Pelosi’s Assbackward Calculus: Field Mice > Fun

Congressional Republicans are quickly realizing that being in the minority isn’t all that bad.

Freed from the responsibility of actually passing legislation, you can snipe and obstruct and throw sabots into the machinery.

One thing that’s great about being in the minority is you can force the majority party to own particularly embarrassing pieces of pork-barrel spending that inevitably find their way into every major bill.

This practice, and the joys of exposing it, have been in evidence during the weeks-long stimulus package debate.

The latest target for GOP scorn?

Nancy Pelosi’s love of the salt marsh harvest mouse!

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The conservative WASHINGTON TIMES is fired up and ready to go:

Talk about a pet project. A tiny mouse with the longtime backing of a political giant may soon reap the benefits of the economic-stimulus package.

Lawmakers and administration officials divulged Wednesday that the $789 billion economic stimulus bill being finalized behind closed doors in Congress includes $30 million for wetlands restoration that the Obama administration intends to spend in the San Francisco Bay Area to protect, among other things, the endangered salt marsh harvest mouse.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi represents the city of San Francisco and has previously championed preserving the mouse’s habitat in the Bay Area.

The revelation immediately became a political football, as Republicans accused Democrats of reneging on a promise to keep so-called earmarks that fund lawmakers’ favorite projects out of the legislation. Democrats, including Mrs. Pelosi, countered that the accusations were fabricated.

[…]

“One of the proudest boasts of Democrats supporting their trillion-dollar spending plan is that it doesn’t contain earmarks. But it seems like powerful Democrats will still find a way to bring home the bacon,” said a frustrated Michael Steel, spokesman for House Minority Leader John A. Boehner, Ohio Republican, who took direct aim at the mouse.

“This certainly doesn’t sound like it will create or save American jobs,” Mr. Steel said. “So can Speaker Pelosi explain exactly how we will improve the American economy by helping the adorable little” critter?

Well, the salt marsh harvest mouse certainly seems like an interesting little beast

It hides during the day and comes out at night, it’s one of the only mammals that drinks salt water, and it can only be found in the salt marshes of the South Bay.

We don’t object to spending money to save this creature per se; however, with stimulus spending under a conservative electron microscope, Speaker Pelosi really needs to pick her spots when it comes to earmarking funds for San Fran.

And it’s our contention that she has really dropped the ball on this one.

Why spend valuable stimulus funds to save a little rodent when there is another cause in the city of San Francisco crying out for federal assistance – one that is far more stimulative than any mouse could ever be!!

How about earmarking funds to save the debaucherous, wild, incredibly fun and SUPER stimulative activity that has traditionally accompanied the Bay to Breakers road race?

Bay to Breakers is the oldest continuously-held road race in the country. A 12k event that began in 1912, it hosts upwards of 100,000 runners each year.

But more importantly, it’s an excuse for wild and crazy San Franciscans to take to the streets, get blasted and throw down!

Crazy floats, public drunkenness, and nudity are the order of the day as a wild parade snakes through the streets following the runners.

An ROTI-affiliated team took to the streets last year and truly represented. To preserve their anonymity, we’ll simply refer to them as “Team I Heart HJ’s.”

Here are some of the still images they captured at the 2008 edition:

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Now if that isn’t a recipe for economic turnaround, I don’t know what is.

You’ve got plenty of drinking – a shot in the arm for the beverage industry. Repurposing of old clothes and furniture for new and revelrous purposes – we call that recycling of the awesomest kind! The infusion of cash into the body paint and feathers industries will provide a much needed boost.

Not to mention the undeniable lift such an event will give to the spirits of citizens beaten down by the economic apocalypse!

And wouldn’t you say that streets lined with empty cans and bottles, discarded float materials, and various post-party detritus are “SHOVEL READY” for the sanitation workers that must pick up all this junk while hosing the pee off the streets?

But because Nancy Pelosi is too busy saving a fricking mouse to notice, Bay to Breakers is cracking down on the party atmosphere.

Like banishing beads and masks from Mardi Gras or removing the red carpet and gold statues from the Academy Awards, the banning of floats, beer and nudity at this year’s Bay to Breakers will take all the fun out of it, many longtime revelers say.

City leaders and sponsors of the 98th annual wacky footrace announced several major changes Wednesday that detractors say will turn the over-the-top, only-in-San Francisco party into a 12K footrace like any other race in any other city in the world.

At the May 17 event, police will cite or arrest anybody openly drinking alcohol or appearing to be drunk, and will physically remove floats and any other items on wheels like shopping carts with kegs in them, officials declared.

People dressed in oversized costumes must run at the back of the pack, walkers must stay to the right while runners stay to the left, and no in-line skates, bicycles or skateboards are allowed. Nudity is not allowed, though police said they aren’t planning to issue citations for indecent exposure.

At least the Elvis costumes can stay.

Gabrielle Harris, a 29-year-old publicist who lives in San Rafael, has run the race three times and called the changes devastating.

“We all kind of leave our hearts in San Francisco, and Bay to Breakers is a huge part of the reason,” she said. “It’s one of the most amusing and unique events I’ve ever experienced.”

Curmudgeonly residents who live along the parade route complain that the participants disrespect their ‘hoods. Community activist Leela Gill griped, “People were vomiting, drinking and throwing trash along the route,” she said. “The Panhandle itself was trashed, and the neighborhood around the Panhandle was trashed. Residents were shocked at the disrespect people showed.

Race organizer Angela Fang said, “We’re still focused on the fun, vitality and unique culture of the race — we’re just removing the alcohol and the hazards. We feel that these changes will enhance the race experience for all involved.

Clueless. As far as we can tell the alcohol and the hazards are the whole damn point!

Some look at this situation and see a need for an authoritarian hand to crack down on these ruffians. ROTI looks at it and sees a huge opportunity for stimulus!

Just think – take a couple of mil out of the mouse budget and dedicate it to saving Bay to Breakers. Hire extra cops to maintain public order, truck in two thousand port-a-potties, hire all the peeps you need to enforce registration, and hire lots of sanitation workers and temporary city employees to whisk away all the mess and damage caused by the melee of fun!

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San Franciscans will flock to the streets, spend tons of money on booze and outfits, get so schnockered they spend even MORE money on munchies and God knows what, and will all go home happy and temporarily distracted from the Greatest Depression.

Meanwhile, MORE San Franciscans – including some unemployed workers given sustenance for the day – will swarm the scene, maintaining order and cleanliness!

It’s a win-win, folks.

This race was begun to raise the city’s spirits after the devastating 1906 earthquake. Now a financial earthquake has struck, and Bay to Breakers is needed more than ever.

Too bad Speaker Pelosi cares more about a danged mouse than she does about stimulating San Francisco’s economy.

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About Alpine McGregor
Just like you, man. I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase. All in the game, though, right?

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