“Hooray! It’s a Murder Day!!!”

Our reporting is generally done on the backs of actual journalists who work their butts off to find out the truth of interesting stories, which we then republish with no compensation. Because we’re assholes.

However, this post will be an exception.

According to multiple sources in Cave Creek, Arizona, a murder-suicide last night led to the lockdown of all the local schools this morning. And the students are rejoicing!

First, we’ll get the background from ABC15:

Officials said a man is dead after a woman was shot to death in the North Valley Tuesday morning.

According to the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office, a female received a gunshot wound in the area of 64th Street and Dixileta Drive in Cave Creek.

MSCO and SWAT arrived on scene and conducted a search of the area for the suspect before finding a male dead inside of a home.

The female was discovered dead outside the home, according to officials.

MCSO said homicide detectives are on scene to determine if the incident is a murder-suicide or another possible situation.

Cave Creek Unified School District said Cactus Shadows High School, Desert Arroyo Middle School, Lone Mountain Elementary School, and Black Mountain Elementary School are on lockdown.

Normally this would be just another tragic case of a life snuffed out before its time. But what’s newsworthy here is not the crime – it’s the reaction of local high schoolers.

Undoubtedly, these students have long envied their peers in more temperate climes, who can count on a least a couple of days off every year due to snow days. No such luck in the Phoenix area. The school schedule comes off without a hitch in the Valley of the Sun, where every day brings perfect weather from fall through spring, and delays and cancellations are unheard of.

Until the dawning of “Murder Day.”

Cell phones and BlackBerries across Cave Creek lit up this morning as news of the lockdown sparked glee at the unexpected day off among the student bodies. The occasion was quickly dubbed MURDER DAY!

There’s been no word on the connection between the murder-suicide and the school lockdowns, although ostensibly there was some kind of bomb threat or the shooter was thought to be at large.

What is known – this story is developing as we type – is that the threat to the schools has been deemed invalid and the schools have been officially reopened. “Murder Day” isn’t even an official school closing.

However, the students have already decided that school is officially out for the day and a long line of cars has been espied departing the local high school. Others, who hadn’t made it to school when the alarm sounded, are simply playing dumb and not showing up at all.

The pupils are bailing out as fast as their rides can carry them, eager to celebrate a lovely, lovely Murder Day! It’s expected to be 60 degrees and partly sunny…

We spoke with one teacher who expressed astonishment at the joy his students were experiencing as they fled campus. “Somebody got killed,” he said.

However, his shock was amplified when he called one of his colleagues, asking him if he was headed in to work now that the lockdown had been lifted. “Fuck that,” the fellow teacher allegedly replied. “I already started drinking.”

It’s 9 AM in Phoenix.

About Alpine McGregor
Just like you, man. I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase. All in the game, though, right?

6 Responses to “Hooray! It’s a Murder Day!!!”

  1. Anonymous Teacher says:

    It’s true. They didn’t come back. Someone died and those rich brats are boating at Bartlett Lake.

    -Anonymous teacher, CCUSD

  2. Anonymous says:

    I think that this post makes the people of Cave Creek look callous and cruel. Our students are good people. They certainly are not “gleeful” that someone was shot. To suggest that our peaceful community is pro-violence is a ridiculous characterization.

  3. Student says:

    Kids did leave, and some kids were just exploiting the system for a free day off, but the majority of students that left were withdrawn by parents. Murders happen just because it happened near the school doesn’t make it more tragic for an average person. And shame on the school for not informing parents what was happening at the time and even after the event. I only heard about the incident through a text from a friend.

    to rebut the statement from the teacher “It’s true. They didn’t come back. Someone died and those rich brats are boating at Bartlett Lake.” Can you really be mad at kids for leaving and missing what? a day full of watching videos and playing games in every class.

    You cant blame the 30 juniors and seniors that left for the 75% empty classes and a day full of nothing.

  4. Anonymous CCUSD Teacher says:

    Hey, I don’t blame them. I went and puff a joint for the rest of the day. This diesel really makes you float.

  5. CCUSD Teacher says:

    No teacher wrote that above comment. We were all called back to school and were all back in class by 9:30 a.m. Many of us, like myself, were in lockdown. I resent the implication that teachers smoke drugs or drink during the day. This is an outright falsehood. We had a faculty meeting with ALL teachers attending directly after final bell, and all the teachers were sober. This is just getting out of hand.

    Murder is bad. No one supports it. We are not a town that has drinking/drugging employees.

  6. Sid Bailey says:


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