Australians are One Step Ahead

We suppose now is as good a time as any to admit our secret master plan to make the universe a better place. America must breed Shiloh Jolie-Pitt and J.E.T. Moynihan (Tom Brady’s love child) to create a superhuman specimen of the best the USA has to offer, which we will then clone and send out to colonize the planets.

ROTI is forced to make this flawless scheme public for the first time because we have learned the Australians are developing the same superchild capability and are in fact one step ahead! What the hell??

As best we can figure, Michael Phelps may prove to be the Sputnik in the superhuman sweepstakes with our adversaries in the Southern hemisphere. Previous Australian ubermensch Ian “Thorpedo” Thorpe was totally humiliated by Phelps’ recordbreaking performance in Beijing. We believe that this awakened the Aussies to American genetic superiority. People magazine reports that the Australians have already planned their next move!!

Russell Crowe jokes that a bride has already been picked out for his 2-year-old son Tennyson – 2 1/2-month-old Sunday Rose Urban.

Sunday not only has the same birthday as Tennyson, she just happens to be the daughter of Crowe’s close pals Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman.

Three of the four grandparents of Australian future super child.
Non famous grandparent not pictured for obvious reasons.

“Nicole had one look at my younger son Tennyson, and looked up at me and said, ‘I’m a great believer in arranged marriages,'” the actor said Friday in Beverly Hills while promoting his film Body of Lies. “I believe she made the connection between Sunday and Tennyson now – so Tennyson is already engaged!”

It was all worked out at Crowe’s home in Australia recently, he says.

What makes this most startling is that not only are the Aussies one step ahead of the USA, but in addition, the Australian superchild will have the extremely valuable ginger genes from Ms. Kidman…

GINGERS IN SPACE!!! It’s enough to make us consider changing our citizenship.

About Alpine McGregor
Just like you, man. I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase. All in the game, though, right?

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