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Minnesota: World HQ of Inappropriate Sex

smoot

The Love Boat…exciting and new…come aboard, Minnesota, we’re expecting yoooooouuuuuu…

Over the past few years, the state of Minnesota has apparently become a complete den of iniquity. It seems that a certain portion of the population there has taken to sexin’ wherever and whenever the mood strikes them.

Apparently, nowhere in Minnesota is safe from the plague of fornication. You could be innocently working as a bartender on a chartered boat, trying to drop a deuce in the airport, or simply working your shift at a hotel when suddenly, shockingly, private parts are up in your grill.

As far as we can tell, this tidal wave of copulatory misconduct began in 2005 with the Minnesota Vikings and their “Love Boat” sex cruise scandal. Cornerback Fred Smoot hired a party boat for an evening’s cruise. Only, he didn’t tell them that the cruise was really an orgy with NFL players and strippers.

The Wikipedia entry for this hootenanny reveals the hilarious detail that Stephen Doyle, attorney for the charter company, said some of the sex acts alleged by witnesses to have taken place during the party included, “Masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, woman on man, woman on woman, man on man, toys, double penetration, middle of the floor, middle of the couches, middle of the room.”

We’re pretty sure that might have been plagiarized from an R. Kelly song.

Anyhow, this full out hedonism was all that was needed to get the word out about Minnesota’s swinging ways.

Next thing you know, Idaho Senator Larry Craig decided to engage in a little “cottagingat the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport.

More Wiki hilarity:

According to the police report, the police officer sat in a bathroom stall as part of an undercover operation investigating complaints of sexual activity in the restroom. After about 13 minutes of sitting in the stall, the police officer observed Craig lingering outside and frequently peeking through the crack of the door on the stall. Craig then entered the stall to the left of the officer’s stall. The police officer made the following observations, which he recorded in his report of the incident, as to what happened next:

At 1216 hours, Craig tapped his right foot. I recognized this as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct. Craig tapped his toes several times and moves his foot closer to my foot. … The presence of others did not seem to deter Craig as he moved his right foot so that it touched the side of my left foot which was within my stall area. Craig then proceeded to swipe his left hand under the stall divider several times, with the palm of his hand facing upward.

According to the incident report and criminal complaint filed in court, the officer showed Craig his police identification beneath the partition separating their stalls, and the officer then pointed his finger towards the restroom exit.

HAHAHA who wouldn’t love to have seen the look on the Senator’s face as the badge was flashed??

craig“I am NOT gay…” As if that was the issue, dude.

As most of you know, Senator Craig pleaded “wide stance,” then guilty, then not guilty, then said he’d resign, then didn’t resign, then simply faded away into the ionosphere of schadenfreude.

Now the word was REALLY out about Minnesota, land of bathroom boof.

And so this came to pass:

Lois Feldman of Carroll, Iowa was enjoying a one sided college football game (55-0) between her beloved Iowa Hawkeyes and the Minnesota Gophers last weekend when she suddenly opted to engage in a quickie sex romp with a stranger in the Minneapolis Metrodome men’s room and “ruined her life.”

The 38 year old fan and mother of three attended the game with her husband, who declined an invitation to accompany his wife to the restroom. She set off on her own and the next thing she knew, she was being thrown around by police officers in a handicap stall of the men’s bathroom after engaging in sex with a 26 year old stranger while more than a dozen people cheered them on.

The male half of the impromptu liaison was identified as Ross Walsh of Linden, Iowa. He was at the game with his girlfriend, who took him home after police released him to her. Feldman used a fictitious name but police were able to track down her husband in the facility and released her to him. It was probably a long ride back to Iowa for both couples.

Lois Kay Feldman: Shocked to learn that Shaggy/RikRok “It Wasn’t Me” defense was not accepted by police.

Lois Feldman, at this point completely humiliated and fired from her job taboot, is now falling back on the “I was drunk and got taken advantage of” excuse that comes thisclose to accusing Mr. Walsh of rape.

All of which REALLY does not hold water when you read the police report.

Tell the truth, Mrs. Feldman – using the excuse of a big football game, you made a pilgrimage to the temple of inappropriate intercourse to make your ministrations on a filthy altar! After all, complete perverts are the biggest import to hit Minnesota since the Nintendo Wii!

Naturally, a few native Minnesotans wanted to demonstrate to Mr. Smoot, Mr. Craig, Ms. Feldman and Mr. Walsh that their carpetbagging ways could be topped by the real deal. And by “a few native Minnesotans,” we mean the executives of the Minneapolis Hilton:

A former manager of the upscale restaurant at the Hilton Minneapolis who allegedly walked in on upper management having an orgy has filed a lawsuit that probably stretches liability for “undirected” sexual harassment beyond its limits.

Deborah Smith’s case may be the first to allege harassment-by-orgy, testing to what extent a plaintiff may be injured by “undirected” sexual conduct and whether a single incident of group sex amounts to “sufficiently severe or pervasive” sexual harassment.

According to the complaint, Smith, who was the night manager at the SkyWater Restaurant, opened a door to a banquet room at the Hilton where “she discovered an orgy” with “various Hilton executives inebriated and engaging in sexual acts.”

“In fact, she observed Hilton executives on top of a table engaging in sexual activity,” the suit says.

After Smith “walked away from the orgy,” SkyWater beverage manager James Vennewitz allegedly told her “she would be fired, and he would make sure of it.” She complained about the orgy to human resources but “a campaign of harassment and retaliation ensued,” culminating in her termination on Dec. 19, 2007.

Another employee of the hotel has come forward with even more explosive allegations against this eminent sleaze, Mr. Vennewitz:

In what could be a long and sticky legal battle against Hilton Hotels, a participant in the alleged Minneapolis Hilton hotel orgy is suing another coworker who invited her to the evening of group sex.

April Bezdichek, 25, is suing the company as well as James M. Vennewitz, 38, who was the hotel beverage manager at the time of the incident. Bezdichek now resides in Corona, Calif. and Vennewitz is from St. Paul. Bezdichek is suing for eight counts, including sexual harassment, assault, invasion of privacy, battery conduct, negligence, and retaliation.

After reporting the incidents, she said she was no longer called in for shifts and resigned….

Warning: Some of the following text from the lawsuit is graphic.

Vennewitz told Plaintiff to come to the hotel on her night off. She was instructed to come to the banquet room in which (unknown to her), an orgy was occurring. The orgy included various members of Defendant Hilton upper management.

During this orgy, various Hilton executives were inebriated and engaging in sexual acts. In fact, Hilton executives were on the top of a table engaging in sexual activity.

After she came into the room, Defendant Manager Vennewitz pulled her onto his lap and pumped her up and down on his erect penis. He told her how good it felt and tried to physically force her up to a hotel room.

We have no idea why this didn’t work, it sounds like he pulled some pretty smooth moves.

Here’s April Bedzichek on Facebook, where she goes by the nom de plume “Hipy Chk.” Get it?? Wordplay!!

For some odd reason, this prude doesn’t appreciate being pawed by her skeevy boss…

All of which brings us to our conclusion.

Minnesota is in a condition not unlike the one experienced by South Central Los Angeles after the disintegration/suppression of the Black Panthers.

Stick with us, this kind of makes sense.

You see, when the FBI crushed the Panthers with their COINTELPRO program, what they left behind was a city full of young black men with only the faintest idea of what true leadership represented – they recalled the uniforms and the strength in numbers of the Panthers, but were too young to dome their political ideals and communitarian spirit. And thus the Panther ethic was converted into street-hoodlum criminal organizations – first the Crips, and the rival Bloods. What was once a movement for positive change, even when abrasive and scary to the status quo, soon became a horrorshow, abrasive and scary to everyone.

This is exactly what happened to Minnesota!!

When Prince Rogers Nelson got everyone all riled up and sexual with the Minneapolis Sound, Tipper Gore et al were scandalized, but those in the know were well aware that Prince’s lascivious songcraft was high art.

But when Prince split town for more cosmopolitan locales, like Carlos Boozer’s West Hollywood mansion, which he decorated with purple stripes and symbols of himself, he left behind in his wake an extremely horny populace and a long-lasting rap for Minnesota as the place for funky, promiscuous, controversial sexing. And NO leadership!

The stage was set for a rash of embarrassing sexual incidents. And ever since Fred Smoot lifted the curtain in 2005, the show has been goin’ on.

If you ask us, it’s high time for all of this to come to a rich, foamy head with the first ever URBAN SEX RIOTS.

Stay tuned…

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About Alpine McGregor
Just like you, man. I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase. All in the game, though, right?

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