Robert Zemeckis’ Reign of Terror Is Finally At An End


Robert Zemeckis used to be one of the finest movie directors in the world.

For his work directing Back To The Future and its sequels, as well as Who Framed Roger Rabbit? the 10-year old me considered him the greatest helmsman in the history of Hollywood.

The Academy shared my high esteem after Zemeckis masterminded the epic Forrest Gump, marshalling totems from four decades of Americana into one gigantic Hanksathon that thrilled viewers and critics alike. He was named the Best Director of 1994.

Unfortunately, Zemeckis’ career soon began to turn for the worse.

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Granite, Marble, Onyx…Foreclosure

mansion

Gaze upon the stately manse of Teresa Giudice, Real Housewife of New Jersey.

Bravo’s Real Housewives “franchise” is a truly wacky collection of ladies from around the nation, and it seemed impossible back in May that the Jersey girls could outdo legends like crazy NeNe from Atlanta, trampy Gretchen from Orange County, and haughty Countess de Lesseps from NYC in terms of sheer personality and outrageousness.

Yet Teresa and her partners in crime proceeded to deliver one of the most bizarre, compelling, and hilarious reality TV runs in recent memory.

Danielle was a former coke whore and snitch who had phone sex with someone called “Gucci Model!” Caroline’s son Christopher wanted to open up a chain of strip club car washes! Dina’s husband was mysteriously absent and potentially mobbed up! There was also a boring one, but 4/5 is a pretty good track record.

Teresa was arguably the best character on the whole show, with a tiny forehead, three little daughters that she relentlessly stage-mothered, a ridiculous guido husband from the “construction” industry, a fat bankroll of cash, and newly implanted fake “bubbies.”

My favorite, though, was the absurdly large house she built for herself, which she proudly declared was composed of only “granite, marble and onyx.” This nouveau riche masterpiece would have made Louis XIV feel ashamed.

Now, in a startling turn of events, the bank is foreclosing on Teresa Giudice’s mob mansion.

Let’s take a look back at the house – and the woman – that grabbed our attention last spring and made our lives more magical, forever.

guidices

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Hot New Music Trend: Standards?!

Heading into Year Two of the Economic Apocalypse, some curious cultural trends are developing. Here’s one that really surprised me.

Funnily enough, songs first made popular during the Great Depression are burning up the charts at the dawn of the twenty-tweens.

That’s right kids. Remember when “electronica” was the hot new musical trend? When rap-rock ruled the airwaves? Or when emo was the big new thing?

Throw all that out the window, because there’s a new genre that is absolutely dominating record sales.

Standards!

Yes, the classic pop chestnuts of the Great American Songbook may be eligible for AARP, but they have once again become as popular as they were in the days when Jacob Gershowitz and Israel Baline tore up the charts while masquerading under their hep alter egos, “Geo Gershwin” and “Irv Berlin.”

Strike up the band with that fascinating rhythm! Shoo bop shoo bop, skiddily bee bop bow!!!

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Ziggy, Bodie, Bubs stick up for Phelps

If you ever become a celebrity victim of the drug wars and you need a friend, don’t worry.

The cast of The Wire will stick up for you!

So, Mike Phelps took an Olympic-sized hit from a top-of-the-line Roor bong at a South Carolina frat party.

All hell broke loose after the above picture got out…

The local po-po arrested a bunch of hapless stoners and pumped them for info on Aquaman instead of, you know, asking where they got their drugs from. Not that we’d encourage any investigation of small time drug users in a jurisdiction with several unsolved homicides.

Kellogg’s said “Oh hell no” and pulled his endorsements, which we’re SURE was purely for moral reasons and not a cost-saving measure in light of the economic apocalypse.

Then Phelps had to apologize to China for being one toke over the line!! Sweet Jesus.

Well, Phleppsyboy, everything we’ve seen about you out of the pool indicates that you’re something of a douche. We wish we could find a link to the story about Phelps jealously texting male swimmers that their ladies were hitting it with NBA stars in Beijing, just because said ballers were ignoring him. But we can’t, so trust us…

Anyway, you might feel really alone right now, but you aren’t.

Ziggy Sobotka, Bodie Broadus and Bubbles are on your side, according to NYMag’s VULTURE blog!

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Pelosi’s Assbackward Calculus: Field Mice > Fun

Congressional Republicans are quickly realizing that being in the minority isn’t all that bad.

Freed from the responsibility of actually passing legislation, you can snipe and obstruct and throw sabots into the machinery.

One thing that’s great about being in the minority is you can force the majority party to own particularly embarrassing pieces of pork-barrel spending that inevitably find their way into every major bill.

This practice, and the joys of exposing it, have been in evidence during the weeks-long stimulus package debate.

The latest target for GOP scorn?

Nancy Pelosi’s love of the salt marsh harvest mouse!

mouse

The conservative WASHINGTON TIMES is fired up and ready to go:

Talk about a pet project. A tiny mouse with the longtime backing of a political giant may soon reap the benefits of the economic-stimulus package.

Lawmakers and administration officials divulged Wednesday that the $789 billion economic stimulus bill being finalized behind closed doors in Congress includes $30 million for wetlands restoration that the Obama administration intends to spend in the San Francisco Bay Area to protect, among other things, the endangered salt marsh harvest mouse.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi represents the city of San Francisco and has previously championed preserving the mouse’s habitat in the Bay Area.

The revelation immediately became a political football, as Republicans accused Democrats of reneging on a promise to keep so-called earmarks that fund lawmakers’ favorite projects out of the legislation. Democrats, including Mrs. Pelosi, countered that the accusations were fabricated.

[...]

“One of the proudest boasts of Democrats supporting their trillion-dollar spending plan is that it doesn’t contain earmarks. But it seems like powerful Democrats will still find a way to bring home the bacon,” said a frustrated Michael Steel, spokesman for House Minority Leader John A. Boehner, Ohio Republican, who took direct aim at the mouse.

“This certainly doesn’t sound like it will create or save American jobs,” Mr. Steel said. “So can Speaker Pelosi explain exactly how we will improve the American economy by helping the adorable little” critter?

Well, the salt marsh harvest mouse certainly seems like an interesting little beast

It hides during the day and comes out at night, it’s one of the only mammals that drinks salt water, and it can only be found in the salt marshes of the South Bay.

We don’t object to spending money to save this creature per se; however, with stimulus spending under a conservative electron microscope, Speaker Pelosi really needs to pick her spots when it comes to earmarking funds for San Fran.

And it’s our contention that she has really dropped the ball on this one.

Why spend valuable stimulus funds to save a little rodent when there is another cause in the city of San Francisco crying out for federal assistance – one that is far more stimulative than any mouse could ever be!!

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