Inspired by our look at the “Back Talk” section of the Lowell (MA) Sun, frequent contributor Vicious Rumors returns with a sampling of amusingly banal items from the police log of his hometown, Maynard, Massachusetts. 

My investigation of the past four months of the Maynard Beacon-Villager (which also covers neighboring Stow) did not disappoint. Below are 23 of the best entries between January 1st and the most current issue of the newspaper. I’ve found that the style of writing has changed since the days when I used to follow along in print; back then, the sentences were written more fluidly, and names of those arrested were not withheld. But now the log seems to be published in the same shorthand that it was initially recorded in, which can make for some awkward and confusing sentences. I therefore cleaned up and edited where applicable. Also, specific officers are usually referred to as “S3″ or “S12″; I just changed the S to Officer to make it clearer.

Stow – Monday, Jan. 2, 1:41 p.m. Walk-in reporting that while on his deck New Year’s Eve, he observed a red and orange disc-like object which he could not identify fly over Stow towards Maynard. He was wondering if anyone reported seeing it. Officer 3 advised.

Stow – Thursday, Jan. 5, 1:57 a.m. Caller on No Name Road states there is a group of kids outside and one of them is her son. Officer 12 checked the house and surrounding area.

Maynard – Sunday, Jan. 8, 3:38 p.m. Acton Police reports they received call regarding kids doing bong hits in a motor vehicle, heading toward Maynard. Officers checking area.

Stow - Tuesday, Jan. 10, 8:43 p.m. Caller on No Name Road reports the neighbors are spying on her. Officer 10 advised son.

Maynard – Saturday. Jan. 14, 7:01 p.m. Caller on Roosevelt Street reports four orbs circling each other in the northeast sky. Car 36 responding to speak with caller. No orbs or UFOs, just high-powered lights, maybe from MCI Concord.

Stow – Friday, Jan. 20, 9:32 a.m. Caller reporting seeing a UFO last Saturday night. She is going to call the weather service to see if they received any reports. No reports of UFO sightings to police station for that night.

Maynard – Sunday, Jan. 22, 4:54 p.m. Caller on Crane Avenue reporting a bad smell coming from the manhole near the end of her driveway. Car 12 responding. No smell on the street, but a slight smell near subject’s home, likely from bathroom vent, not manhole.

Stow – Saturday, Jan. 28, 1 p.m. Stow Recreation reports someone over the past couple of nights went out in the park, drank beers, and threw traffic cones and mats on the ice rink at Stow Community Park. No damage done, but patrols will continue to check.

Stow – Monday, Jan. 30, 4:32 p.m. Walk-in reporting two old tents in the woods of the Town Forest. Officer 7 and Officer 3 walking in woods to try and locate.

Maynard - Monday, Jan. 30, 4:34 p.m. Caller on Summer Street reporting neighbor throwing dog feces in his yard. Car 11 assisting.

Stow – Tuesday, Jan. 31, 9:20 a.m. Party into station requesting information on local ski lodges. Party advised she was looking for Stowe, Vermont, not Stow, Massachusetts. She was told of the great local orchards and golf courses.

Maynard – Saturday, Feb. 11, 6:12 p.m. Subject came into the station reporting large group of young kids got into a motor vehicle and stuffed one of the kids in the trunk of the vehicle. Vehicle located at residence.

Maynard - Friday, March 9, 4:41 p.m. Caller on Main Street reports male party out front smoking who “stole” a bottle of Tide last Saturday and stated he wanted to be arrested. States the subject appears to be agitated and is yelling. Cars 32 and 30 responding.

Maynard – Tuesday, March 13, 7:15 p.m. Reporting party states his wife is not following custody agreement; this is an ongoing issue. Officers determined neither party lives in or has a connection with Maynard. Subject reports he just figured he’d stop in since Maynard Police was on his way to a meeting. Also states that he already reported to Hudson, Clinton and Stow. Advised to notify proper town.

Stow – Saturday, March 17, 12:03 p.m. Caller on Johnston Way reports receiving a call from Cragin from Jamaica at xxx-xxx-6437, reporting that he is the IRS trying to give money to her. Officer 10 spoke to caller and traced number to Jamaica. Officer 10 left message for Cragin and advised caller to contact the unlawful call center.

Stow – Monday, April 2, 10:31 a.m. Caller reporting someone cut three branches off his dogwood tree and left them on the ground. Officer 3 speaking with caller.

Maynard – Tuesday, April 3, 2:18 p.m. Baby locked in house on Maybury Road. Fire responding; opened door.

Maynard – Wednesday, April 4, 12:09 p.m. Caller on Harriman Court reports a female in a gray pick-up keeps parking and going into the house on High Street. Would like to have it checked it; looks suspicious. Subject spoken to; she is training her dog.

Stow – Friday, April 6, 10:20 a.m. Caller on West Acton Road reports an unknown black car pulled into his driveway and two people got out and banged on his door. They then left. Caller got plate of vehicle. Officer 6 contacted owner of vehicle. People in vehicle were Jehovah Witnesses. Reporting party was notified.

Stow – Saturday, April 7, 11:03 a.m. Caller reporting a deceased turkey in the back yard of his neighbors. Referred to animal control officer.

Maynard – Monday, April 9, 9:12 a.m. Resident on Concord Street Circle reports she believes someone entered her apartment yesterday and stole some toilet paper. Officer notified.

Maynard – Tuesday, April 10, 1:37 a.m. “One Love” tagged in gold with pink hearts on side of building facing abandoned railroad tracks on Acton Street. Unknown time frame; logging for future reference.

Maynard – Thursday, April 19, 4:03 p.m. Caller on Patti Lane reported an item put in her mailbox leaked on her mail (some type of prank). Party spoken too. Fart bags not dangerous.

Vicious Rumors lives in Los Angeles but will always call Maynard home.

A 48-year-old father of a teenager apparently jumped out of a first-floor window when police broke up an alleged underage drinking party last week at his home in Hudson.

After a short foot chase, police captured Tim Vinciullo in woods behind his home on Seneca Drive on Friday night in the Central Massachusetts town. He has been charged with delivering alcohol to minors.

The details are pretty laughable.

Seems Vinciullo had a weakness for hosting teen drinking soirees at his abode, even as he risked his wife’s career as a high school track coach.

Then he ran from the house like a startled bird because the cops showed up!

It’s YOUR house, idiot! They already know where you live!

Hudson High School boys’ cross-country coach Kathy Vinciullo resigned yesterday, the same day her husband and son — a captain on her team — were accused in Marlboro District Court of throwing an underage drinking party at their home Friday night.

“She resigned for personal reasons,” Superintendent of Schools Stephen Dlott said yesterday. He did not comment further on the resignation.

Brian Vinciullo, a 17-year-old senior and track athlete at Hudson High School, is now subject to Massachusetts Interscholastic Athletic Association procedures and disciplinary action based on the high school athletics program rules and regulations. Mr. Dlott declined to say whether Brian Vinciullo has already faced discipline based on his arrest Friday night.

The high school senior and his father, Tim Vinciullo, 48, were arrested Friday night at their home at 30 Seneca Drive, where police said six teenagers were drinking.

Tim Vinciullo jumped out a rear window of his house when he saw police coming to the door, according to Hudson Police Capt. David A. Stephens.

Police on patrol Friday night as part of a state alcohol enforcement grant were in the area of Seneca Drive, they reported, when they saw a teenage boy in the driveway area of 30 Seneca Drive.

According to Capt. Stephens, police had been to the same house within a week or so, warning the homeowners about underage drinking parties there.

“It appeared another party was going on,” Capt. Stephens said. “The homeowners had just been warned.”

Three plainclothes officers went back to the home and one of them saw Tim Vinciullo leave through a window, police said.

Police caught him in a wooded area not far from the home.

You might be inclined to mock Vinciullo’s belief that he could escape from the po-po on foot.

However, this is a guy married to a track coach, with a speedy son, and he himself is no slouch – a quick Google search reveals he tallied a respectable 19:33 5k in a recent Pilgrim Road Race!

It probably seemed like a good plan when he was climbing out the window with the Man hot on his trail, except for the fact that he’s pushing 50 and they already knew where he lived.

Frankly, Tim Vinciullo’s biggest faux pas was committing this amusingly idiotic crime with so sparse a Google track record.

Other than his racing history, the dude is practically a Googlenope.

Of course, that will all change now that every newspaper in Mass. is mocking his behavior.

Meanwhile, his son’s Facebook picture looks (when magnified) like it was taken during the midst of a classic Vinciullo booze fest:

Let’s put this in perspective.

By comparison to the criminal sleaze who plied teenage cheerleaders with booze, a stripper pole and old man kisses in Bethehem, PA, Tim Vinciullo is practically an upstanding citizen.

However, when the Hudson cops’ “party patrol” has put a bullseye on your house as the epicenter of teen drinking in town, because you can’t put a lid on the cooler when your son and his posse are around – while your wife is employed in a position of responsibility with the same teens you let run wild – and when the moment of reckoning finally comes, you flee into the night…

…you, sir, have failed Parenting 101.

Charles Clemens Jr. lived in an Overland Park, KS apartment complex with his wife of two decades.

Apparently life got a little dull or what have you, because he then wooed a second middle-aged lady and married her – without divorcing or even informing his first wife.

Clemens then stole his elderly father’s ID – since they have the same name and all – and used the old man’s social security number to obtain a second apartment in the same complex where his unwitting first wife still turned down the covers for him!

Apparently Clemens was all about living a double life, but only on the most convenient of terms.

This audacious scheme apparently worked for a few years…

Then the second wife came a knocking on the first wife’s door!

The KANSAS CITY STAR has the startling details:

Authorities allege that a 61-year-old Overland Park man was married simultaneously to two women who lived in the same apartment complex.

Charles L. Clemens Jr. made his first court appearance Wednesday, charged with bigamy and other felonies.

The case began in November when police were called to the apartment of his first wife on a domestic dispute, authorities said. They found Clemens with both women after being called by the second wife.

“She went over to the apartment and confronted him and also found out that he is married to the other woman,” said Johnson County Sheriff’s Deputy Tom Erickson.

After a long inquiry, police arrested Clemens this week.

He was married to his first wife for 22 years, Erickson said. Court records say the second marriage occurred in January 2006. Both women are in their 50s.

Clemens also faces an identity theft charge. Erickson said he allegedly used his father’s Social Security number to lease one of the apartments near 141st Street and Metcalf Avenue.

Clemens also was charged with pawning some of his second wife’s jewelry without permission and with stealing at least $1,000 from her.

You really have to feel sorry for the first wife here. The second wife is obviously intelligent and resourceful enough to figure out this guy’s game in a few short years. Meanwhile, Bride #1 has been falling for this rat’s schemes since the 80s.

Fight Bigamy has duly noted its case in its dishonor roll of polyamorous pricks.

Not cool, Chuck Clem. A pox on both your houses.

The 44-year-old playboy researched his targets diligently before approaching potential victims in luxury hotels, expensive spa retreats and chic ski resorts. His encounters with rich but lonely women in Germany, Austria and Switzerland generated a lucrative stream of earnings.

Letters written by Helg Sgarbi, which were leaked to the German press, revealed how he used a potent mixture of flattery and sexual allusions to earn their affections.

“Dearest, do you remember how we fused in lust on the beach and you groaned loudly with passion?” he wrote to one woman.

He told another “very special lady”: “You live for love, and you are right to do so, because that is what life is all about.”

He was disarmingly frank when he first came to the attention of Swiss police in 2001. “I live off money that women give me,” he told them.

Nicknamed ‘James Bond’ by some of his conquests for his smooth-talking charm, he boasted that he could read women “like a map”.

He spun several of his unsuspecting lovers the same terrifying tale to extract large sums of money. Sgarbi told his victims he had been involved in a car accident in the US in which he had injured the daughter of a mafia mobster.

Unless he could come up with several million dollars in ‘compensation’, the mob would kill him, he claimed.

It was a surprisingly successful ruse, netting him millions of pounds until police finally caught up with him last year after his latest victim, billionaire German heiress Susanne Klatten, refused to give in to any further blackmail.

As the preceding report from the TELEGRAPH descibes, Swiss gigolo Helg Scarbi scammed millions of Euros from women he tricked into sleeping with him and then helping him pay an imaginary debt.

However, his lil’ scheme evaporated when he tried to blackmail Germany’s richest woman for 49 million in E-money.

How did a no-account fraudster from the land of neutrality charm the underpants off of high society Euro dames?

Turns out his M.O. was straight out of Louis Prima…he was just so sad and lonely.

Mrs Klatten told German police after Sgarbi was arrested: “He was charming, attentive and at the same time seemed very sad. That stirred a feeling in me that we had something in common.”

But the German public and press have been intrigued as to why a woman who had a famous name, a loving family and an unimaginably large fortune would risk everything for a fast-talking fraudster of no more than average good looks.

Zing!! We’re not such who got slammed harder there, the gigolo or his victim.

Klatten: Scammed by an ave-bo

What’s worse, it turns out that this mediocre-looking scam artist made secret sex tapes of himself and Klatten with help from a shady Italian hotelier!

At the Holiday Inn no less!

Mrs Klatten is the daughter of BMW magnate Herbert Quandt and holds a 46-per cent stake in the company in conjunction with her mother and brother. She also owns a 88.3-per cent share of chemical company Altana.

At first the married mother-of-three spurned Sgarbi’s advances but began an affair when the smooth-talking Sgarbi turned up unexpectedly in the south of France where she was on holiday the following month.

Later in August 2007 they met in a Holiday Inn hotel in Munich – where Klatten believed she would not run the risk of bumping into any acquaintances – for an “intimate” encounter that Sgarbi secretly filmed, according to the charges.

In September they met at the same hotel and this time Sgarbi allegedly said that he needed 10 million euros because he had injured a little girl in a car crash in Florida – asking Klatten to lend him a cool seven million euros.

Klatten swallowed his story, handing over the sum in the underground garage of the Holiday Inn in a cardboard box containing 14 plastic folders each with a thousand 500-euro banknotes.

Sgarbi then told the 46-year-old to leave her husband and put into a trust fund 290 million euros to fund their new life together.

Klatten then ended the relationship.

But then Sgarbi turned nasty, according to prosecutors, threatening to send compromising video footage of the two together to the press and to her husband, among others.

This time he allegedly demanded 49 million euros, which he subsequently reduced to 14 million euros, and set a deadline of January 15 last year. But she had long since informed the police, and Sgarbi was arrested.

Let’s tryst at the Holiday Inn, I surely wouldn’t associate with anyone who would be seen at such a place!

The INDEPENDENT has a revenge-conspiracy angle that’s pretty juicy in a story entitled “The Gigolo, the German Heiress and a $6m Revenge For Her Nazi Legacy”:

And not only because of the stratospheric wealth of Ms Klatten, and the hole the affair has punched in the privacy of one of Germany’s most discreet business dynasties. But also because Helg Sgarbi – if leaks from the interrogation of his partner are to be believed – was much more than just a staggeringly effective extortioner. He is also said to be a man bent on exacting revenge for the crimes of BMW against his father, a Polish Jew and, during the war, a slave labourer in a BMW factory. The group made munitions, aero engines and batteries for U-boats and V2 rockets. If it is true, as alleged, that Mr Sgarbi bedded Ms Klatten in posh hotels in Monte Carlo, Munich and elsewhere, he was sleeping with the enemy, with a cruel vendetta in mind.

Mrs Klatten, 46, is the great grand-daughter of Gunther Quandt, the founder of BMW who died in 1954 and whose first wife, Magda, later married the Nazi propaganda chief, Joseph Goebbels. The heiress has a degree in marketing and management from the University of Buckingham and worked with with Dresdner Bank and McKinsey, the consultants, before she was appointed to the supervisory board of BMW in 1997.

[...]

Mr Sgarbi’s original name, it appears, was Helg Russak, and while he describes himself as Italo-Swiss, his father (according to Mr Barretta) was a Polish Jew. During the Second World War this man was forced to work as a slave labourer in a BMW factory producing war materiel for the Third Reich. This personal history created the undying hatred of BMW, Mr Barretta claimed, which led his friend to seek an extraordinary type of revenge.

Claims that BMW, like many other still-prominent German firms, used slave labour during the war are well-established. The claims against BMW were most recently re-aired in a television documentary broadcast in Germany in October 2007. When Magda Quandt divorced BMW’s founder and married Goebbels, Gunther’s first son, Herbert – Mrs Klatten’s great-uncle – was brought up by Goebbels and his new wife and eventually took control of the company in 1959. The Goebbels connection brought the company close to the Nazis.

Meh. Seems like a stretch.

The story also includes some amusing details about Sgarbi’s accomplice, shady Italiano Ernano Barretta…

Not only is he a professional secret-sex-tape cameraman, he’s a mysteriously wealthy resort owner, an exploiter of laborers and a sketchy religious guru who nails his followers!

Mr Sgarbi is said to have met Mrs Klatten in 2006 and they became lovers. They met in Monte Carlo and elsewhere for sex, he said, but they were not alone. Every time they checked into a hotel room, Mr Barretta is said to have booked the room next door. When they walked on the street together, Mr Barretta was there with his video camera to record it. When they went to bed, he contrived to film those private moments, too.

[...]

Mr Barretta was a poverty-stricken Abruzzo boy who made good. As lord of the Valle Grande manor, he has told visiting journalists his rags-to-riches story: how as a child he walked 10 kilometres to school, how he was apprenticed as a stone-mason but threw it up to emigrate, finding work in Germany and elsewhere, before returning to his roots laden with riches to build his fine hotel.

The journalists may have believed him but for the locals, at least the way they tell it now, there was always something fishy about Mr Barretta and his money. But many in the valley, we are told, were also in thrall to him. This was a man “of great intelligence”, said Gennaro Varone, the public prosecutor leading the investigation, “with the capacity to get many people to follow him, who were subsequently set to work on his estate” for poor wage.

Information gleaned from telephone bugs has also convinced investigators that he made a name locally as a religious guru, a man with the ability to “induce belief” and “to speak with the voice of God”. Exploiting these powers, he formed a sort of prayer group, composed mostly of women from the valley, with whom he enjoyed sexual relations in return putting them up for free in his hotel. Mr Barretta flatly denies all this.

Although this is little more than a wacky-news headline on this side of the Atlantic, this is a major story in Europe. Germans are shocked that their richest woman could get played like this. Italians are amazed and amused at the doings of shady Barretta. Everyone else is cracking up at the lurid tales of the money grubbing gigolo/con man.

The best thing we found while perusing European media for reactions is a giggle-inducing reconstruction of the Holiday Inn tryst.

A deep hat tip and bow from the waist for whoever produced this image, which we found on the Czech website BLICK:

Nazi-revenge conspiracists will be disappointed to hear that Sgarbi pled guilty, sparing Ms. Klatten the embarrassment of a trial in which she’d surely have had to testify:

A former Swiss investment banker was jailed for six years on Monday for trying to blackmail Germany’s wealthiest woman, heiress to the BMW car empire, with secret video of their lovemaking.

Helg Sgarbi admitted at the start of his trial that he had seduced heiress Susanne Klatten and three other wealthy women, persuading them to pay him almost 10 million euros (9.2 million pounds) under various false pretexts.

“I regret what I did,” Sgarbi, 44, told the Munich court, with little emotion. “I apologise to the women involved.”

Klatten, a member of the Quandt family — the leading shareholders in carmaker BMW — went public last year with the story of how her lover secretly shot intimate footage and later demanded tens of million of euros not to reveal it.

Sgarbi’s admission spares Klatten, who is rarely seen in public, a court appearance.

Seems like all these people turned out the loser in this situation.

Haha!! And we are the big winners because we get to mock them.

Mono County, California, is located along the Nevada border.

It’s a desolate place known mostly as the locale of Mammoth Mountain Ski Resort, an epic winter destination where the slopes are tasty and none of the employees are bearded.

Apart from Mammoth, there really isn’t that much going on in Mono County. They have about 13,000 residents, not even enough to have their own congressional district.

There are some natural wonders to behold. Oh, and a ghost town!

It’s a locale where a design for a new courthouse becomes the hot topic…because it’s too fruity and “Santa Monica” for the rugged Mono folks.

So it’s safe to say things are probably pretty damn relaxed in Mono County…an assumption that is only confirmed by a visit to the county Sheriff Department’s website.

Here you can find press releases on all the high crimes and misdemeanors that the law has to battle in those parts.

A few highlights are “Elderly Man Arrested Twice Within 24 Hours,” “Window Smashed at Tiger Bar by Drunk Patron,” and “Erratic Driving Leads to Interesting Traffic Stop and Arrest.“

(That last one is particularly weird: “During a search of Mr. Kavanach’s vehicle, the Deputy discovered a loaded handgun that was hidden inside the vehicle’s multiple CD changer in the trunk, a ski mask with goggles, gas mask, wig and mustache, additional ammunition and photos and maps of bridges, commercial structures, and various locations in California including the San Onofre Nuclear Power Plant.”)

So apparently while they wait around for evildoers to show up with costumes and potentially diabolical plans, or just drunken old men wandering around town, the Sheriff’s Department doesn’t fail to keep busy.

Why, just peruse the images posted to their website…

Here’s the deputies huntin’ and fishin’!

Here are the deputies getting their ride on – on steeds of flesh and of iron!

Undoubtedly the best part of the website is the pictures from “Taser Training”.

Watch the Mono County deputies tase the shit out each other!

The ladies were not spared…

Wait a minute – did they tase the same woman twice?

Either they’re sisters, or someone made the mistake of stealing the Sheriff/Coroner’s parking spot the week of Taser Training…

ANYWAY, other than our apparent obsession with Sheriffs this week, this fine outfit came to our attention via a link forwarded by Nils Coq au Vin.

Seems that when they aren’t yanking fish out of Mono Lake or shooting each other with Tasers, the Sheriff’s Department is tricking stupid Orange County residents into showing up in their jurisdiction loaded down with drugs.

Then they arrest them while wielding assault rifles!! Bad ass!

Over the past week, agents with the Mono Narcotic Enforcement Team (MONET) have operated an internet based sting operation. Officers report that agents posed as the sellers of vouchers for Mammoth Mountain. Rather than cash, officers say they clearly stated that the lift tickets were to be exchanged for narcotics.

MONET agents say they received numerous offers from prospective buyers. The deals were arranged for Friday in Mammoth. When the buyers arrived in Mammoth and gave the agents narcotics in exchange for vouchers, they were arrested.

With visible arrests in broad daylight Friday, the Town of Mammoth was abuzz with talk of the arrests. Friday afternoon, Police could be seen holding the suspects at gunpoint in a parking lot off Old Mammoth road. The suspects appeared to be dressed for a day on the slopes, but instead found themselves in front of officers pointing pistols and assault rifles at them.

There were a total of 6 suspects arrested and charged. Officers say that they seized about 1 pound of marijuana, ¼ ounce of cocaine, Ecstasy tablets, and a variety of prescription medications.

Officers arrested 22 year old Travis Jennings of San Luis Obispo, 28 year old Joshua Martin of Newport Beach, 30 year old Christopher Nichols of Newport Beach, 27 year old Molly Malloy of Huntington Beach, and 21 year old Jonathan Morrison of Highland Park.

All suspects were booked into the Mono County Jail on charges ranging from sales of controlled substance, possession of cocaine, sales and possession of more than 1 oz. of marijuana and conspiracy.

Local blog Sierra Wave has pictures of the bust, and they’re a delicious combo of ridiculous and awe-inspiring.

[UPDATE: The pictures have been buried. Tragic.]

A pound of weed, some coke, a little ecstasy…not a lot of dope on the table there, but what the hell, at least five O.C. deadbeats will think twice before bringing their doper asses to Mammoth again…

And sure, the assault rifles probably weren’t needed. But they look cool as hell, so who cares!

A story in the Orange County Register reveals that the method of the sting was deliciously simple…just a post on Craigslist saying “Lift tickets for 420, yo” and the drug fiends came sprinting right into the trap!

Four Orange County residents were arrested in Mammoth Lakesin a sting involving undercover police officers selling ski lift tickets for drugs, police officials confirmed today.

Mono County Sheriff’s Department officers advertised on Craigslist.com an offer to sell lift vouchers for Mammoth Lakes’ skiing area in exchange for narcotics. The buyers came to Mammoth Lakes, gave the agents the drugs, and were arrested Friday, Mono sheriff’s officials said.

[...]

This was the first time this type of sting has been done by the department, Mono sheriff’s spokeswoman Shannon Kendall said.

But assuredly not the last, because in between all the snowmobiling, horseback riding, and fishing, you best BELIEVE the Mono County Sheriff’s Department is gonna bust some lowlifes.

Even if they have to import them!

And after a hard day’s work, it’s time to take on the local high school in a spirited game of b-ball…

We already know what you’re thinking.

Apply for a job in the Mono County Sheriff’s Department by clicking here!

This is a pretty funny story in and of itself, courtesy of the SHAWNEE (KS) DISPATCH:

Shawnee police Thursday arrested an Olathe man for allegedly masturbating in the toy aisle of Wal-Mart.

Police arrested Lloyd Alexander, 45, at about 6:50 p.m. as he left the Wal-Mart Supercenter at 65th and Maurer. Capt. Bill Hisle said several different Wal-Mart customers observed Alexander masturbating in a toy aisle, though he reportedly did not expose himself and stopped when someone entered the aisle, starting again when the person left.

Alexander was booked into the Johnson County Jail Thursday on a misdemeanor charge of lewd and lascivious behavior and posted a $2,000 bond Friday.

However, the story becomes far more bizarre and gigglesome thanks to this follow-up from the KANSAS CITY STAR:

An Olathe man was charged today for masturbating in the toy aisle of a discount store in Shawnee, police said.

Lloyd Alexander, 45, faces a misdemeanor charge of lewd and lascivious behavior for the alleged incident Thursday evening. Police said the man masturbated in front of a Hot Wheels display at the Wal-Mart at 16100 W. 65th St., but stopped the act whenever people walked near.

He told police he had a Hot Wheels collection, said Shawnee Capt. Bill Hisle. “He seemed to be excited by the toys for some reason.”

Needless to say, when Lloyd Alexander of Olathe, KS makes a withdrawal from the spank bank, he doesn’t watch porn.

He watches this:

Turn me up, turn me on, turn me loose INDEED.

Two prisoners in New Zealand are facing fresh charges after their attempt to flee from police escort outside a courthouse ended in complete failure.

Interestingly enough, the best writeup of this wacky crime tale comes from the extremely snarky AP story:

WELLINGTON, New Zealand – It was less than a Great Escape. Two New Zealand prisoners who were handcuffed together as they fled a courthouse foiled their own getaway when they ran to opposite sides of a light pole, slammed into each other and fell to the ground. Jailers nabbed them as they struggled to their feet.

Their escapade on Wednesday was captured by a CCTV camera at Hastings District Court on New Zealand’s North Island. The footage shows the two men trying to make a break for it — but apparently forgetting they were joined at the wrist.

Hastings police Senior Sgt. Dave Greig said one inmate, Regan Reti, 20, had just been sent to prison for more than two years after being convicted of assault.

The other inmate, Tiranara White, 21, was in custody for allegedly stealing a car and violating parole.

“As they were being led from the Hastings police cells … they made a bolt for freedom,” Greig told The Associated Press on Thursday.

“They fell over and they were sprayed with pepper spray. But they got up and ran out of the court onto the street, across the road to a car park,” he said. “That’s where they met the pole — it was all over, rover.”

The pair were back in court Thursday, facing fresh charges of escaping from custody.

Police said Reti, who pleaded guilty to the charge, had a month added to his prison term. White did not enter a plea. He will remain in police custody while a psychiatric evaluation is carried out.

Grainy footage of the escapade shown on TV One News was billed as “one of the worst escape attempts ever seen.”

Here’s the video of the two prisoners’ botched escape from a grainy CCTV feed – no audio required, this gigglefest is all in the visuals.

Smooth move, fellas. For their efforts, the two inept cons got facefuls of pepper spray, all kinds of bumps and bruises, and an additional month in jail.

These two are leading candidates to be further sentenced to Prison Prison once they get behind bars…

This may LOOK like an innocent, humble goat to you.

But that’s because you aren’t privy to the sorcery-detection abilities of Nigerian vigilantes!

This is a story that’s rapidly making its way through the wacky news pipeline – we received it via link from Gchat buddy J. Ho. It’s pretty damn hilarious:

Vigilantes took the black and white beast to the police saying it was an armed robber who had used black magic to transform himself into a goat to escape arrest after trying to steal a Mazda 323.

“The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car. They pursued them. However one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat,” Kwara state police spokesman Tunde Mohammed told Reuters by telephone.

“We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat,” he said.

Belief in witchcraft is widespread in parts of Nigeria, Africa’s most populous nation. Residents came to the police station to see the goat, photographed in one national newspaper on its knees next to a pile of straw.

To really get the bottom line, we tracked down the original article from Nigeria’s Vanguard newspaper:

Police Parade Goat as Robbery Suspect
Written by Demola Akinyemi

It was a shocking sight yesterday as men of the Kwara State Police Command paraded a goat as an armed robbery suspect.

The goat “suspect” is being detained over an alleged attempt to snatch a Mazda car. The mysterious goat, according to the Police Public Relations Officer, Mr. Tunde Mohammed, while briefing bewildered journalists at the Force headquarters, is an armed robber who attempted to snatch the said car, Wednesday night, and later transformed into the goat in a bid to escape arrest.

He explained that men of a vigilance group in Anifowose Ipata/Oloje areas of the state capital had chased two armed robbery suspects who wanted to demobilise the Mazda car with the intention of stealing it, and “while one of them escaped, the other was about to be apprehended by the team when he turned his back on the wall and turned to this goat. They quickly grabbed the goat and here it is.’’ Mohammed said.

The police spokesman said the goat “armed robbery suspect” will not be left off the hook until investigations into the case are concluded.

He also said that no fewer than five stolen vehicles have been recovered by the state Police Command while some suspects were also arrested. Among those arrested, he said was one Idowu Oni of Araromi area of Akure who escaped from Akure Prison.

He added that the escaped convict was arrested in Ilorin after stealing a Mazda 323 car belonging to Mrs. Henrietta Ayijesu.

He also said another armed robbery and rape suspect was in their custody, assuring that the suspects will soon appear in court.

Ten bucks says those “suspects” are a baboon and a llama.

Mazda 323: Common quarry of goat-sorcerer-thieves.

The BBC took a step back, in an attempt to figure out how on earth Nigerian police actually held a press conference to brag about arresting a goat.

The belief in witchcraft and the power to change shapes is common in Nigeria.

Police reform activists have condemned the “arrest”, saying it highlights the low education levels of many Nigerian police officers.

Nigeria’s Vanguard newspaper has a picture of the goat and reports that police paraded it in front of journalists in the Kwara state capital Ilorin on Thursday.

[...]

The BBC’s Andrew Walker in Abuja says communities often rely on ill-educated and badly prepared vigilante squads to fill the gaps where the police will not patrol at night.

Innocent Chukwuma of the justice reform group the Cleen Foundation, told the BBC that many Nigerian police officers were poorly educated.

“There are officers who don’t even have a secondary school education, and the police have a big job to do in finding these people and getting rid of them.”

He said in the past political leaders had allowed the police to be filled with incompetent and in some cases criminal officers so they could be easily bought to protect their own criminal activities.

Police have also been unable to stop vigilante squads from lynching suspects before they could investigate, he said.

Look out, Bernie Madoff victims! Another master criminal is plying his trade in the lap of luxury that many of you call home!

Police in Palm Beach, Florida are hunting a ninja.

A fat ninja who has yet to successfully pull off a crime!

One might go so far as to call him an anti-ninja. Pot bellies and failed ATM thefts are about the least ninja-like attributes one could imagine. WE are more ninja than this jackass.

Palm Beach County sheriff’s deputies are looking for a would-be thief who seems to think he is a ninja.

The unidentified man, who was dressed in a black ninja outfit with a hood that only shows his eyes, was caught on surveillance cameras trying to steal the ATM machines outside the Colonial Bank at 152 South State Road 7 on Dec. 29 and outside a Walgreens at U.S. 441 and Okeechobee Boulevard on Tuesday.

Sheriff’s spokeswoman Teri Barbera said she did not how the man tried to steal the machines, but that he was unsuccessful in both attempts.

The thief may be wearing a ninja outfit, but he does not appear to be of the same physical stature as martial arts legends Bruce Lee or Sonny Chiba. Surveillance footage shows the heavyset man has a noticeable pot belly.

Anyone with information regarding the attempted ATM robberies or can possibly identify this suspect, is asked to contact Detective McCranels at (561) 904-8273 or Crime Stoppers at 1-800-458-TIPS.

First of all, we estimate the over/under on prank calls to Detective McCranels at 50,000. And we’re taking the over.

Secondly, this fat ninja wannabe has nothing on the legendary ninja thief of Staten Island, whose 2007 crime spree made for dozens of hilarious NYC headlines.

STATEN ISLAND NINJA BURGLAR STRIKES AGAIN, VICTIMIZES ELDERLY COUPLE

[...]

Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly said the burglaries appear to be linked to the Ninja Burglar because in one case he had crept through an open door.

“We caution people to lock their doors,” Kelly said. “Keep their windows locked as well.”

The Ninja has hit at least 18 homes since May 20. The last heist before this weekend came on Sept. 21.

“There had been enough publicity, and people were upset,” said Dr. Mohammad Khalid, president of the Iron Hills Civic Association. “He probably thought it wise to stop his activities.”

The suspect has entered through garage doors in the morning and second-story windows and skylights at night, cops said. He wears all-black, including a ski mask, and usually steals cash and jewelry.

In one incident, a resident stabbed the bandit after the intruder smacked him in the collarbone with his ninja sticks.

Now THAT’S a felonious ninja you can respect! (A serious hat tip to the Daily News on adding the nunchucks to the graphic.)

NYC police ultimately pinned the ninja crime wave on some Albanian guy who was quietly deported (read: sent to a secret CIA prison for torture until he gave up his ninja techniques to interrogators).

We still think U-God had something to do with it. Honestly, does he have anything else going on? Besides making devils cower to the “Caucus Mountains,” of course.

We leave you with the legendary Afroninja. Also way better than Fat Ninja.

Anyway. That’s what happened in Wilkes-Barre, PA:

WILKES-BARRE, Pa. – A family did not realize they had an unexpected Christmas guest until a man who had been in their attic for days emerged wearing their clothes, police said.

Stanley Carter surrendered Friday after police took a dog to search the home in Plains Township, a suburb of Wilkes-Barre about 100 miles north of Philadelphia. He was charged with several counts of burglary, theft, receiving stolen property and criminal trespass.

“When he came down from the attic, he was wearing my daughter’s pants and my sweat shirt and sneakers,” homeowner Stacy Ferrance said. “From what I gather, he was helping himself to my home, eating my food and stealing my clothes.”

Police said the 21-year-old Carter had been staying with his friends, who are Ferrance’s neighbors in a duplex. But when they told him to leave, he apparently accessed the shared attic through a trap door in a bedroom ceiling.

The friends said Carter went missing on Dec. 19 and they filed a missing person report a few days before Christmas.

Easily the best part of this story is the fact that Carter kept an itemized list of all the things he was purloining from the Ferrance household…and titled it with comic genius.

Ferrance said she had heard noises but thought they were caused by her three children. She notified police on Christmas Day when cash, a laptop computer and an iPod disappeared, then called police again the next day when she found footprints in her bedroom closet, where the attic trap door is located.

Carter kept a list of everything he took, said Plains Township police Officer Michael Smith.

“When we were going through the inventory of what he did take, we found a note labeled ‘Stanley’s Christmas List’ of all the items he had removed from the residence and donated to himself,” Smith said.

Carter was in jail Sunday at the Luzerne County Correctional Facility with a preliminary hearing set for Jan. 5. It was not immediately clear if he had a lawyer.

If you feel like killing some brain cells you can read the comments on this story at Newsvine, where a variety of intellectual giants find a way to blame this story on “Hillary, Obama and Schumer.”