Ziggy, Bodie, Bubs stick up for Phelps

If you ever become a celebrity victim of the drug wars and you need a friend, don’t worry.

The cast of The Wire will stick up for you!

So, Mike Phelps took an Olympic-sized hit from a top-of-the-line Roor bong at a South Carolina frat party.

All hell broke loose after the above picture got out…

The local po-po arrested a bunch of hapless stoners and pumped them for info on Aquaman instead of, you know, asking where they got their drugs from. Not that we’d encourage any investigation of small time drug users in a jurisdiction with several unsolved homicides.

Kellogg’s said “Oh hell no” and pulled his endorsements, which we’re SURE was purely for moral reasons and not a cost-saving measure in light of the economic apocalypse.

Then Phelps had to apologize to China for being one toke over the line!! Sweet Jesus.

Well, Phleppsyboy, everything we’ve seen about you out of the pool indicates that you’re something of a douche. We wish we could find a link to the story about Phelps jealously texting male swimmers that their ladies were hitting it with NBA stars in Beijing, just because said ballers were ignoring him. But we can’t, so trust us…

Anyway, you might feel really alone right now, but you aren’t.

Ziggy Sobotka, Bodie Broadus and Bubbles are on your side, according to NYMag’s VULTURE blog!

Let’s start with these amusing comments from James Ransone, who played troubled dockworker Ziggy in Season 2.

“I am literally shocked that he lost the fucking Kellogg’s endorsement. It’s a fucking cereal. What do you think stoners eat?” said James Ransone, who played hapless dock worker and small-time dealer Ziggy, at a Sports Illustrated party on Wednesday.

Does “literally shocked” mean he stuck his finger in a socket because he was so distraught at the injustice?

“That’s my next tattoo. A portrait of Michael Phelps ripping a bong on my back,” Ransone continued.

“The ultimate irony is that I hate weed because it’s disgusting and awful. The last time I tried to smoke pot I was 22. I watched Boogie Nights and cried myself to sleep while eating Cool Ranch Doritos.”

More comments on the situation were forthcoming from series regular JD Williams, the actor who portrayed Bodie on the show’s first four seasons:

“Do you know how long it takes to smoke from a bong? For them to take that picture, he had to be doing the slowest, longest hit ever!”

(That makes no sense, but whatever.)

Bodie takes hits so fast, he can’t be photographed. Be a man!!!

Williams also thought Phelps shouldn’t have copped to the crime so quickly. “I’m not a big advocate of lying, but he probably could have kept us at bay a little longer,” says Williams. “He could have said, ‘Actually, there was no weed in there. I was just showing everybody, like, how if I was doing it, how I’d put my lips on the bong.’ It would have boiled over. But he just gave it up right away! Like, ‘Yeah there was weed in the bong and I was smoking it. I’m young. It will never happen again.’ You’re 23, homeboy! Trust me, if you’re 23 and smoking weed now, you’re gonna smoke some more.”

We can count on the actor who spent the most time on the show, five-season veteran Andre Royo, to give the most forward-looking, pragmatic outlook. The more time you spend with David Simon, the smarter you become.

André Royo, who played lovable junkie-informant Bubbles, thought Kellogg’s loss was medical marijuana advocates’ gain: “At the end of the day, I think it’s a great advertisement for weed,” said Royo at benefit on Monday for Women’s Expressive Theater.

Bubs looks on the bright side…

“It didn’t slow him down. He broke records! I can see Michael being the face of whatever that marijuana-legalization proposition is in California: ‘You, too, can get eight medals if you smoke a bong.'”

So there you have it!

Coming soon, Herc and Carver defend A-Rod against steroid outrage.

About Alpine McGregor
Just like you, man. I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase. All in the game, though, right?

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