Warren Sapp beat Lance Bass in a dance contest.

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Boy-banders cannot win dance contests against ex-NFL stars. Further proof that boy bands were one of the worst musical trends in the last 25 years. First it was Drew “Nick’s little bro” Lachey shitting the bed against Jerry Rice, now Lance Bass got beat by Warren Sapp.

Yes – 300 pound defensive tackle Warren Sapp. Beat Lance Bass in a dance contest.

Srsly!

Technically, they both lost to Brooke Burke, but the battle for 2nd place went to the tubby d-lineman, not the fey baritone.

The LA TIMES ShowTracker blog reports:

Each finalist brought specific strengths to the competition. Brooke Burke was technically strong and very consistent, and her and Derek’s routines were often more ambitious than those of the other contestants. Lance Bass and Lacey exhibited a great deal of stage presence and solid technical skills; over time, too, their choreography managed to hit the right balance of personality and adherence to the rules. Warren Sapp and Kym consistently wowed the live audience with their exuberance, and Warren got high marks for degree of personal difficulty, given that he’s a 300-pound ex-NFL player.

In the end, though, Brooke’s skills won out, with Warren coming in second, and Lance –- surprisingly (to me, at least ) –- landing in third.

[…]

Finally, we were on to our finalists’ last competitive dances. First on the dance floor were Warren and Kym, reprising their super-fun hustle, which was a best-of amalgamation of disco moves. Len said that Warren might not be the judges’ champion, but he is the people’s champion. Bruno, wearing a jacket that was even whiter than Ted McGinley’s teeth, said something about Warren’s craftiness, which seemed to be a compliment. Carrie Ann said that Warren makes everyone want to dance, which is actually kind of true. Score: 27/30, for a total of 80/90 from the three dances over two nights.

Next up were Lance and Lacey, who wisely did their nifty jitterbug from last week again. Although I wouldn’t have thought it possible, the dance actually seemed to have more energy than it did the first time. No shoes were shed this time, however. Bruno said Lance has become a great showman. Carrie Ann cited them for struggling with one lift, which even I noticed. She applauded them for never taking the safe road, however. Len expressed surprise that Lance had made it all the way to the finals but said he deserved it and had “sparkled” in the last few weeks. Score: 28/30, for a total of 81/90 for the three dances over two nights.

Dancing last were Brooke and Derek, who chose to do their Viennese waltz again. I felt this was a questionable decision, since the Viennese waltz is so blah compared to the alternatives. It did, however, showcase Brooke’s excellent form, fluidity and grace, and the classicism of the dance seemed to please the judges. There was one obvious little stumble, I thought, but the judges didn’t mention it. Carrie Ann, seemingly on the verge of tears, called Brooke a true star. Len said it was still the dance of the season. And Bruno called it –- or Brooke -– “bellissima.” Score: 30/30, for a remarkable total of 88/90 for the three dances over two nights.

After these final dances, we found out who landed in third place: Lance and Lacey. I found this shocking –- I’d have thought it would be Warren and Kym. And Joey Fatone –- who finished second in Season 4 -– will have something to lord over Lance forever. The ‘N Sync dynamics may never fade, it seems, despite Lance’s progress in getting over the “worst dancer in the group” scarlet letter he was fated to wear.

And then it was on to the big reveal: the champions were Brooke and Derek, and Warren and Kym the runners-up. Brooke’s fiancé — who has a very broad forehead and gives off the impression of wearing an ascot, even when he isn’t — beamed with pride.

Unbelievable. All those training sessions with NSYNC and Wade Robson went for nothing.

A man who is famous for his ability to sing and dance (and be gay) just lost a dance contest to a man famous for talking trash and crushing quarterbacks (and Quarter Pounders).

Somewhere, Topanga is shedding a single tear.

(Also worth mentioning: Joey Fatone competed in an NFL-veteran-free season, and found a way to lose to Apolo Anton Ohno. Epic fail!)

So, congratulations to new DWTS champion Brooke Burke and her very creepy-looking partner. But most of all, congratulations to the NFL, for really cementing the reputation of boy bands as a cultural sinkhole best forgotten about as quickly as possible.

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About Alpine McGregor
Just like you, man. I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase. All in the game, though, right?

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