Attention Fellas! Bristol Palin is Single!

Hey dudes, would you like to get with a young lady with the finest Alaskan genes, spawn of an Iron Dog champ and wilderness woman?

Then we have good news for you, because Bristol Palin is single!

Yeah, there’s the whole baby situation – she popped one out after the Vice Presidential bid of her mom, Sarah, went down in flames, then gave it the idiotic name “Tripp.”

And ya know, you might have to deal with her white trash baby daddy, his mom the drug dealer, and whatever else crazy Wasilla mess is going down…

But listen up gents. The most eligible bachelorette in The Last Frontier is available! Don’t miss out on this priceless opportunity to marry into the Palin political dynasty!

We just heard about this breaking news from trusted ally SecretM

A screaming report from STAR magazine tells all:

The teen love affair that rocked last year’s presidential race is over.

Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, has ditched her baby daddy, Levi Johnston!

Now’s Levi’s sister, Mercede is telling all exclusively to Star and the picture she paints of life in Wasilla, Alaska is not a pretty one. Bristol, 18, has virtually cut Levi out of the life of their two-month-old son Tripp.

“Levi tries to visit Tripp every single day, but Bristol makes it nearly impossible. She tells him he can’t take the baby to our house because she doesn’t want him around ‘white trash’!” Bristol won’t even allow him to watch the baby for a few hours — unless he’s babysitting!

The worst part, Mercede continues, is that the former vice presidential candidate supports Bristol’s treatment of Levi, 19. “I used to love Sarah,” Mercede says sadly. “But I’ve lost lots of respect for her.

Can’t imagine what it was about Levi that turned Bristol off.
Could it be the last-name arm tat?

RADAR mag has more from the Star story:

Sarah Palin’s 18-year-old daughter Bristol has reportedly broken off her engagement with Levi Johnston, the father of her 2-month-old son Tripp. It’s surprising because in an interview just last month with FOX’s Gretta Van Susteren, Bristol said the 19-year-old Levi is a hands-on dad and that they planned on marrying after finishing their education.

But in a new interview with Star Magazine, Levi’s sister Mercede Johnston says Bristol actually broke up with Levi more than a month ago, is not attending school and rarely lets her baby daddy see their young son. Mercede also says Bristol even told him that she hates him and, when she learned she was pregnant, wished the baby wasn’t his.

Mercede told Star: “Bristol’s just crazy. That’s the nicest way I can put it. She and Levi actually broke up a while ago!”

Apparently, Levi is also far from being a hands-on dad. Said Mercede: “Levi tries to visit Tripp every single day, but Bristol makes it nearly impossible for him. She tells him he can’t take the baby to our house because she doesn’t want him around ‘white trash.’ She treats him so badly!”

Wonkette quips, “Hey Levi, call your pretend grandpa John McCain and ask why he’s against tattoo-removal programs for American losers.” [pic via]

OF COURSE she is kicking this self-proclaimed redneck to the curb.

Bristol’s prospects are a lot better now that her mother is the hero of America’s hicks and hockey moms.

Although that whiny Meghan McCain claims that her dating life stinks ever since her dad ran for President, we think maybe she’s just too picky or something.

But when your previous beau is an unemployed Wasilla dumbass with a drug dealer mom, there’s nowhere to go but up!

So attention dudes! Simply print this picture out, glue a picture of your face over Sarah Palin’s, and bask in the fantasy of being Bristol’s new man!


i hate you

The Star story that got the ball rolling yesterday morning was a “world exclusive” interview with Johnston’s trouble-making sister Mercede, who told the magazine—in exchange, perhaps, for some Oxycontin pills or whatever other painkillers are commonly used as chattel in Alaska?—that Bristol had cut Johnston out of their son Tripp’s life. “She tells him he can’t take the baby to our house because she doesn’t want him around ‘white trash’!” Mercede told the magazine. (“Yeah, we could name her ‘Mercedes,’ but I think ‘Mercede’ just sounds a little classier,” one of Mercede’s parents once said.) Mercede was the first to warn America of the brewing tension between the Palins and the Johnstons in January, when she posted on her MySpace page that Palin considers Johston to be “white trash” and he newest grandson half-white-trash. She likes to say “white trash.”

In a nugget reserved for the print edition of Star, Mercede claims that Palin sent Johnston a text message reading thusly: “I hate you, and when I found out I was pregnant I wished the baby wasn’t yours.”

Wouldn’t it be fantastic if it weren’t?


About Alpine McGregor
Just like you, man. I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase. All in the game, though, right?

One Response to Attention Fellas! Bristol Palin is Single!

  1. 0whole1 says:

    Good lord, that picture of Mooseburgers, Bristol, and Trigg during the election sure looks like…questionable parenting.

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