Inspired by our look at the “Back Talk” section of the Lowell (MA) Sun, frequent contributor Vicious Rumors returns with a sampling of amusingly banal items from the police log of his hometown, Maynard, Massachusetts. 

My investigation of the past four months of the Maynard Beacon-Villager (which also covers neighboring Stow) did not disappoint. Below are 23 of the best entries between January 1st and the most current issue of the newspaper. I’ve found that the style of writing has changed since the days when I used to follow along in print; back then, the sentences were written more fluidly, and names of those arrested were not withheld. But now the log seems to be published in the same shorthand that it was initially recorded in, which can make for some awkward and confusing sentences. I therefore cleaned up and edited where applicable. Also, specific officers are usually referred to as “S3″ or “S12″; I just changed the S to Officer to make it clearer.

Stow – Monday, Jan. 2, 1:41 p.m. Walk-in reporting that while on his deck New Year’s Eve, he observed a red and orange disc-like object which he could not identify fly over Stow towards Maynard. He was wondering if anyone reported seeing it. Officer 3 advised.

Stow – Thursday, Jan. 5, 1:57 a.m. Caller on No Name Road states there is a group of kids outside and one of them is her son. Officer 12 checked the house and surrounding area.

Maynard – Sunday, Jan. 8, 3:38 p.m. Acton Police reports they received call regarding kids doing bong hits in a motor vehicle, heading toward Maynard. Officers checking area.

Stow - Tuesday, Jan. 10, 8:43 p.m. Caller on No Name Road reports the neighbors are spying on her. Officer 10 advised son.

Maynard – Saturday. Jan. 14, 7:01 p.m. Caller on Roosevelt Street reports four orbs circling each other in the northeast sky. Car 36 responding to speak with caller. No orbs or UFOs, just high-powered lights, maybe from MCI Concord.

Stow – Friday, Jan. 20, 9:32 a.m. Caller reporting seeing a UFO last Saturday night. She is going to call the weather service to see if they received any reports. No reports of UFO sightings to police station for that night.

Maynard – Sunday, Jan. 22, 4:54 p.m. Caller on Crane Avenue reporting a bad smell coming from the manhole near the end of her driveway. Car 12 responding. No smell on the street, but a slight smell near subject’s home, likely from bathroom vent, not manhole.

Stow – Saturday, Jan. 28, 1 p.m. Stow Recreation reports someone over the past couple of nights went out in the park, drank beers, and threw traffic cones and mats on the ice rink at Stow Community Park. No damage done, but patrols will continue to check.

Stow – Monday, Jan. 30, 4:32 p.m. Walk-in reporting two old tents in the woods of the Town Forest. Officer 7 and Officer 3 walking in woods to try and locate.

Maynard - Monday, Jan. 30, 4:34 p.m. Caller on Summer Street reporting neighbor throwing dog feces in his yard. Car 11 assisting.

Stow – Tuesday, Jan. 31, 9:20 a.m. Party into station requesting information on local ski lodges. Party advised she was looking for Stowe, Vermont, not Stow, Massachusetts. She was told of the great local orchards and golf courses.

Maynard – Saturday, Feb. 11, 6:12 p.m. Subject came into the station reporting large group of young kids got into a motor vehicle and stuffed one of the kids in the trunk of the vehicle. Vehicle located at residence.

Maynard - Friday, March 9, 4:41 p.m. Caller on Main Street reports male party out front smoking who “stole” a bottle of Tide last Saturday and stated he wanted to be arrested. States the subject appears to be agitated and is yelling. Cars 32 and 30 responding.

Maynard – Tuesday, March 13, 7:15 p.m. Reporting party states his wife is not following custody agreement; this is an ongoing issue. Officers determined neither party lives in or has a connection with Maynard. Subject reports he just figured he’d stop in since Maynard Police was on his way to a meeting. Also states that he already reported to Hudson, Clinton and Stow. Advised to notify proper town.

Stow – Saturday, March 17, 12:03 p.m. Caller on Johnston Way reports receiving a call from Cragin from Jamaica at xxx-xxx-6437, reporting that he is the IRS trying to give money to her. Officer 10 spoke to caller and traced number to Jamaica. Officer 10 left message for Cragin and advised caller to contact the unlawful call center.

Stow – Monday, April 2, 10:31 a.m. Caller reporting someone cut three branches off his dogwood tree and left them on the ground. Officer 3 speaking with caller.

Maynard – Tuesday, April 3, 2:18 p.m. Baby locked in house on Maybury Road. Fire responding; opened door.

Maynard – Wednesday, April 4, 12:09 p.m. Caller on Harriman Court reports a female in a gray pick-up keeps parking and going into the house on High Street. Would like to have it checked it; looks suspicious. Subject spoken to; she is training her dog.

Stow – Friday, April 6, 10:20 a.m. Caller on West Acton Road reports an unknown black car pulled into his driveway and two people got out and banged on his door. They then left. Caller got plate of vehicle. Officer 6 contacted owner of vehicle. People in vehicle were Jehovah Witnesses. Reporting party was notified.

Stow – Saturday, April 7, 11:03 a.m. Caller reporting a deceased turkey in the back yard of his neighbors. Referred to animal control officer.

Maynard – Monday, April 9, 9:12 a.m. Resident on Concord Street Circle reports she believes someone entered her apartment yesterday and stole some toilet paper. Officer notified.

Maynard – Tuesday, April 10, 1:37 a.m. “One Love” tagged in gold with pink hearts on side of building facing abandoned railroad tracks on Acton Street. Unknown time frame; logging for future reference.

Maynard – Thursday, April 19, 4:03 p.m. Caller on Patti Lane reported an item put in her mailbox leaked on her mail (some type of prank). Party spoken too. Fart bags not dangerous.

Vicious Rumors lives in Los Angeles but will always call Maynard home.

Well, that went by fast. The time for another This Month in GIF is upon us!

As usual, C. Dave shone the GIF beacon into the night sky, alerting ROTI headquarters to mobilize our strike teams, and effortlessly provided an ammunition dump of animated images. Our GIF team has a lot of new sites to draw from these days, and this month we’re especially thankful for the genius of What Should We Call Me (hat tip to Alison of FOTI fame for that discovery) and its many imitators (I particularly like this one from Philips Exeter Academy, thanks Nils Coq au Vin).

Wondering what makes a GIF cut the mustard for TMI status? Seamless (or at least decent) looping, solid image quality, sheer hilarity and/or a “wow” factor are all potentially critical aspects of a top GIF. But when the time comes to make the final cut, I consult my beloved GIF consultant Lady McGregor — and using highly sensitive scientific equipment, tally up her responses to each nominee on a ten-point whoa-to-meh scale.

And that’s how a GIF from Save the Last Dance ended up at the top of this page. (“It’s really not a big deal.” “Oh I think it is.”)

Who’s excited for GIF time?

Jules Winnfield sucks at Guess Who.

What’s Got Into That Hat?

Huh, Obama always struck me as a longboard guy.

The Masters of Awkwardness

I never thought I’d say this, but there’s one Spielberg movie that needs more kids in it.

Better Luck Next Time: A Haiku of Failure

Skeletor at Work: A Flip Flop Fly Ballin’ / Getty Images collab.

Angels fans watching 2012 Pujols trying to hit a Rivera cutter.

I Admire Her Ho-nesty

Magic is Real…Here’s Proof

Get it, Rudy!!!

Michelle Tanner’s “Bitch What?” GIF of the Month

Disgusted Disick

Fight or flight time…I’d choose flight.

WHOA, Fat Betty!

Something something, Kate Upton’s boobs.

The (Lowell, MA) Sun is a venerable daily broadsheet serving the city of Lowell, northwest of Boston; its presses started running in 1878. Jack Kerouac once wrote for the paper as a sportswriter. But today, the most entertaining commentary published in its pages is in a regular feature called “Back Talk.”

Back Talk is created from messages recorded on an anonymous call-in line or submitted anonymously through the Internet. Anecdotally, the contributors are generally cranky senior citizens from Lowell and nearby towns who have had it UP TO HERE with the shenanigans they see going on around the city.

ROTI has been monitoring “Back Talk” for some time now, collecting the entries that best encapsulate the amusing material found therein. Enjoy this treasury of complaints about welfare recipients, the Red Sox, President Obama, local elected officials, inconsiderate neighbors, and other topics that enrage elderly citizens of Lowell.

NOT A DUMPSTER: I have a mattress and a TV in front of my house on Canada Street. Someone else decided to put out a bunch of shelves, too. How dare you. I’ll get your plate next time.

FOWL MOOD: Why do these large chain markets that do rotisserie chickens make them look sick? They’re always grayish.

RETIRING PITCHER: Tim Wakefield was so popular with the Sox, they named a city after him: Timbuktu.

PRIVACY POINT: Remind people to cover their bathroom windows because there are several families on Gilmore Street witnessing your use of your bathroom. We’d like it to stop.

SEEING IT ALL: The presidential candidates want to show they look like the rest of us. They showed us the blue jeans, now show us the tattoo and flip-flops.

NOT CUTTING IT: I was just wondering — could the Gillette Co. send a bunch of razor blades down to the Red Sox in Fort Myers?

Ugh, shave that DISGRACE on your face!

LOW-BALLING VARITEK: The Red Sox can do a little more with Jason Varitek; couldn’t they have offered him something else? It’s insulting, especially to be a person like him.

PALIN BY COMPARISION: Last time gas prices got this high, Sarah Palin said we should drill. Yet, this past week, Obama says we should check the air pressure in our tires. Something tells me Palin is looking smarter on this one.

CONFUSION IN CHIEF: Every day there is more bad news with this president. He’s either enforcing contraception, apologizing, not allowing the pipeline to go through, allowing abortions. I wake up and wonder what he will do today. Let’s elect Romney and get this over with.

WELFARE ISN’T FAIR: I am so tired of paying high taxes on everything. People on welfare are the ones that make out good, they don’t have to worry about anything.

CRIME WITHOUT TIME: Why is there always a double standard for women? If I was a woman, I’d steal all sorts of things. You’ll never go to prison.

SHARP DEPARTURE: What happened to the youth today? Back in the day if there was an argument, you’d settle it using your fists. Now every­one uses a knife!

TV DRAMA: Why is Comcast taking off SoapNet and replacing it with another Disney channel? Can’t you leave us something to watch at night?

GUTTER POLITICS: It’s a sad day in Chelmsford politics when people who put out a sign to support their candi­date get their house toilet­papered. It has now stooped to a new low.

EMPTY WHITE HOUSE: I am very sad to say that I no longer have a president. I cannot believe where he sticks his nose.

Image by The Looking Spoon

TRIAL AND ERROR: I hope we find out who the female juror was on the Mattapan trial; what a moron.

SPRING CLEANUP: I hope the people of Groton come together to pick up the dis­gusting trash on Route 119. It’s starting to get out of con­trol. — Dunstable

BROAD BRUSH: What is the media’s goal with this Zimmerman case — to prove he is a racist? Big deal. It doesn’t mean every other white person is.

CRUISER OR A CAB?: It’s 7 a.m. on a Sunday. A police cruiser pulls up in front of housing on Market Street and picks up a woman, her child and a baby carriage. Since when are we a taxicab? Does the city have to pay for that, too?

INAPPROPRIATE: The Hunger Games is completely inappropriate for young children. The idea of children hunting and killing other children for entertainment is frightening.

YOUNG SLACKERS: Someone should tell these young boys to pull their pants up and be polite, hold the door for other folks behind you.

WRONG APPROACH: Shame on the Buddhists; it was wrong the way they’ve been approaching this whole ordeal.

HUNGER PANGS: I saw The Hunger Games over the weekend. I have never seen such a horrible, terrible movie in my life.

WALKING TARGET: Any parent who lets their kids go out with a hoodie is asking for an “X” to be placed on their kid.

Marked for death, AM I RIGHT?!

SLIME DECISION: Is Market Basket going to stop using the pink slime in their hamburg? Many people would like an answer.

TV NONSENSE: Are you paying attention to all of these TV commercials? None of them make sense. What is the logic?

IMAGE CONSCIOUS: The wrong image of the mayor was shown on March 27. No elected official should be seen in the paper smoking a cigar in front of shelves stocked with alcohol.

FRAUD SQUAD: EBT cards are out of control. I see people with them and they drive BMWs and Mercedes! They need to get stricter!

SHIFTING GROUND: The governor really needs to think and do this stand your ground law. People can come into your house with guns to kill and rape you, but yet you can’t defend yourself?

HAD ENOUGH: I get kids on the doorstep all the time for their “causes.” These teachers are so greedy they should be ashamed!

Special thanks goes out to the Sun staffers who have to weed through the Back Talk submissions on a daily basis. I can’t even imagine what DOESN’T make the cut — and I have it from a good source that Lowell teens love to call this hotline and leave prank call messages. The Sun paper’s hard work and dedication rewards us daily with the delight that is Back Talk.

For more, much more, check out the Back Talk home page.

Boston-area liquor chain Sav-Mor Spirits (also known as Sav-Mor Liquors) has four locations in Somerville, Cambridge and Medford.

According to their Facebook page,

Sav-Mor Spirits, a responsible provider of alcoholic beverages, has been family owned and operated for more than 40 years. We offer over 600 types of craft beer, wines from nearly every country, and a tremendous selection of spirits, all at the best prices. If there is one thing that distinguishes Sav-Mor, it’s our commitment to customer service, providing an atmosphere that makes it easy to purchase — and to return time and time again. We’re rightfully proud of the long-term relationships we’ve formed with customers and the communities we serve.

Fair enough, but if there’s another thing that distinguishes Sav-Mor, it’s their amazing sign postings. The giant sign that stands beside McGrath Highway is especially known for its funny messages, but other stores have been known to strike comedically from time to time.

I shop at their stores all the time — in addition to good prices and selection, they do cool things like posting stickers that describe each type of beer and its qualities — and I’ve been thinking for a while that the Sav-Mor Signs needed to be chronicled…

Thanks to the company’s social media presence, that dream is a reality! A number of classic signs have been immortalized on Zuckerberg’s servers.

Therefore I’m pleased to present to you this slide show: The Signs of Sav-Mor.

We’ve been focused on crafting audio delights lately, but fear not — we will never neglect our mission to find and curate the best GIFs to ensure your happiness!

Carrying us this month is our GIFLord, C. Dave, and we also received a timely GIFtip from our pal DBuu.

As usual, we drew from the many GIF aggregators out there, plus message boards from some of our favorite sites, such as Get Off My Internets and Casual Hoya.

Three…two…one…Animate!

(If anything hangs, click through to view)

Forum Gems

Alison isn’t the only one who suspects Jason Russell is hiding something.

Coffee is good…

Shaq’s Trip

Flip, Flip, Flipadelphia

Dinklage dominating

Who Wants Breakfast??

I surrender!

Valerie, you bitch!!

Psssssh…!

White Butler loves Bonny Bear.

Cuthbert Digs In

Squeeeeeeee!!!!

Whoops

Comic Timing =

Soft-Serve Santorum.

Opportunistic Doghump

Jousting GIFs never end well for the participants

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Spent the weekend planning something truly awesome…but until that can be revealed, it’s time for This Month in GIF!

Special thanks, as always, to C. Dave and to the many bold commenters, web proprietors, and content mills who brought these delightful images to my attention.

Remix to ignition coming fresh out the kitchen…

Some Sexy Moves To Try For Valentine’s Day

An MMAer’s Worst Nightmare…Concussion Wank

Picard’s Secret Shame

Belle looked a lot better with my glasses off…

The Inimitable Swag of the Hick from French Lick

I Have No Idea Either…Just Go With It!

Battle of Wills

Disney Really Cheaped Out in the 70s!

This Is Gonna Be Awe….oh shit

This Goes Out To My Peeps Flame-Warrin’ on the Boards…

Trey’s cheesy lyrics are KILLING this kid!

This is magnificent.

Hey Clint, everyone thinks you made an Obama commercial.

I have designed the ultimate dance party…BEHOLD

C. Dave sent me a Keith Phipps link with a delightful find inside. Remember the Three Wolf Moon T-shirt reviews? Well, there’s a new amazing Amazon meme and it’s Horse Mask Photos!

Dozens of people have taken pictures of themselves wearing the Accoutrements Horse Head Mask. We went through the 100+ images posted thus far and picked out our favorites for your enjoyment.

Editor’s Note: Once upon a time, there was a renegade website called Randomtitle.com that featured a number of present ROTI contributors, and ruled a shady corner of the Internet until it was shut down by the Department of Homeland Security. One of the brave souls who toiled on that site was Vicious Rumors, whose best work for Randomtitle included a comprehensive takedown of the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog. Although his past work has passed into the digital ether, VR returns in 2012 to analyze the best and most ridiculous items sold by the venerable retailer.

The Hammacher Schlemmer Company is a well-regarded retailer with operations dating back to the mid-19th century. It has evolved over the years to become the world’s foremost dealer in eccentricities, high-priced curios, and unnecessary assemblages of plastic and LED lights. To be sure, their inventory does contain many useful items such as VHS-to-DVD converters and wearable tents — but for every brilliant construct of human ingenuity, you’ll discover a woefully misguided tchotchke permanently staining the company’s good name like vomit upon a fine Persian rug. For example, while they do sell a flying car – which none can deny is a must-have item — the awkwardly-named Traveler’s Bed Bug Thwarting Sleeping Cocoon stands as an embarrassing, unforgivable affront to good taste.

For precisely this reason, a trip to their online store yields delights and sorrows alike. You can marvel at the audacity of something like a $350,000 flying car being listed in a catalog, or wonder exactly why valuable textiles are being used to make legions of The 6 Foot Award Winning Ugly Doll when there is probably a homeless orphan in Haiti who needs a pillow. You can exult in the joys of watching a remote controlled bald eagle soar over purple mountains majesty to a Pure Moods soundtrack, or cry in disbelief when you discover someone has skinned an American buffalo to make a wallet.

And for those who enjoy a little color in their product descriptions, even a little history, many of the items are written with a highly-enjoyable, pedantic flair. Consider the following nuggets:

“Invented in 225 A.D. by mechanical engineer Ma Jun during the Three Kingdoms period, the chariot’s differential gearing system provided solitary cardinal direction centuries before the magnetic compass. Romantically known as the “South Pointing Chariot,” it is considered by antiquarians as one of Ancient China’s most complex inventions.”

“This is the recumbent bicycle born from the rich cycling tradition of the Netherlands, renowned for its country-wide network of cycling paths that spans from Maastricht to Friesland. Hand made in Dronten in the Flevoland province of the Netherlands from customized anodized aluminum parts, it is solidly constructed and precisely balanced, having endured adventurous ascents up to Switzerland’s famous Simplon Pass.”

“Celtic knots have decorated Irish art since the early middle ages, such as the Book of Kells, while the Scottish thistle is thought to have been adopted as the country’s national emblem in the 13th century after a misstep by a barefoot, invading Viking.”

If you dedicate yourself to studying this catalog, it is quite possible that in a single night you could both master World History and renounce your citizenship as an American consumer in utter shame. The homegoods of antiquity, the apparel of quaint Medieval fishing villages, the modern inessential bauble and the extravagant toys of the future are all for sale within the pages of Hamm Schlemm. Some are affordable to the average consumer, and some only to Richard Branson, but it’s doubtful even he would buy any of this stuff, and he owns a fleet of dirigibles, for God’s sake.

Let’s take a closer look at some of the more egregious wares for sale.

The Pirate Ship Playhouse – $27,000

The Power Nap Capsule – $25,000

The Brobdingnagian Sports Chair – $149.95

Perhaps the most useless piece of trash the catalog has ever tried to swindle us with, dressed up in a bogus academic reference poorly designed to distract and impress.

The ostentatious blowhard who writes these product descriptions has really outdone himself here. Given the assignment of somehow making this chair appealing, he reaches into his deep grab-bag of literary allusions and pulls out the lesser-known cousin of Jonathan Swift’s Lilliputian — the oversized Brobdingnagian of Isle Brobdingnag. While I have no doubt that the learned readers of this particular blog remember well the peoples and places of Gulliver’s Travels, I find it quite presumptuous of Hammacher Schlemmer to bank on the American public’s command of classic Irish satire when naming their goods. How many catalog shoppers can be expected to know what the hell Brobdingnagian means when they can’t even say it?

Whatever. The chair’s name may be pretentious, but the chair’s existence is just absurd. At 5 1/2′ tall, the chair is designed for absolutely no one. Andre the Giant is dead and the world is bereft of magic. Children might like to scamper up to the seat if only the chair came with a ladder. And Hamm Schlemm knows they have a flop on their hands, count on it. The description strains to find some crumb of credibility, championing the possibility for “full-body gesticulations.” Apparently, they have forgotten that all chairs allow for full-body gesticulations (except electric). Whether you’re sitting in a rocker, a Barcalounger or a stately Shaker ladderback, you have complete freedom to move your appendages — that’s what makes chairs so great. Praising such a trait is akin to celebrating a dog’s ability to take a dump.

Most preposterously, they write: “The lofty seat elevates feet well above the ground, where they’re free to dangle and sway instead of merely floundering in dirt or sand.” Yes, for time immemorial the conundrum of floundering feet has plagued those poor souls who sit in chairs outside. Too long have we endured the pain and hardship of restless legs flailing helplessly upon the earth, writhing in fury like untamed fire hoses, stumbling about the ground looking for peace. What we need is a comically humongous, unseemly chair.

The Award Winning Learn To Walk Trainer – $59.95

Some hyper-sensitive, ultra-liberal single mom who wants to ban dodgeball in school definitely designed this thing. Why do we need this? No one has ever not learned to walk. Every kid in history has learned to walk. Even the most stupid children find a way to walk, and they do it without the aid of this happy-faced PVC pipe balloon animal. Have you ever met anyone over the age of two who was just lying on the floor in a stagnant heap, crying out, “Help me, somebody! I never learned how to walk and now I can’t go anywhere! I know it’s a basic motor skill that everyone else just grows into, but somehow the feat escaped me. It skipped a generation. If only my parents bought me the Award Winning Learn To Walk Trainer, I would be advancing my feet alternately right now, left right, left right, moving in a forward motion like a regular biped. But tragically, here I lie!”

If this device does anything at all, I wager it will create a whole generation of weak-spirited, bow-legged youths who are still breastfeeding at age eight. Burn these wholesale.

The Handheld Fireworks Light Show Projector – $39.95

Because words cannot do this blasphemy justice, I urge you to watch this informative video.

A child who learns to walk with the Award Winning Learn To Walk Trainer will be given this terrible toy on his 9th birthday, right after his mom weans him off the teat. Mother will be too afraid to bring him outside for a real Independence Day fireworks show because he might get bitten by a mosquito, so she’ll make him go watch a sad, depressing facsimile in his room.

He and his loser friends — all of whom were raised by similarly self-righteous parents, and all of whom own the same sickly, pale complexion — will congregate on the floor and sit Indian-style, pointing this shitty flashlight at the wall and feigning amazement at the dim, blurry colors and tinny sound effects.

After seven minutes of this tragedy, the three AA batteries will drain and the lights will slowly fade, accented by the speaker’s death rattle. Then the kids will sit in darkness for a moment, listening to the booming echoes of the real fireworks show reverberate through the neighborhood, and they will contemplate the lost childhoods they will never, ever get back.

The Personal Submarine – $2,000,000

What the hell it’s doing in an online catalog, however, alongside the likes of bathrobes and Googly Eyed Clocks, I will never understand. What person in the market for a submarine would choose to buy it from an internet retailer? I’m sure it qualifies for free shipping, especially if you buy it in tandem with the flying car, but why buy such an essential item sight unseen? I wouldn’t even buy a bicycle if I didn’t get to go down to the bike shop and take it for a spin first.

With my luck, if I bought this thing with that 2 mil I’ve got laying around the house somewhere, it would show up on my doorstep with a nice scratch in the acrylic pressure sphere or, worse, missing a hygrometer or fluxgate compass. F that noise, if I’m buying a submarine I’m going to the submarine store! Or at least buying it used off James Cameron.

Honorable Mention: 

The 20 Foot Animatronic Triceratops – $350,000

Do yourself a favor and pay off your mortgage instead. You’ll thank me later.

The Elliptical Machine Office Desk - $8,000

“Designed to be pedaled at slower cadences that won’t break one’s concentration (or cause one to break a sweat).” What’s the point of working out if you ain’t gonna break a sweat? No pain, no gain. Can’t have it both ways, you idiots.

The Canine Treadmill - $549.95

Potentially forgivable, if it weren’t for the fact that the conveyor belt will deposit all of Fido’s poop on the floor.

The Hands Free Hair Rejuvenator – $699.95

If you buy this, you don’t deserve to have any hair.

The Canine Calming Wrap – $39.95

As if this item could ever compare to a real, honest-to-God hug.

Vicious Rumors peruses catalogues and makes people laugh in Los Angeles.

Now that the craziness of the holidays is over, it’s time for another wrapup of the best GIFs in the world.

C. Dave and I open up our various GIF sources with such eagerness, every day is Christmas morning for us. Then we share our best finds with you, which kind of makes us the Santa Claus and Krampus of GIF…

So let’s fire the engines!

Punch-Out Perfection

A Message to My Haters

Jackie Chan is Ruthless!!

Couldn’t Pick Just One Snape GIF

Do It…

The Ultimate Celebration

Badd Bitches Club: Gilda, Tilda and the O.G.Girls

Demolish Your Message Board Enemies With This:

Revealed: Carlton Banks’ Choreographic Inspiration

The Discovery of a World Inside the Moone

GIF You Were Here

Watch and Learn

The Ultimate Midfight Pick-Me-Up

Mac = Evil All Along

This is what I have to say to Tebowmania.

“Sold Out Seats to Hear Biggie Smalls Speak…”

I think we all know the answer.

Gateway Drugs? How Rude!

Who’s Ready For Lunch?

I…have no idea

Zooey, what did you think of this edition of This Month in GIF?

Happy New Year to all our devoted readers! I hope you enjoyed your holidays as much as I did mine. I kicked off 2012 with a decidedly non-tragic dive into the icy waters off Chappaquiddick, and despite an unfortunate hangover caused by too much Champagne Pong, I daresay 2012 is looking good so far…

It’s not too late, though, to quickly recap the past year in Rumors on the Internets history. 2011 was by far the biggest and most epic year in the history of this blog. My trained stat-counting monkeys inform me that the site had over 100,000 visitors in 2011, an increase of 20% over 2010 and 100% over 2009.

Our biggest month ever was November 2011, when tens of thousands of This American Life fans swarmed the site to read and comment on our 2010 writeup and photo gallery of the tale of Steven Raucci, as chronicled in TAL’s “Petty Tyrant.” Much love to Ira Glass for re-airing this episode!

Now, to the archives to recap an epic year on the Internets.

We kicked off 2011 with an analysis of the best music of 2010, singling out albums by LCD Soundsystem, Band of Horses, Arcade Fire, and Janelle Monae for particular distinction, and naming Kanye West’s My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy our Album of the Year.

Our extremely high-minded arts coverage included the awesomely-disturbing “Civilization” videos from the NY Standard Hotel’s elevators, “Lemme Smang It” from Turquoise Jeep Records, and the best and worst Lifetime movies of the year. ROTI published, for the first time anywhere, the amazing works of outsider artist Fredk. We lavished praise on the brilliant jeebus comedy team and their instant smash “Hobo Christmas,” celebrated the genius of Brad Neely, encouraged everyone to check out “A God Named Pablo,” and breathed a sigh of relief that one of our favorite Twitter feeds remained untainted by CBS.

Great songs abounded as we brought back our beloved Deep Cuts series, which this year featured Blur, CSN, Danger Mouse, Fleetwood Mac, and Talking Heads. (Would you believe the Mac article was by far the most popular?) And in a poignant and rockin’ post, I shared The 25 Most-Played Songs on My iPod Before It Died.

We continued our celebrity reportage, using our shadowy network of sources to reveal the sinister hotel-spying schemes that lie behind so many tabloid rumors, and breaking down the winners and losers from our HSX Star Bond account. As usual, our awards consultant David Burnce expertly analyzed the 2011 Oscars, opining on the nominees and predicting the winners with eerie accuracy.

At times, we were even servicey, letting y’all know about Google Talk Guru, sharing the hilarious online reviews of Osama bin Laden’s Hideout Compound, and puzzling out just what, exactly, Dikembe Mutombo said in his infamous Request for Sex. We gave Michael Eric Dyson a hand by creating an entrance exam for his Jay-Z seminar, and dispatched a crack team to eat every fattening food at The Big E and grade them from scrumptious to disgusting.

And then there was GIF! Our indispensable roundups featured a “You Are Not The Father” Povich breakdance,  Chubby/Ecstatic Nets Fan, and Lance Reddick tripping balls. Byrne grooved, Arrogant Jeopardy Kid smirked, and Michele Bachmann scared the shit out of everyone. We found Blake Lively with a mustache disturbingly appealing, and even got into the GIF-making business with the definitive Herman Cain Creepy Smile GIF.

We remained grouchy on a more-or-less constant basis throughout the year, slamming the crappy comedy of Garfunkel & Oates, bitching about the lack of originality of many participants in Wire Quote Day, and tooling on the self-published authors who ran ads in the NY Review of Books. (One of them even showed up in our comments section to accept our criticism with good humor!) Grouchiness turned to sorrow as we mourned the losses of Liz Taylor and Nate Dogg.

2011 concluded as it began, with a roundup of the year’s best albums — this time, we laureled Metronomy, The Horrors, Girls, Wilco, Fucked Up, Kurt Vile, Cults, Fleet Foxes, and Bon Iver, and gave Album of the Year to M83′s Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming. We also leveraged new technology to create an acclaimed Spotify playlist with hundreds of the best songs of 2011.

This site wouldn’t exist without your support and readership, and I am grateful to the entire ROTI team that suggested and collaborated on so many of these posts throughout the year, every site that linked to us (especially Razzball, Kissing Contest and Casual Hoya), and anyone who shared our posts with friends, forums or social networks. Our cadre of rumor-mongers continues to grow, with comment sections bustling, Facebook and Twitter armies mounting, and more active participants joining up every day. World takeover seems imminent.

Rumors on the Internets has some cool new stuff planned for 2012, and we’ll continue to provide the features you love along the way. Keep reading and you will be rewarded. Peace!