Further Charges Against Dick Are Pending

michael dick

Thanks to an anonymous elderly woman in Oregon, we now know the best way to stop a rampaging Dick.

Squeeze its balls!

C. Dave sent us this link, via aptonym-loving Gene Weingarten:

A naked man fled the home he broke into Tuesday morning after the woman who lives there attacked his genitals, police said.

Officers arrested Michael Dick, 46, of Gresham, on charges of burglary, harassment and private indecency.

Officials with the Multnomah County Sheriff’s Office said Dick, who was completely naked, entered the house through an unlocked sliding door at about 6:30 a.m. and pushed the 88-year-old woman face-first into a chair.

The victim was definitely shaken up, but luckily she is OK and unharmed. She said an old news story she saw years ago helped her defend herself.

“I was thinking, ‘Oh, this couldn’t be happening to me,’” the victim said.

After living in the home for 33 years without a problem, the woman — FOX 12 is calling Jennifer — couldn’t believe what happened to her.

She said she was picking up some logs for her wood stove, when all of a sudden a completely naked stranger walked in through her sliding glass door.

“I thought it was somebody I knew, but then seeing him without clothing, you know, it’s nobody I knew,” Jennifer said.

Jennifer said the man didn’t say a word. He just followed her around the room and kept pushing himself against her.

Police said he shoved her face-first into a chair, but before he could make another move, she fought back.“I kept saying, ‘No, no, no!’ And then I said, ‘Holy mother!’ And then I said, ‘God.’ And then he stopped and that’s when I reached around and grabbed him,” Jennifer said.

In that moment, she said she flashed back to an old news story about a woman facing a similar intruder. She remembered that woman survived by grabbing the man’s testicles.

The man tore free, ran out the door, jumped in his car and drove away, deputies said.

Police said a Multnomah County code enforcement officer was in the area when the call came over his radio, so he parked and took down the license plate information of two cars that drove by that could have been related to the burglary.

The license plate information led Troutdale officers to Dick’s car, which was still in the area, and after interviewing Dick, they arrested him…

Police said further charges against Dick are pending.

To round up our crime report,we have this amazing picture and caption sent to us by Nils Coq au Vin:


Robert Sylvester races across I-55/74 in Normal, Illinois, Monday, January 5, 2009 before being shot by police. Sylvester is a suspect in the robbery of Check ‘n Go at Market and Hinshaw Streets in Bloomington, Illinois, police said. The suspect fled with an undisclosed amount of cash. Sylvester led police on a high speed chase from Lexington to I-39 before he stopped on I-55/74 just north of Normal Community West High School in Normal. Sylvester was listed in critical condition at a Bloomington hospital.

About Alpine McGregor
Just like you, man. I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase. All in the game, though, right?

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