TC Thinks Brazilians Speak Spanish

tc scientology

According to an amusing item in today’s PAGE SIX, Tom Cruise just doesn’t understand why the people in Brazil aren’t responding favorably to his attempts to communicate in their mother tongue…

TOM Cruise could use a geography lesson. In Rio de Janeiro hawking “Valkyrie,” Cruise tried to ingratiate himself to reporters by saying hola (hello) and gracias (thanks), not realizing that the language of Brazil is Portuguese, not Spanish.

According to, Cruise also said he fell in love with Brazil watching movies about samba and tango, unaware that tango is an Argentine dance.

Oh, TC…you are so clueless. These sound exactly like the kind of faux pas that would seem unimportant to a dumbass American, but would enrage the typical Brazilian:

“Damn it Cruise!! Our former colonial oppressors were from the little skinny country on the Iberian peninsula, not the big fat one! How dare you confuse our sexy Afro-Latin dance with that Buenos Aires slumdog shuffle!!!”

The item continues with this fascinating nugget:

Cruise, who’s been staying with wife Katie and baby Suri at the Copacabana Palace, took a side trip to the private island of plastic surgeon Dr. Ivo Pitanguy, who has his own landing strip and a menagerie of exotic animals.

It turns out that Dr. Pitanguy doesn’t just have a private island – it’s called Ilha dos Porcos Grande, or Big Pig’s Island – he has a website gallery of the beasts in his animal sanctuary!

pitanguy parrot

Here’s the doctor maxing with his favorite parrot.

various beasts

Peacocks and peahens abound.

big pig

Porco grande – or as Tom Cruise calls it, “El Biggo Piggo.”

Meanwhile, clueless or not, the dude is totally fricking yoked all of a sudden.

cruise jacked

I believe Brendon from WWTDD said it best when he noted, “Aww god dammit. Is everyone in Hollywood on HGH except me? This is bullshit…He’s like a damn underwear model. I just drafted him as a free safety in my fantasy league.”

Perhaps while Suri played with the animals, Dr. Ivo Moreau was shooting TC up with the latest in wild boar hormones…

Sadly, TC’s church is not as incompetent as he when it comes to discerning the cultural differences between South American countries:

scientology brazil

According to a Scientology press release, outreach to Brazilians is a serious effort, and they aren’t just going for the low-hanging fruit on the city streets, they are headed to the Amazon basin to spread some tasty, tasty “tech”!

Life for those who live along the 4000 mile-long Amazon River continues much as it did centuries ago, But the men and women of the region face much the same kinds of problems as the rest of the world–problems at work, with children, conflicts, drugs. And Scientology Volunteer Ministers are traveling through the region bringing help.

At an event commemorating the founding of the International Association of Scientologists, the Church of Scientology International announced a new phase of its volunteer initiative– Scientology Volunteer Ministers Goodwill Tours, launching into the most remote regions on Earth. One of these Scientology Volunteer Ministers “Extreme” Tours is now advancing down the Amazon River, bringing help to people in one of the most isolated regions on Earth.

With few cities or roads along or bridges across the 4000 mile-long length of the Amazon, the only real way to reach the people of the region is by boat, so the Goodwill Tour is traveling down the river on a bright yellow barge.

And where city dwellers might find life very different in a town or village like Leticia, Columbia or Santa Rosa, Peru, people here respond to the help of the Scientology Volunteer Ministers just as they do in Paris, New York or Tokyo.

With courses, seminars and workshops based on the Scientology Handbook (, remarkable successes like those below are expected.

“I’ve learned to express myself easier and with confidence, and to listen to others” said one woman who visited the Scientology Volunteer Ministers, “and I am handling my relationship with my children better through dialog.”

“I completed a course where I learned how to treat my children,” said a mother, who went on to say, “they are people and not robots–they are my children and not a burden.”

“This course made me see the reason why I ended the relationship with my girlfriend,” said a young man who realized the conflicts they had were based on false reports from a 3rd party. “Now I know why and how I can resolve a conflict that comes into my life.”

One man, who lived a day and a half away from the Scientology Volunteer Ministers, traveled by boat to do a course in study technology. When he finished he felt like a new person, had learned something he didn’t think existed, and was thrilled to now have tools to help his sons get through high school.

There are Scientology Volunteer Ministers Goodwill Tours in Latin America, India, South Asia, Africa, the South Pacific, Australia, and Siberia. The tour is manned by volunteers who provide courses, seminars and one-on-one help through technology developed by Scientology Founder, L. Ron Hubbard and contained in the Scientology Handbook.

Don’t know about you, but that press release blew some serious minds around here.

Of course, there are others who say that the Volunteer Ministers are merely evil minions of L. Ron, spreading misinformation throughout the globe:

One of the Scientology cult’s many front operations is called the “Volunteer Ministers.” Scientology delights in relentlessly producing an endless supply of “press releases” extolling the pure, selfless altruism of these heroic humanitarians, who, according to Tom Cruise, are the ONLY ones who REALLY know what to do at the scene of a disaster or emergency. Namely, to deliver “touch assists” (a sort of creepy, inappropriate massage), take down names and addresses, and give out their bizarre “Way to Happiness” pamphlet.


The September 11 attacks were only one opportunity of many that the Vulture Ministers have taken as a means of exploiting the victims of tragedies and disasters, and recruiting new members. Every time there is a natural disaster or school shooting somewhere, the Vultures will appear.

In Russia, after the Beslan school hostage crisis in 2004, the Health Ministry ordered Scientologists out of the area, saying “that various psychological tactics the groups use, including what it called hypnosis, may be harmful not only for adults, but for children that have already suffered severe mental shock.”

In the UK, Vulture Ministers were up to their usual tricks in the aftermath of the 7/7/2005 London bombings, targeting the families of victims and emergency workers. It was reported that the Vulture Ministers had been told to get away from survivors of the bus bombing in Tavistock Square.

In a recorded discussion with an undercover BBC reporter, two top Scientologists admitted that the purpose of the Vulture Ministers was to keep the psychologists and psychiatrists away from the victims and witnesses, and called this “spiritual security.”

After the Virginia Tech massacre in 2007, dozens of Vulture Ministers showed up on the campus. Bulletins to Scientology members said that help had been requested by the university provost, the Salvation Army and the Red Cross, but these organizations denied that any requests had been made.

No matter how much phony, “feel-good,” happy-slappy propaganda Scientology releases about its “Volunteer Ministers,” it doesn’t change the truth about these unskilled, obstructive cultists: Their only goals are to give the impression that Scientology is a benevolent, ordinary religion, and to recruit more paying customers. Fortunately, no matter how many self-congratulatory press releases they write, they are not having much success with either goal.

Maybe, maybe not. They helped that one woman figure out that her children aren’t robots!! That counts for something, you curmudgeon.

After typing this up, our shoulders are feeling a little cramped…who’s got my touch assist??

l ron

About Alpine McGregor
Just like you, man. I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase. All in the game, though, right?

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