Look out, Bernie Madoff victims! Another master criminal is plying his trade in the lap of luxury that many of you call home!

Police in Palm Beach, Florida are hunting a ninja.

A fat ninja who has yet to successfully pull off a crime!

One might go so far as to call him an anti-ninja. Pot bellies and failed ATM thefts are about the least ninja-like attributes one could imagine. WE are more ninja than this jackass.

Palm Beach County sheriff’s deputies are looking for a would-be thief who seems to think he is a ninja.

The unidentified man, who was dressed in a black ninja outfit with a hood that only shows his eyes, was caught on surveillance cameras trying to steal the ATM machines outside the Colonial Bank at 152 South State Road 7 on Dec. 29 and outside a Walgreens at U.S. 441 and Okeechobee Boulevard on Tuesday.

Sheriff’s spokeswoman Teri Barbera said she did not how the man tried to steal the machines, but that he was unsuccessful in both attempts.

The thief may be wearing a ninja outfit, but he does not appear to be of the same physical stature as martial arts legends Bruce Lee or Sonny Chiba. Surveillance footage shows the heavyset man has a noticeable pot belly.

Anyone with information regarding the attempted ATM robberies or can possibly identify this suspect, is asked to contact Detective McCranels at (561) 904-8273 or Crime Stoppers at 1-800-458-TIPS.

First of all, we estimate the over/under on prank calls to Detective McCranels at 50,000. And we’re taking the over.

Secondly, this fat ninja wannabe has nothing on the legendary ninja thief of Staten Island, whose 2007 crime spree made for dozens of hilarious NYC headlines.

STATEN ISLAND NINJA BURGLAR STRIKES AGAIN, VICTIMIZES ELDERLY COUPLE

[...]

Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly said the burglaries appear to be linked to the Ninja Burglar because in one case he had crept through an open door.

“We caution people to lock their doors,” Kelly said. “Keep their windows locked as well.”

The Ninja has hit at least 18 homes since May 20. The last heist before this weekend came on Sept. 21.

“There had been enough publicity, and people were upset,” said Dr. Mohammad Khalid, president of the Iron Hills Civic Association. “He probably thought it wise to stop his activities.”

The suspect has entered through garage doors in the morning and second-story windows and skylights at night, cops said. He wears all-black, including a ski mask, and usually steals cash and jewelry.

In one incident, a resident stabbed the bandit after the intruder smacked him in the collarbone with his ninja sticks.

Now THAT’S a felonious ninja you can respect! (A serious hat tip to the Daily News on adding the nunchucks to the graphic.)

NYC police ultimately pinned the ninja crime wave on some Albanian guy who was quietly deported (read: sent to a secret CIA prison for torture until he gave up his ninja techniques to interrogators).

We still think U-God had something to do with it. Honestly, does he have anything else going on? Besides making devils cower to the “Caucus Mountains,” of course.

We leave you with the legendary Afroninja. Also way better than Fat Ninja.

Once upon a time, prank callers were safely hidden behind a veil of anonymity, allowing a variety of troublemakers to dial for jollies…

Nowadays, Caller ID and the criminalization of particularly obnoxious calls have really put a damper on the process. While this will never dampen our enthusiasm for Bart Simpson’s phone calls to Moe’s or the greatest prank call of all time (“I see OJ, and he looks scared!“), we won’t be picking up the phone to cause mischief anytime soon.

However, some prank callers are still undeterred. Like 50-year-old construction worker John Brady of Staten Island.

He doesn’t just call people up, shriek “Diarrhea!” and hang up. Nope.

He convinces them to maleejreejheej themselves.

Loyal reader Lombardicus sends along this gem from the STATEN ISLAND ADVANCE:

A Staten Island man would pick a name out of the phone book at random, say he was from the “doctor’s” office, and ask the person on the other end of the line to perform a rectal exam over the phone, according to authorities.

And at least one person went along with it.

Authorities say John Brady, 49, a construction worker from the borough’s Oakwood community, convinced a 34-year-old woman to give herself a self examination over the phone in January of 2007.

After the phone call, though, the woman realized Brady “did not represent a medical establishment,” court papers allege.

After an investigation by the Staten Island District Attorney’s NYPD detective squad, Brady was arrested Tuesday and charged with second-degree aggravated harassment.

Brady laid out his prank call strategy in a statement to a detective, court papers allege.

“I would go through the phone book and pick random numbers and make telephone calls,” Brady allegedly said. He’d ask them personal questions about their digestive system, then try to get them to follow his instructions, court papers allege.

Brady had already been arrested in September on aggravated harassment charges in connection with two other telephone calls, one from June 2007 and another from 2008, public records show, but it’s not clear if he’s accused of pulling the same prank during those calls as well.

If convicted at trial of second-degree aggravated harassment, he could face up to a year in jail.

John Brady might seem like the most brazen prank caller around, but that’s probably because you’ve never heard of David Stewart:

On November 30, 2000, the caller persuaded the manager at a McDonald’s in Leitchfield, Kentucky, to remove her own clothes in front of a customer whom the caller said was suspected of sex offenses. The caller promised that undercover officers would burst in and arrest the customer the moment he attempted to molest her, said Detective Lt. Gary Troutman of the Leitchfield Police Department.

Or as the good folks at Wikipedia call it, the “Strip Search Prank Call Scam.“

As long as people are stupid enough to fall for this mess, these crazy dudes will keep dialing.

Answer with care.