Don’t Rent Your Condo to the Bangbros!


Miami’s Fisher Island is an enclave of the super-wealthy, filled with luxury residences, sandy beaches and lush fairways.

It’s an exclusive community, and only residents, invited guests and the help are welcome. Famous names from Vanderbilt to Oprah have owned property within its elite confines.

Raul Quintana owned a $3 million condo on the island, with views of picturesque Biscayne Bay and fine furnishings. He’d rented it out on occasion, once to baseball All-Star Ivan Rodriguez, and once to Anna Kournikova’s peeps. It was only one of several properties Quintana had once owned on the island, before he sold several for a huge profit.

But when Quintana rented the condo out to a “modeling agency,” he soon found himself a hated outcast on Fisher Island.

It turned out that the “modeling agency” was actually the porn producers known as the Bangbros, and they used the condo to film a masterpiece called “Sexy Golfing Experience.”

Now Raul Quintana has been banished from the island as surely as if Jeff Probst read his name at the Tribal Council.

As the Miami New Times reported, “Quintana…is in trouble. His three remaining luxury units are now worth $5.6 million — almost $3 million less than their purchase prices. Banks might soon take them over. Fisher Island, he says, is his ‘Alcatraz.’

Then his voice breaks as he remarks, “Bang Bros really banged my life.”

This tragic tale came to our attention via Deadspin, which noted that you’d think golf/porn related controversies are the sole domain of Eldrick Woods, but in this case, you’d be wrong.

The New York Times ran an article a few years ago about labor strife on the island, and did a fine job of describing its unique and luxurious setting:

A 216-acre nub of land sliced from the tip of Miami in 1905 when the government dredged out a sea-lane from Biscayne Bay, Fisher Island was acquired in 1925 by William K. Vanderbilt II, scion of the robber-baron railroad clan, to build his winter mansion.

It epitomizes wealth to this day. The island is home at least part of the year to an assortment of magnates, like the investment guru Martin Zweig, the car dealership mogul Robert Potamkin and the financier Bennet S. LeBow, of tobacco fame. Celebrities like Oprah Winfrey and Mel Brooks have owned winter homes here.

According to the Census Bureau, Fisher Island was the richest enclave in America in 1999, with an average income per capita of about $236,000 — more than double the $91,000 average on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. Residents say the real figures are actually far higher, partly because of the difficulty in gathering income data on part-time residents.

Indeed, from the imported Bahamian sand coating the beaches to the marble and mahogany-encrusted Vanderbilt mansion and the 186-foot, $250,000-a-week chartered yacht bobbing in the marina just outside, everything bespeaks luxury.

As the New Times article noted, Raul Quintana was once one of the island’s most notable residents: “In the early days, Quintana was among the top investors, buying 15 condos and spending $45 million, by his estimation. Back then, he was the flashy socialite who drove a Ferrari, sponsored polo matches at the Fisher Island Club, and always arrived by chopper.”

But Quintana fell on hard times after an acrimonious divorce. His ex took some of the property, and he sold some additional units to raise living expenses. Luckily for Quintana, though, he unloaded those properties at the top of the market.

Meanwhile, he’d begun the practice of renting out one condo for cash. He was obviously hard up for funds, because when the “modeling agency” offered him $600 for six hours, he had his assistant deliver the keys and didn’t even require a written contract. Tragically, he now says he thought a high-fashion photo spread might help him find future tenants.

Unfortunately, the temporary tenant wasn’t an MLB backstop or hot Russian tennis player.

It was the production crew for the Bang Bros…

You can’t help but love the evocative description of the porno flick that was penned by the New Times’ Gus Garcia-Roberts.

This prose is dripping with the contempt that can only be inspired by viewing the film, perhaps succumbing to its lure, and then letting a wave of self-loathing crash over you…

It turns out Quintana had rented his apartment to Bangbros.com, an online porn giant based in Miami. Its auteurs produced Sexy Golfing Experience, which sounds like an unauthorized Tiger Woods biography but is in fact a hard-core skin flick starring zeppelin-breasted actress Devon Lee.

The film is no innovation in cinema. In it, Tony, a ratty-looking dude with a thin beard and designer shades, commandeers a golf cart — clearly displaying Quintana’s apartment number — to rendezvous with Devon on a Fisher Island golf green. After the dirty-blond porn starlet does some butt-focused putting, the lovers drive to Quintana’s condo on a golf cart with a pudgy, bearded dolly grip riding on the rear.

Once in the apartment, they head to the balcony, where, in broad daylight and full view of any neighbor who might glance out a window, Tony applies baby oil to Devon’s buttocks for five minutes. They then go inside and run through the usual battery of positions, with only a thin white towel separating their carnal intermingling from Quintana’s brown suede couch and matching chaise lounge. Other scenes involve possible staining of one of the homeowner’s throw pillows and his carpet.


The “zeppelin-breasted” Devon Lee

It didn’t take long for word to get around about the first-ever Fisher Island porno, and for Quintana’s reputation to come crashing down.

Quintana didn’t find out about Sexy Golfing Experience until roughly three months after he rented out his apartment, he says, when a safari-helmeted security guard named Howard greeted him with: “Great film, Mr. Quintana!”

“The rumors always start with security,” says Fisher Island real estate agent and resident Claudia Campuzano. “Everybody on the island knows about Raul’s movie, and everybody’s watched it too.”

[...]

That earned him a new nickname: “The Porn King of Fisher Island.”

The Fisher Island Community Association found out about this and dropped the hammer on poor Mr. Quintana…

Citing non-specified bad behavior, they yanked privileges and laid out several restrictions:

  • They banned him from renting out his condos, seriously cutting into a major source of income.
  • He was forbidden to use the car lanes for residents on the ferry, and instead, he was banished to the employee lanes. Ouch.
  • Furthermore, they made him get advance approval for any guest that he wished to bring onto the island in the future.
  • When an irate Quintana stopped paying his association dues, the dispute turned into a legal battle over $250,000 in unpaid fees.
  • Quintana was banned from the Fisher Island Club, and he couldn’t even visit as a guest of another resident. He was also accused of threatening Community Association officials.

Now Quintana’s life is falling down around him. The New Times quoted a sympathetic neighbor:

“Everybody loved Raul,” says Ty, a Fisher Island resident and business owner who asked that his last name not be used. “But he’s lost everything. He’s been outcasted.”


Let this be a lesson to you, property owners — when a “modeling agency” calls you up and wants to use your real estate for a shoot, make sure you know what you’re getting into.

You just might find your condo on “Ass Parade” and your community association irate, while your reputation becomes that of a common pornographer.

Not to mention the stains on the throw pillows.

To Catch A Prospect

7th

Charles Robinson of Yahoo Sports has an amazing story up today that details the deceptive tactics pro teams are taking to ensure they don’t have egg on their faces come draft day.

Once upon a time (last millennium) a few interviews with the player, his family and his coaches pretty much provided the team with sufficient assurance that the athlete they coveted wasn’t secretly a pimp, player or drug fiend.

Nowadays, any enterprising fool with a Facebook account can out an athlete who’s doing the dirt, and there are thousands of blogs all too eager to print the lurid details.

So teams are getting ahead of the curve…with fake Myspace and Facebook accounts designed to trick college players into friending!

The woman in the Facebook picture is attractive, with auburn hair and icy blue eyes. She is flanked by several other women, each armed with an inviting smile and curvy features. Along with the photo is a hopeful note from the female “fan” asking to be added to a player’s personal networking profile.

The twist? These women don’t actually exist, at least not in the way that some unsuspecting NFL prospects are led to believe. Indeed, they are a figment of one NFL team’s imagination – a phony Facebook profile, used as a tool by one franchise in the pre-draft vetting process. A Trojan horse that, when used effectively, unlocks a door to a world of Internet pictures and information which most NFL teams are now consistently compiling to help polish their dossiers on draft picks.

“It works like magic,” said a personnel source that was familiar with his team’s tactic of using counterfeit profiles to link to Facebook and Myspace pages of potential draft picks. The source directed Yahoo! Sports to one of the team’s “ghost profiles” – a term he coined because “once the draft is over, they disappear. It’s like they were never there.”

The practice may have an underhanded, back-alley feel to it, but most NFL teams are unapologetic when it comes to picking through the lives of prospective players. And with the tentacles of the Internet extending further than ever into the lives of athletes, online information has offered a wealth of fresh ammunition for teams. Whether it’s networking sites like Facebook, Myspace or Twitter, personal blogs, or just the random bits of information that can be found with an hour of free time and a powerful Internet search engine, NFL teams are gleefully delving into new cracks and corners that didn’t exist even a decade ago.

“Twenty years ago, if you weren’t getting a lot from a [college team’s] coaching staff or a family, you might put weeks into gathering good information on a couple guys,” the personnel source said. “Now, we can do a lot of it in a few days. We can sit down with 20 guys that we might be looking at, and have a pile of pictures and background things to hit them with. And every once in a while you come across something that probably saves you from making a big mistake. Not as much as you might think, but if it happens every couple years, it keeps you ahead of the game.”


You’re SOOOO good at football. Wanna be friends?

One example that Robinson cites is the notorious case of the 7th Floor Crew. We somehow never heard about this, and it’s simply amazing.

Basically, a bunch of Miami freshmen – including a number of top football players, some of whom are now in the NFL – recorded a rap track that detailed the sexual depredations they enjoyed indulging in.

Years later, it leaked to the press, leaving a bunch of teams with PR nightmares after they’d acquired members of the crew.

Since ROTI doesn’t want to completely offend our female readership, we’ll limit our lyrics excerpt to the verse performed by Chicago Bears tight end Greg Olsen, who apparently raps under the moniker G-Reg:

(What’s your name?)
G-Reg
(What’d you do?)
Get head
(How you do it?)
Drop my drawers and let her see my third leg
Chillin on the 7th floor
I gotta let these chickens know
Big Greg is in the house
And I’m fi’n’ to make these hoes choke
On my balls, on my dick
Then I bust a nut quick
On her face, on her chest
Stick my dick between her breasts
Come on fellas lets get weird
Stick your dick up in her ear

While I’m laughin’ at these guys
A second nut all in her eyes
(Wait a minute, in her eyes?)
In her eyes!!

(CHORUS:)
If your ho only know
That she was getting fucked on the 7th floor
If that bitch only knew
The she was getting’ mutted by the whole damn crew
What would she do?
What would she do?

That was actually not that bad of a verse, considering it came from the one cracker in the Crew…and believe us, it was the tamest. (Or see for yourself.)

olsen
When this guy says “Let’s get weird,” cover your ears!

Chicago media types like Jay Mariotti later ripped the Bears for selecting Olsen on account of his wicked, wicked rapping.

The award for funniest line in the song goes to the Baltimore Ravens’ Tavares Gooden, who came up with “She thought 5-2 was just my number/ Then she realized/ You multiply the bitch up/ Dog you get my dick size.”

Gooden told Yahoo that “My main thing is just not to worry about the past. If somebody else wants to chuckle and laugh about that, they can go right ahead…. All of us were young when we made that song. … That taught me, you’ve got to watch that you say, and who you do it around.”

Meanwhile, teams continue to scour the web to weed out – get it? – the next generation of athletic troublemakers.

Rick Spielman remembers one Myspace page, the kind that makes a personnel man sit up in his seat, reach for a pencil, and push a particular question to the top of his list. He refuses to divulge the name of the player involved, but concedes that the Minnesota Vikings ran into the profile “a year or two ago.” One that the Vikings looked at very closely at the league’s annual scouting combine in Indianapolis, then grilled privately over some of the things he had posted on his networking profile.

“He had a big picture of a bunch of drug money and drugs on a carpet,” the Vikings’ vice president of player personnel said, shaking his head. “It was the kind of thing that, you know, it was under his name. So when we had some time with him, of course we were like ‘What is this all about?’ … It was an interesting conversation. He had a legitimate explanation for what happened and we followed up on it and we believe it was what he said it was. But that’s one of the things that happens [with networking profiles].”

[...]

It has been a lucrative pursuit, too. One NFC North coach said his team has gotten particularly adept at collecting information from networking sites. The team combs through pictures, goes through archived “comments” sections, breezes through friend lists for other potential contacts, and spends untold amounts of time dissecting pages of information based on the potential draft status of a player.

And the process of “ghosting” – creating fake profiles to get added to the private pages of some draft picks – isn’t isolated. Executives from three NFL teams admitted that at one point or another, they had used a similar method to get information. And all three suggested that it was something that was likely used by the investigative sources of all teams.

Sometimes these searches produce nothing. Other times, they pan out with suggestive pictures or interesting tidbits of information that open other doors.

“It all depends on the context,” said Detroit Lions coach Jim Schwartz. “On the surface some things don’t necessarily matter. But if it’s something deeper, if it’s a sign there are some deeper problems, sure, it matters.”

The Internet age has brought a little bit of peril for everyone.

Still, the idea of fat, middle-aged NFL scouts making fake online profiles and friending players in little sting operations is more than a little reminiscent of Perverted Justice, the organization behind NBC’s To Catch A Predator.

You can imagine it now…the 7th Floor Crew lured to a “recording session” by a hot babe, only to have Chris Hansen walk out from the next room saying, “Nice to see you, why don’t you have a seat over there?”

hansen
“So…you call youself the big dick bandit, do you?”

Ricky Williams: Meditation = Getting Blazed

The Miami Dolphins had a bye week coming off their triumphant win over the Patriots…and one Fin’s mind quickly turned to the delightful melody of a bubbling bong.

[Ricky] Williams, in the NFL’s substance-abuse program since 2002 and having tested positive four times, said Monday he was briefly tempted to smoke marijuana while the Dolphins had their bye weekend.

Ricky talked to the MIAMI HERALD (via DEADSPIN):

Williams said the extra free time was the primary reason for the temptation.

”Most definitely,” Williams said. ‘It’s greater because, like, Thursday, coach told us we had Friday off, so automatically your mind, which is so constrained since training camp began — every day is a grind, it’s a grind, it’s a grind — and then Coach says `you’re free.’ And the mind says, `I’m free, what can I do?’

“So there was definitely an urge. But I just thought about what I have to lose and it was easy. The urge didn’t last very long.”

Williams said he successfully combated the urge to smoke by meditating instead.

”I’ve done a lot of work at understanding myself a little bit more,” Williams said. “So I recognize [the urge] was just a result of the feeling of being free, and I was just trying to maximize it. And I realize that I really enjoy meditating and when I can go home and sit in my room and meditate, I can get the same feeling.”

We were pretty damn skeptical of this claim. Then we looked up “meditation” on Wikipedia and found this picture!

DUDE that’s like the headiest shit we have ever SEEN!

Time to say no to drugs and start working on our lotus position. Ricky, you’re an inspiration!

Williams said he will not bow to marijuana’s temptation again while he continues to play in the NFL.

”Yeah, I can say that,” he said. “I feel confident saying that. It just doesn’t fit my life right now. It would make life more difficult.”

But Williams realizes he cannot guarantee he will never smoke marijuana again after his career is over.

”I don’t know,” he said. “I’d be lying if I said I’m never going to do it again after I’m done.”

In that case, pass the J.

What?? Don’t look at us like that. It’s not our fault we aren’t flexible.

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