After the reality masterpiece that was Bravo’s Real Housewives of New Jersey, it was clear that the Italian-American communities of the Garden State were fertile ground for future documentary exploration.

In other words, New Jersey is filled with Neapolitan jackasses only too willing to demonstrate their idiocies in front of reality-TV cameras.

Now MTV has stepped up, bringing us “Jersey Shore,” the story of eight strangers…of Italian descent and questionable taste…picked to live in a house in Seaside Heights for the summer…and have their lives taped…to find out what happens when GUIDOS AND GUIDETTES GO WILD!!!

The two-hour premiere was last night, and it was simply tremendous.

While we may be in for a cold, snowy winter, there’s little doubt that the summertime exploits of the Jersey Shore crew should keep us toasty warm around our campfire of judgment and schadenfreude.

These unabashed guidos and guidettes (I’m not even insulting them, this is their self-professed identity) took the house by storm in their first few days down the shore…

It wasn’t long before girls were cheating on their boyfriends, guys were fighting over fly honeys, lightweights were puking all over the place, the T-shirt store guy who employs them was blowing a gasket at their lack of work ethic, and the girls in the house were angrily feuding with the “whores” that the guys lured in from the boardwalk.

When you bring together the most stereotypically ridiculous fools from the Tri-State area to a summit meeting of this magnitude, hilarity is the inevitable result.

Allow me to introduce you to the gentlemen and women who are sure to entertain us in the weeks to come:

Mike aka “The Situation” and DJ Pauly D

These two fellas are 100% reality gold.

I don’t think I personally know any man who puts as much care into his hairdo as DJ Pauly D. He likes to call himself “Your girlfriend’s favorite DJ,” and while he hails from faraway Rhode Island, he definitely represents the cream of the Jersey Shore guido crop. Watching him load armfuls of his favorite hair products into his car for the trip south was a joyous experience. After all, when you style your hair twice daily and “it always looks perfect,” you cannot be messing around.

Pauly keeps a tanning bed in his house for the optimal ultra-tanned look at all times. (Seriously, MTV, major props on your casting for this show.)

Then there’s Mike, or as he likes to be known, “the Situation.” Why? Because his abs are so awesome, they’re a Situation unto themselves.

Mike is a perfect cocktail of lady-loving braggadocio and complete crazed insecurity. He’s a smooth talker who projects a lot of confidence, epitomized by his first shift at the t-shirt shop. Mike is a boisterous salesman, and convinces droves of females to buy pink booty shorts with “I Love The Situation” embroidered on the rear.

Meanwhile, his salesmanship clearly impresses housemate Sammy, who looks on in admiration and awe. Not long afterwards, they lock lips at Club Bamboo…

However, Sammy is quickly tempted away by the muscular charms of housemate Ronnie, which sends the Situation into a manic, vengeful frenzy. He quickly blows any chance he might have had with Sammy by descending into a death spiral of butt-hurt accusations and bluster.

He’s so pissed off, he gets into a meaningless fight with another patron at the club, who he accuses of “looking at him.” Mike blows a kiss to this gentleman, which starts a scuffle. All of a sudden, DJ Pauly D comes out of nowhere and punches the offending-eyed varmint right in the kisser with a right cross!

That’s how boyz do, yo! Represent!

Good God, this is gonna make for an awesome season.

Jenny aka J-WOWW

This 23-year-old party girl from Franklin Square, Long Island shows up to the house with a boyfriend, but it doesn’t take long for her to be seduced by the charms of DJ Pauly D.

While out at the club in one of her many tittay-ball-exposing outfits, she starts humping up on Pauly and demanding that he look at no other girls but her. Later, she flees back to the house out of a desire to avoid cheating.

(A) Too late, J-WOWW…I think it qualified as cheating when you checked out Pauly’s pierced penis; and (B) I agree with Pauly’s assessment about the lifespan of that relationship…it’s not gonna be long before J-WOWW is back on the market again.

There was a particularly awesome moment in the Pauly-and-J-Woww-make-out scene where you could clearly see him thinking about grabbing her boob, before deciding to go for a face-caress instead. Nice move…she’s obviously the kind of girl who likes to take it slow.

Wait, no she isn’t!

With her ridiculous hair, skanky outfits, and evident promiscuity, Jenny is going to be a major asset to this television program.

Angelina

Every great reality TV show needs a raging bee-yotch on board, and Angelina from Staten Island fits the bill. Her backstory: she grew up on the crime side, the New York Times side, staying alive was no jive. At second hand, moms bounced on old man, so then they moved to Shaolin land…

Oh wait, that was Raekwon the Chef. My bad, I always get those two confused.

Angelina has a boyfriend at home, so she won’t be messing around with anyone down the shore…oh, except for some burly cro-mag who she fooled around with the first night, but she later claims that she was completely black out drunk and doesn’t remember a thing. Suuure. Meanwhile, her boyfriend is in business meetings and won’t take her calls. This is a surefire recipe for an outside-the-relationship rogering. Stay tuned on that front…

Angelina has obviously never worked a day in her life and is a serious liability down at the t-shirt stand. This raises the question, why does MTV always hire a cast of twits and then force them to do some kind of job that they don’t have the work ethic and qualifications to handle? Moreover, why does MTV think this makes for compelling television? Just supply these idiots with booze and let them do the rest. I really don’t care about the day job.

I adamantly refuse to refer to this girl as “Jolie,” but apparently that’s what the girls in the house are calling her…

Finally, Angelina spent most of the first episode on a mission to “cock block” (her words) all of her male housemates. Don’t even think of bringing a Jersey Shore skank up into Angie’s crib, she will put that ho on blast so quick it’ll make your head spin.

Sammy and Ronnie
(pictured with The Situation)

You have to love Sammy Sweetheart, the only true Jersey Girl on this program.

Although she fronts like a nice girl extraordinaire, it doesn’t take long for Sammy to cook up an epic love triangle to start the show off right. She’s vibing with The Situation right away, they have mad chemistry at work and they hold hands on the boardwalk. But after Situation skanks out with some boardwalk hoes, she starts playing hard to get.

When she hooks up with Ronnie, sparking the aforementioned Situational meltdown, Sammy justifiably rebukes the Situation…but we have to wonder what tricks will be up the Sweetheart’s sleeve in the future.

As for Ronnie, this dude is hilarious. He takes off his shirt every chance he gets and styles his hair into a ridiculous fauxhawk. Representing the Boogie Down Bronx, he loves to brawl.

Gawker has already accused him of gayface, but the MTV website intimates he’ll find love down the shore.

I, for one, intend to stay tuned and find out.

Vinnie and Oompa Loompa

Vinnie is the least interesting dude in this house, but he makes up for it with his fair share of shenanigans and ridiculous behavior. I would have loved to see more footage of him with his mom back on Staten Island (three cast members are from the Forgotten Borough)…he is clearly the ultimate mama’s boy, and we see his rotund mother serve him up some lasagna, lay a fat kiss on his cheek and weep as he departs for the Shore.

His trademark move is his maniacal fist pump…a montage of Vinnie in action has to be seen to be believed.

This amazing piece of work courtesy fourfour

He’s also the first (but assuredly not the last) housemate to contract a contagious disease: pinkeye. Whether it was from letting a chubby 40-year-old shake her junk in his face at the club or from carousing with panty-less hoes in the hot tub, Vinnie got some shit up in his eye and started his job off on the wrong foot, missing his first shift to go to the doctor for treatment.

But after slapping his ridiculous white shades on, he was soon back in action on the dance floor, fist pumping like there was no tomorrow.

This brings us to the eighth and final housemate…Nicole aka Snookie aka “Snickers or whatever.” Or as I like to call her, Oompa Loompa.

This hideous specimen considers herself the prototypical Guidette. Watching her act a fool down the shore was like watching an epic car crash. Just try to look away from the horror!

Oompa Loompa got wasted immediately, and then started smashing her fake-brown self against all the homies in the hot tub. They were understandably appalled and all tried to push her away. She passed out on the rooftop hammock, and when she woke up, all her housemates had left to go clubbin’.

Oompa, heartbroken, immediately made plans to go home, but her dad talked her out of it. Later, she heard Angelina denouncing some boardwalk girls that invaded her house and hot tubbed with the guys, and Oompa took it all personally. She started to pack her bags, but again, the housemates talked her out of it. Sammy Sweetheart offered to be her friend if she, like, REALLY needed one (I think this Sammy doth protest too much about her Sweetheart-dom. Secret bitch alert).

Oompa then rallied for her first night out. She got wicked pissah again and started humping her tiny humps on any dude that would give her the time of day. After trying and failing to steal a much hotter girl’s man, she finally found a victim…a weird Chris Kattan alike who was only too willing to accompany her back to the house.

Despite their protestations, the housemates all clearly hate Oompa and shied away from her and her weirdo boy toy. They went up on the roof to watch the sunrise, when he grew groggy and distant. Oompa was pissed because she thought she was gonna get some action.

She tried to rustle Kattan with her breastises, but this only caused him to boot all over the place. Epic!

Scenes from the Season was incredibly promising.

It looks like this posse will be all Eskimo brothers and sisters by the time the summer is over.

There are tons of fights and people punching each other. Somewhat disturbingly, some random dude will also punch Oompa Loompa in the face, which is really not called for, no matter how ugly she is.

Most of the guys are fast approaching 30, but act like overgrown teenagers; the girls are junior-college age, though something tells me they are not exactly cut out for academe. Yet somehow, the girls (with the obvious exception of Oompa) seem far more mature and self-possessed than their flexing, greasy-haired counterparts…

Some say this show is racist against Italians. I disagree, but I believe The Situation delivered the most stirring rebuttal possible, so allow me to yield the floor:

I just happen to be 100 percent Italian, I happen to be in very good shape and my hair happens to be spiky… It’s not necessarily a stereotype; it’s just how it is… I know I didn’t hold back and I’m not too worried about what people think. When I look in the mirror I feel good.

Amen, Situation. When I watch this show, I feel good. You will too.

In a post at Seattle’s DAILY WEEKLY blog, Nirvana bassist Krist Novaselic revisits the tragic night he decided to throw his bass in the air following a performance at the MTV music awards. It landed on his head. The evidence:

Krist’s story is entertaining, hilarious, self-deprecating, and believe us when we tell you it has an amazing ending.

Here are some highlights:

I walked around and checked out the stage area. Other bands were showing up. I said hello to the fellows in Pearl Jam and the Black Crowes. Sammy Hagar said hi. There was Howard Stern in a suit made to let his bare buttocks hang out.

I eventually made it to the food service area, where Kurt and Courtney were at a table with their newborn daughter, Frances. They told me that Axl Rose had walked by and Courtney started teasing him. She yelled, “Axl, Axl—you’re the godfather!” Upon hearing this, Axl apparently got very annoyed, walked over to Kurt, and demanded that he keep his woman in line. Kurt turned to Courtney and sarcastically asked his woman to keep in line and left it at that.

We’re pretty sure the actual quote was, “Keep your bitch in line.”

Axl then split. Of course, Kurt and Courtney were musing over Axl’s response in the context of society’s patriarchal tendencies. My thought was that Rose shouldn’t have gotten bent out of shape. He should have walked over and asked to kiss the baby or something!

At the same time, Kurt wanted to play the tune “Rape Me” and was adamant about it. The MTV people were upset. We were being asked from all corners not to. I thought we should play something off Nevermind, do the gig, and leave. Easy, right? No. Kurt was very stubborn and refused to play another tune. There was quite a swirl around this issue.

[...]

I was walking toward the stage and came across my now-friend and colleague, Duff McKagan. I think Duff was also under the influence. He must have heard something from Rose and had a terse word for me. I was already a little bent out of shape and instantly replied with the same sentiment. The production people grabbed me and we continued toward the stage.

I was now even more shook up. One should take the stage in a good frame of mind, but I wasn’t there. Nirvana gets introduced, and we start playing our prank, then switch into “Lithium.” I’m plugged into some awful bass rig that’s distorting terribly. I can barely hear what I’m playing, and the tone deteriorates into an inaudible mess. Fuck it—time for the bass-toss schtick. Up it goes!!!!! I always try to get good air—I bet I hit over 25 feet, easy! But no matter how high it went, I was not on my game— the only time I’ve ever dropped it was then in front of 300 million people. Ouch! I was fine, but I faked like I was knocked out, perhaps expressing my inner torment over a taxing evening. (Maybe I was just embarrassed.)

I stumbled offstage toward the green room with my hands on my forehead. I walked straight into the bathroom and looked at a bloody forehead in the mirror. I washed my face off and put a paper towel to my head. Paramedics came in and put a little bandage on, then handed me a long medical release form to sign. Standing behind them was Brian May, the guitarist of Queen, with a glass of chilled champagne. I signed the release just to get the medics away from me so I could take a sip of Mr. May’s wonderful medicine. Ahh, yes!!! Moments later Dave Grohl burst in. He’d been looking all over for me, only to find me enjoying a calm glass of bubbly with Mr. May. It was a relief for all!

Is there any way that ending could have been more satisfying?? Brian May to the rescue!

Awesome.

[DAILY WEEKLY via ROLLING STONE via Nirvanahead C Dave]

“Waaah, MTV doesn’t show music videos anymore.” Well, that’s because channels that only show music videos get terrible ratings, while insipid reality fare aimed at tweens is so popular that people like us can pick cast members from “The Hills” out of a lineup without ever having seen the actual show.

But you know what, folks? This is the 21st century. Who needs a music video network when you can just have a website featuring every video made in the MTV era!

Per GIZMODO:

At long last, the MTV name is being associated with music videos again, because the “music” channel has gone and put its entire archive of music videos online, all embeddable and in high quality. It’s like Hulu for music videos, only with less ads (for now). And it’s awesome.

The site’s still very young, but just poking around shows the amazing amount of content on there. There aren’t just music videos on here, but also songs played on shows like VH1 Storytellers and MTV Unplugged.

[...]

Just from my surface exploration, it includes pretty much everything, from old acts to new, major label acts to indies. Go, go now!

Here are a few recommended starting points, trailheads of jam if you will:

Blur – Coffee and TV. A delightful, hilarious, touching narrative about a milk carton.

The Pharcyde – Drop. One of Spike Jonze’s greatest hits. The whole thing was shot in reverse.

Beyonce – Single Ladies. Everybody be loving these dance moves!!!

Aphex Twin – Windowlicker. A really, really bizarre Chris Cunningham video that could definitely give you nightmares.

White Stripes – Fell in Love With a Girl. Michel Gondry’s LEGO masterpiece.

Yung Joc – It’s Goin’ Down. So many enjoyable elements to this video…the chorus urging us to meet Yung Joc at the mall…the really dumb dance move his posse does…the sports cars we really hope this dude didn’t spend his money on…the rundown house party we’re supposed to aspire to be invited to. Wow.

Fiona Apple – Criminal. Also known as “Sleazy: The Musical.”

Outkast – Hey Ya. One of the best songs of the decade – one of the best videos of the decade. The stereotypes of each musician are amusingly on point.

Johnny Cash – Hurt. Here’s a tissue, you may need it to wipe away the tears…or the drool. Depending on your temperament.

Michael Jackson – Black or White [Long Version]. Every last wondrous moment of a video that was a prime-time event when first released. Macauley Culkin blasts George Wendt into the stratosphere with one killer chord; Michael gets down with dancers from all over the world; “cutting-edge” pastiches of global landmarks; LOTS of little kids; the morphing sequence by which all others will always be judged (sup, Tyra); all culminating in the astonishing segment where a panther turns into Michael who then grabs his crotch disturbingly and smashes the shit out of an innocent parked car. In retrospect, the beginning of the end of his career…

[If you're looking for a less obvious MJ pick, how about Liberian Girl. Truly amazing 80s cameo fiesta. Be sure to stick around to see Guttenberg and Ackroyd roll in on Harleys.]

The only drawback is that some older videos didn’t make it in here. So for those of you hoping to watch high quality streams of 70s classics like REO Speedwagon’s “Keep On Loving You” or Talking Heads’ “Crosseyed and Painless,” looks like you’re gonna have to stick to Youtube for now.

UPDATE: After WordPress somehow thwarted him from commenting, trusty source Nils Coq au Vin, Esq. emailed us a further hit list of must-see vids.

NCaV’s picks:
Malajube – Montréal -40°C
Air – Kelly Watch the Stars
Bjork – Human Behavior
Daft Punk – Around the World
Bone Thugs-N-Harmony – Crossroads
Elton John – Trains Don’t Stop There Anymore
Missy Elliott – Work It
Arcade Fire – Neighborhood #2 (Laïka)
MGMT – Time to Pretend