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“The Real Telly Tubbies”

chawners

Here’s an enjoyable piece of schadenfreude from the DAILY MAIL:

They have a combined weight of 83 stone and claim £22,000 in taxpayer-funded benefits on the basis they are ‘too fat to work’.

Yet, incredibly, X Factor failure Emma Chawner’s family from Blackburn are demanding more money – because they still can’t afford their calorie-laden lifestyle.

Asked why they don’t simply go on a diet, the jobless Chawner family who are so obese their neighbours call them ‘the telly tubbies’ insist: ‘We don’t have the time.’

It seems that the chubby Chawners are sort of the UK’s version of William Hung – famous for embarrassing themselves at a reality show audition.

Unfortunately, unlike Hung, who has actually done pretty well for himself off his embarrassing rendition of “She Bangs,” things seem to be going from bad to worse for the Chawners.

Their fifteen minutes of fame began when daughter Emma turned in a miserable audition for the UK series X-Factor, featuring Simon Cowell and Sharon Osbourne. The audition has since become infamous in Britain.

Emma Chawner, 17, brings her biggest fans, her mother, father and older sister, to her audition.

The teenager from Ramsbottom, Lancashire, believes she has what it takes because “I’ve been told by my mum and dad that I’m really good.”

Chawner’s mother confesses to the ITV show that they have “literally pushed her and pushed her and got her to sing like a star.

“She’s definitely got the gift,” she says.

Her father made the teenager her own show-stopping outfit which took him two days to sew.

dress

But Chawner’s version of the Celine Dion classic My Heart Will Go On does not impress the judges.

She fluffs her lines halfway through the performance and says she cannot go on.

Cowell says that is “good”, adding: “I’m not a fashion expert but for starters that dress is completely wrong and then you sang out of tune and it sounded like a baby.”

simon

The dejected teenager walks out after the other judges agree with Cowell and Chawner’s family head into the audition room to get an explanation.

A tearful Chawner is left out in the corridor.

But Cowell is in no mood to face the angry parents and cuts them off before they have a chance to speak.

He tells them: “If you are coming in here to give me a hard time then you’ve got to take a good look at yourselves.

“You are the reason why this girl is disappointed and I have to blame you guys for encouraging her to believe she’s going to do well in something when she so obviously isn’t. You have given her false hope.

“People who’ve won a rosette at a donkey derby don’t go on to win the grand national, your daughter cannot sing,” he says.

The X-Factor’s producers cruelly brought Emma back for a second audition the following season, only to see Simon blast her yet again:

Emma, 19, was notoriously rejected from the X Factor last year after singing Celine Dion’s Titanic ‘like a baby’ and wearing a ‘wedding dress’ handmade by her father.

She auditioned again this year and said: ‘I have had singing lessons, my singing teacher said I’m halfway there.’ Simon Cowell disagreed, telling her: ‘Singing is not your future.’

That’s when the family’s real troubles began.

Apparently the Chawners were big fans of loud, horrible singing, blasting music late at night and unleashing obscenity-laced tirades at their neighbors. This led to their eviction last fall from the rental house in which they were residing…

chawners evicted

Last month at Bury County Court Emma, her sister Samantha, 21, and parents Philip, 53, and mother Audrey, 57, were given 28 days to leave the rented house, but said they intended to fight eviction.

They claimed they were being victimised by neighbours because of their size.

They said scratches on their car and front door, including the word fat engraved into their windscreen, are evidence of the bullying.

fat

And they also allege the council has not measured the noise with sound monitors, but has instead relied on the evidence of neighbours.

In court in August last year the family admitted 17 offences of rowdiness.

But today they were planning to spend the night parked up in a motorway service station.

Emma said: “I just feel sick. I can’t believe this is happening.”

There were mixed feeling from neighbours on the street about the family’s departure, with some defending them.

But one neighbour said: ‘It has been going on for years, we just want it over with now.’

Just in case anyone was tempted to feel sorry for the Chawners in the wake of their eviction, the Daily Mail released a hit piece today that, bafflingly enough, seems to have been written with the family’s cooperation:

Both Philip Chawner, 53, and his 57-year-old wife Audrey weigh 24st. Their youngest daughter, Emma, is 5ft 3in and weighs 17st, while her older sister Samantha, 21, is 5ft 9in and weighs 18st.

For those of you not conversant in “stone,” it’s equivalent to 14 pounds. Thus mom and dad check in at a cool 336lb, singing Emma tips the scales at 238, and her sister rings in at 252. All told, that’s over 1100 pounds, or half a ton of Chawnerflesh!

It takes a lot of dedication to rack up those pounds, and the Chawner clan gets it done with utter lack of exercise and a delicious diet:

They haven’t worked in 11 years, claiming their weight is due to a hereditary condition.

Instead, the family spend their days in front of a television borrowed from a friend.

Mr Chawner said: ‘We love TV. It’s on from the moment we get up. Often I’m so tired from watching TV I have to have a nap.’

Yet of their £22,508 a year in tax-free benefits – equivalent to a £30,000 salary – Mr Chawner said: ‘What we get barely covers the bills and puts food on the table. It’s not our fault we can’t work. We deserve more.’

The family claim to spend £50 a week on food, including chocolate, chips and pies, and consume 3,000 calories each a day. The recommended maximum intake is 2,000 for women and 2,500 for men.

‘We have cereal for breakfast, bacon butties for lunch and microwave pies with mashed potato or chips for dinner,’ Mrs Chawner told Closer magazine.

‘We all love nibbling on biscuits. I once bought some pears, but they tasted funny.

‘All that healthy food, like fruit and veg, is too expensive. We’re fat because it’s in our genes. Our whole family is overweight.’

diet
Zero pears are hilariously specified…

Emma, who would like to lose 6st, added: ‘We don’t have time to diet.’

Each week, Mr and Mrs Chawner, who have been married for 23 years, receive £177 in income support and incapacity benefit. Mrs Chawner is paid an extra £330-a-month disability allowance for epilepsy and asthma, both a result of being overweight.

Mr Chawner gets £71 a month after developing Type 2 diabetes because of his size. He was on a waiting list for a gastric band last year, but a heart condition made the operation unsuitable.

Samantha receives £84 in Jobseekers’ Allowance each fortnight while Emma, who is training to be a hairdresser, gets £58 every two weeks under a hardship fund for low-income students.

chawners chill

This all goes to prove that the United States has hardly cornered the market on obesity, indolence, celebutard culture or the joy of mocking losers.

Where there’s a welfare state, reality television and microwaveable foods, chub clans like the Chawners will discover the will to thrive…

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About Alpine McGregor
Just like you, man. I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase. All in the game, though, right?

7 Responses to “The Real Telly Tubbies”

  1. Fifi says:

    “I once bought some pears, but they tasted funny.”

    Srsly. Best quote ever.

    It has been 24 hours since I stumbled upon the Daily Mail piece and I am still mopping up the coffee that I involuntarily snorted out from both nostrils.

  2. Thearchitect says:

    Im a fat lad no doubt abought that(20st). im also on sign for benifits because i messed about at school and college and have no grades or traing and thas my own falt. but i still get up at 6.00am and go to charity shops and volentier/work 35 hours a week i earn my money in my eyes. they ought to do the f*cking same. they put shame on this country. to fat to work to f*cking lazy more like it. they say its in the genes of there family but at least the family will dye out cause no respeting man would bare a child with them ugly f*ckers. my fellings are if your on benifits, volentier at shops earn your money you bunch of lazy c*nts. and you all know im right. and sorry the message is so nasty 😀 (and i would love the family to read this i really would) PEARS ROCK!!!! WOOO

  3. James says:

    As a Brit, it’s great to see our nation so well represented in an arena long thought to be dominated by our American friends. Rule Britannia!

  4. Pingback: Welfare State of Mind « Thoughts on Freedom

  5. Joe says:

    #Thearchitect,

    I wish the world had just 1mil people of your honesty, determination and vision; instead of the oceans full of liers and manipulators! Even your spelling mistakes are authentic but entertaining to read …

    “Im a fat lad no doubt abought that(20st). im also on sign for benifits because i messed about at school and college and have no grades or traing and thas my own falt. but i still get up at 6.00am and go to charity shops and volentier/work 35 hours a week i earn my money in my eyes. they ought to do the f*cking same. they put shame on this country. to fat to work to f*cking lazy more like it. they say its in the genes of there family but at least the family will dye out cause no respeting man would bare a child with them ugly f*ckers. my fellings are if your on benifits, volentier at shops earn your money you bunch of lazy c*nts. and you all know im right. and sorry the message is so nasty 😀 (and i would love the family to read this i really would) PEARS ROCK!!!! WOOO
    Reply

  6. K says:

    In order to claim that they cannot work, they must have satisfied the requirements for Incapacity Benefit and/or Disability Living Allowance, both of which are stringent. IB has now been collapsed into Employment & Support Allowance, which basically classifies people as fit for work (in which case they can collect Job Seeker’s Allowance as long as they can prove they’re actively looking for work), limited fitness for work (ie, could work with specific help and support – think Stephen Hawking, who cannot speak or move, but is able to do astonishing academic work because of his training and area of expertise), or unfit for work (incapable of undertaking any form of employment even with help and support). ESA is a bit of a nightmare, as it doesn’t take the very stringent DLA medical evidence into account, and the definitions are such that more people can be kicked off it than is warranted by medical evidence.

    In short, in order to be able to claim, the family will have had to have their doctors provide evidence that meets the stringent requirements for the benefits they’re receiving. Having helped people fill in these forms and followed the at times Kafka-esque bureaucratic responses, I’m convinced that it’s not easy to get medically-based benefits.

    This article is based on the notoriously fact-free Daily Mail, which specialises in spewing bile, distorting stories out of all recognition, and generally pandering to the meanest, pettiest, most spiteful tendencies of its readers. It peddles myths and downright lies about all manner of people and institutions while bleating on about morality. It is a vile rag.

    Remember: Stories are often more complex than they’re presented as being, and benefits are awarded on evidence rather than personality.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Sorry? epilepsy is not caused by being overweight. It’ s a neurological condition

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