Fat Ninja is a Laughingstock Even in the Context of Other Ridiculous Wannabe Ninjas

fat ninja

Look out, Bernie Madoff victims! Another master criminal is plying his trade in the lap of luxury that many of you call home!

Police in Palm Beach, Florida are hunting a ninja.

A fat ninja who has yet to successfully pull off a crime!

One might go so far as to call him an anti-ninja. Pot bellies and failed ATM thefts are about the least ninja-like attributes one could imagine. WE are more ninja than this jackass.

Palm Beach County sheriff’s deputies are looking for a would-be thief who seems to think he is a ninja.

The unidentified man, who was dressed in a black ninja outfit with a hood that only shows his eyes, was caught on surveillance cameras trying to steal the ATM machines outside the Colonial Bank at 152 South State Road 7 on Dec. 29 and outside a Walgreens at U.S. 441 and Okeechobee Boulevard on Tuesday.

Sheriff’s spokeswoman Teri Barbera said she did not how the man tried to steal the machines, but that he was unsuccessful in both attempts.

fat ninja 2

The thief may be wearing a ninja outfit, but he does not appear to be of the same physical stature as martial arts legends Bruce Lee or Sonny Chiba. Surveillance footage shows the heavyset man has a noticeable pot belly.

Anyone with information regarding the attempted ATM robberies or can possibly identify this suspect, is asked to contact Detective McCranels at (561) 904-8273 or Crime Stoppers at 1-800-458-TIPS.

First of all, we estimate the over/under on prank calls to Detective McCranels at 50,000. And we’re taking the over.

Secondly, this fat ninja wannabe has nothing on the legendary ninja thief of Staten Island, whose 2007 crime spree made for dozens of hilarious NYC headlines.



Police Commissioner Raymond Kelly said the burglaries appear to be linked to the Ninja Burglar because in one case he had crept through an open door.

“We caution people to lock their doors,” Kelly said. “Keep their windows locked as well.”

The Ninja has hit at least 18 homes since May 20. The last heist before this weekend came on Sept. 21.

“There had been enough publicity, and people were upset,” said Dr. Mohammad Khalid, president of the Iron Hills Civic Association. “He probably thought it wise to stop his activities.”

The suspect has entered through garage doors in the morning and second-story windows and skylights at night, cops said. He wears all-black, including a ski mask, and usually steals cash and jewelry.

In one incident, a resident stabbed the bandit after the intruder smacked him in the collarbone with his ninja sticks.

ninja crimes

Now THAT’S a felonious ninja you can respect! (A serious hat tip to the Daily News on adding the nunchucks to the graphic.)

NYC police ultimately pinned the ninja crime wave on some Albanian guy who was quietly deported (read: sent to a secret CIA prison for torture until he gave up his ninja techniques to interrogators).

We still think U-God had something to do with it. Honestly, does he have anything else going on? Besides making devils cower to the “Caucus Mountains,” of course.

We leave you with the legendary Afroninja. Also way better than Fat Ninja.

About Alpine McGregor
Just like you, man. I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase. All in the game, though, right?

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