“You wouldn’t last a night in jail, hoon!”

We’d love to spend a week in the courtroom of Australia’s Magistrate Brian Maloney.

This eminent legal mind is quickly becoming a staple of wacky news roundups.

Magistrate Maloney first made his way onto the global news wires when he heard the case of Sanjay Warrier, M.D.

As a respected surgeon, Sanjay Warrier counts some of Sydney’s top medics among his friends. In turn, they know the senior surgical resident at Concord Hospital’s burns unit as a shy, religious man, with high ethical and moral standards.

So perhaps the only ones more surprised that he should be found naked in a compromising situation in broad daylight was Warrier himself – and the two women who called police.

Warrier’s problems began after he was “the last man standing” after a wild night out with fellow doctors on December 10 last year.

When they went home, Warrier – a man who normally didn’t drink – decided to kick on. What followed was “a gap” of six hours.

By 10am, Warrier was arrested at Carr St, Coogee, after the women reported a nude man sitting on a letterbox masturbating. He had exposed himself to Megan Campbell, 21, who was waiting for her friend Amanda Apro, 21.

An ashamed Dr. Warrier pled guilty.

Magistrate Moloney’s punishment for this fiend?

He dismissed the charges! “Magistrate Brian Moloney dismissed the charge, finding “society would be disadvantaged” if Warrier, a “skilled surgeon” with “much to offer”, was convicted.

From the looks of that case, one might think Magistrate Moloney was a soft touch liberal pinko, who would never judge an offender harshly.

That’s because you’ve never seen him angrily lecture a hoon!

Australian authorities have had it up to here with “hoons,” the country’s slang term for reckless drivers. They’re always speeding around, causing trouble! Damned hoons!

Worse still, they come in all ages: witness this case of the 78-year-old hoon who fancies himself a race car driver…

But perhaps Australia’s most notorious hoon of the moment is 19-year-old Cody Heap, who has already racked up an astonishing list of offenses. This week, he found himself in Magistrate Moloney’s court for a scathing lecture.

The judge’s rant draws upon every rhetorical tactic in the book. (The book’s title: “When an Old blasts a Hoon.”)

It includes “when I was your age”-style gripes about how this little whippersnapper avoided ‘Nam, threats of prison rape at the hands of “gorillas in the mist,” and most vividly, conjures the nightmare vision of disappointing one’s Nana:

I’m going to say a few things to you today, in a language I hope you understand. That’s not to patronise you, but it’s in the hope it gets through to you.

(A psychiatrist’s report says) you have feelings of ambivalence towards authority figures, perceive them as being demeaning, interfering, not to be trusted. Two men over there in blue uniforms are authority figures. I’m an authority figure because I represent the laws of this state…

Your father’s an authority figure – you probably don’t listen to your dad too much and if you don’t listen to your dad and he’s flesh and blood, then what hope do I have? In 10 minutes you will be gone and we will never see each other again – we can only hope – but while you’re here I’m going to do tell you a few things.

(The psychiatrist’s report says) you’re immature . . . at 19 it means you can vote, that’s all. Thirty-odd years ago you would have been called up for service to go to Vietnam. You’re immature, what chance would you have had over there? In the trenches? None. In terms of years you’re an adult but between the ears, you are not. That’s something you have to recognise. You are not clinically depressed or have a psychiatric illness or condition. It would appear you are at the lower end of the spectrum – that’s a good thing for your future and the future of all of us who are going to use the roads in this state. You’re easily led and like to impress your friends.

Let me give you a few facts – you got two drive whilst suspended (charges), then you drive again and you’re driving whilst disqualified. This is the fourth.

You spent three days in the Sydney police centre at Surry Hills. That’s not jail. I’m giving you another chance to go back out there but if you do it again that’s it. Nope. Payday. Have you got any idea what it’s like in there? Any idea at all? You wouldn’t last a night. You will find big, ugly, hairy, strong men who’ve got faces only a mother could love that will pay a lot of attention to you – and your anatomy. Scary, isn’t it? But that’s what will happen.

Your mates you want to impress are not going to do any time in jail for you. They will sit down there, on North Cronulla beach, and say, “Wow, Heapsy’s in jail.” Why would you want to impress them?


Your parents probably sleep with one eye open, waiting for you to come home at night. They worry about you. Your father is only here today because he loves you and wants to help you. You are not bulletproof. (You think) “It’s not going to happen to me”. It will. It can, it can happen to all of us. Accidents happen all the time; in the car with far greater catastrophic results.

Have you got a Nana? (Nods) Do you like her? (Nods) Well do it for her. She thinks the world of you, doesn’t she? (Nods again). Next time you’re out there with your mates trying to impress them, think, “What would Nana think?” She’s probably not as judgmental as you think your parents are, she’s all loving and forgiving. If you think she would be disappointed in you, don’t do it.

I probably should sentence you to jail but that would probably ruin your life and I think more can be gained with trying to educate you. You’re not driving until September 2013. You are to be of good behaviour for 12 months or you will come back before the court and be re-sentenced.

You will do 150 hours of community service. You will see the Probation and Parole Service and do the traffic offender’s program. If you don’t do what they say, you will effectively be telling me that you want to go and shower with the gorillas in the mist down at Long Bay jail.

Let’s see what impression this lecture had on young Mr. Heap.

Surely he was sobered and chastened by the Magistrate’s words…


Sydney’s Daily Telegraph was outraged:

HAVING just received the biggest lecture of his life and narrowly escaping a jail sentence, disqualified P-plater Cody Heap might have thought it wise to show a little humility.

But with his back to the magistrate as he left the court, he did not bother to hide the smirk.

A short time earlier, he pleaded guilty to charges of failing to stop for a random breath test, driving dangerously and while disqualified – but the possible jail term he faced did not seem to worry him as he flashed the thumbs up sign to The Daily Telegraph.

Heap will lose his license until 2013.

Meanwhile, one Aussie blogger is advocating “shower scene” billboards to dissuade further hoonery…

About Alpine McGregor
Just like you, man. I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase. All in the game, though, right?

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