at the “Back Talk” section of the Lowell (MA) Sun, frequent contributor Vicious Rumors returns with a sampling of amusingly banal items from the police log of his hometown, Maynard, Massachusetts. 

My investigation of the past four months of the Maynard Beacon-Villager (which also covers neighboring Stow) did not disappoint. Below are 23 of the best entries between January 1st and the most current issue of the newspaper. I’ve found that the style of writing has changed since the days when I used to follow along in print; back then, the sentences were written more fluidly, and names of those arrested were not withheld. But now the log seems to be published in the same shorthand that it was initially recorded in, which can make for some awkward and confusing sentences. I therefore cleaned up and edited where applicable. Also, specific officers are usually referred to as “S3″ or “S12″; I just changed the S to Officer to make it clearer.

Stow – Monday, Jan. 2, 1:41 p.m. Walk-in reporting that while on his deck New Year’s Eve, he observed a red and orange disc-like object which he could not identify fly over Stow towards Maynard. He was wondering if anyone reported seeing it. Officer 3 advised.

Stow – Thursday, Jan. 5, 1:57 a.m. Caller on No Name Road states there is a group of kids outside and one of them is her son. Officer 12 checked the house and surrounding area.

Maynard – Sunday, Jan. 8, 3:38 p.m. Acton Police reports they received call regarding kids doing bong hits in a motor vehicle, heading toward Maynard. Officers checking area.

Stow - Tuesday, Jan. 10, 8:43 p.m. Caller on No Name Road reports the neighbors are spying on her. Officer 10 advised son.

Maynard – Saturday. Jan. 14, 7:01 p.m. Caller on Roosevelt Street reports four orbs circling each other in the northeast sky. Car 36 responding to speak with caller. No orbs or UFOs, just high-powered lights, maybe from MCI Concord.

Stow – Friday, Jan. 20, 9:32 a.m. Caller reporting seeing a UFO last Saturday night. She is going to call the weather service to see if they received any reports. No reports of UFO sightings to police station for that night.

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This Month in GIF [April 2012]

April 27, 2012 Leave a comment

Well, that went by fast. The time for another This Month in GIF is upon us!

As usual, C. Dave shone the GIF beacon into the night sky, alerting ROTI headquarters to mobilize our strike teams, and effortlessly provided an ammunition dump of animated images. Our GIF team has a lot of new sites to draw from these days, and this month we’re especially thankful for the genius of What Should We Call Me (hat tip to Alison of FOTI fame for that discovery) and its many imitators (I particularly like this one from Philips Exeter Academy, thanks Nils Coq au Vin).

Wondering what makes a GIF cut the mustard for TMI status? Seamless (or at least decent) looping, solid image quality, sheer hilarity and/or a “wow” factor are all potentially critical aspects of a top GIF. But when the time comes to make the final cut, I consult my beloved GIF consultant Lady McGregor — and using highly sensitive scientific equipment, tally up her responses to each nominee on a ten-point whoa-to-meh scale.

And that’s how a GIF from Save the Last Dance ended up at the top of this page. (“It’s really not a big deal.” “Oh I think it is.”)

Who’s excited for GIF time?

Jules Winnfield sucks at Guess Who.

What’s Got Into That Hat?

Huh, Obama always struck me as a longboard guy.

The Masters of Awkwardness

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Back Talk: The Unchained Id of Lowell, Mass.

April 23, 2012 Leave a comment

The (Lowell, MA) Sun is a venerable daily broadsheet serving the city of Lowell, northwest of Boston; its presses started running in 1878. Jack Kerouac once wrote for the paper as a sportswriter. But today, the most entertaining commentary published in its pages is in a regular feature called “Back Talk.”

Back Talk is created from messages recorded on an anonymous call-in line or submitted anonymously through the Internet. Anecdotally, the contributors are generally cranky senior citizens from Lowell and nearby towns who have had it UP TO HERE with the shenanigans they see going on around the city.

ROTI has been monitoring “Back Talk” for some time now, collecting the entries that best encapsulate the amusing material found therein. Enjoy this treasury of complaints about welfare recipients, the Red Sox, President Obama, local elected officials, inconsiderate neighbors, and other topics that enrage elderly citizens of Lowell.

NOT A DUMPSTER: I have a mattress and a TV in front of my house on Canada Street. Someone else decided to put out a bunch of shelves, too. How dare you. I’ll get your plate next time.

FOWL MOOD: Why do these large chain markets that do rotisserie chickens make them look sick? They’re always grayish.

RETIRING PITCHER: Tim Wakefield was so popular with the Sox, they named a city after him: Timbuktu.

PRIVACY POINT: Remind people to cover their bathroom windows because there are several families on Gilmore Street witnessing your use of your bathroom. We’d like it to stop.

SEEING IT ALL: The presidential candidates want to show they look like the rest of us. They showed us the blue jeans, now show us the tattoo and flip-flops.

NOT CUTTING IT: I was just wondering — could the Gillette Co. send a bunch of razor blades down to the Red Sox in Fort Myers?

Ugh, shave that DISGRACE on your face!


LOW-BALLING VARITEK: The Red Sox can do a little more with Jason Varitek; couldn’t they have offered him something else? It’s insulting, especially to be a person like him.

PALIN BY COMPARISION: Last time gas prices got this high, Sarah Palin said we should drill. Yet, this past week, Obama says we should check the air pressure in our tires. Something tells me Palin is looking smarter on this one.

CONFUSION IN CHIEF: Every day there is more bad news with this president. He’s either enforcing contraception, apologizing, not allowing the pipeline to go through, allowing abortions. I wake up and wonder what he will do today. Let’s elect Romney and get this over with.

WELFARE ISN’T FAIR: I am so tired of paying high taxes on everything. People on welfare are the ones that make out good, they don’t have to worry about anything.

CRIME WITHOUT TIME: Why is there always a double standard for women? If I was a woman, I’d steal all sorts of things. You’ll never go to prison.

SHARP DEPARTURE: What happened to the youth today? Back in the day if there was an argument, you’d settle it using your fists. Now every­one uses a knife!

TV DRAMA: Why is Comcast taking off SoapNet and replacing it with another Disney channel? Can’t you leave us something to watch at night?

GUTTER POLITICS: It’s a sad day in Chelmsford politics when people who put out a sign to support their candi­date get their house toilet­papered. It has now stooped to a new low.

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The Signs of Sav-Mor Spirits

April 13, 2012 Leave a comment

Boston-area liquor chain Sav-Mor Spirits (also known as Sav-Mor Liquors) has four locations in Somerville, Cambridge and Medford.

According to their Facebook page,

Sav-Mor Spirits, a responsible provider of alcoholic beverages, has been family owned and operated for more than 40 years. We offer over 600 types of craft beer, wines from nearly every country, and a tremendous selection of spirits, all at the best prices. If there is one thing that distinguishes Sav-Mor, it’s our commitment to customer service, providing an atmosphere that makes it easy to purchase — and to return time and time again. We’re rightfully proud of the long-term relationships we’ve formed with customers and the communities we serve.

Fair enough, but if there’s another thing that distinguishes Sav-Mor, it’s their amazing sign postings. The giant sign that stands beside McGrath Highway is especially known for its funny messages, but other stores have been known to strike comedically from time to time.

I shop at their stores all the time — in addition to good prices and selection, they do cool things like posting stickers that describe each type of beer and its qualities — and I’ve been thinking for a while that the Sav-Mor Signs needed to be chronicled…

Thanks to the company’s social media presence, that dream is a reality! A number of classic signs have been immortalized on Zuckerberg’s servers.

Therefore I’m pleased to present to you this slide show: The Signs of Sav-Mor.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

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This Month in GIF [March 2012]

March 23, 2012 Leave a comment

We’ve been focused on crafting audio delights lately, but fear not — we will never neglect our mission to find and curate the best GIFs to ensure your happiness!

Carrying us this month is our GIFLord, C. Dave, and we also received a timely GIFtip from our pal DBuu.

As usual, we drew from the many GIF aggregators out there, plus message boards from some of our favorite sites, such as Get Off My Internets and Casual Hoya.

Three…two…one…Animate!

(If anything hangs, click through to view)

Forum Gems

Alison isn’t the only one who suspects Jason Russell is hiding something.

Coffee is good…

Shaq’s Trip

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