Advertisements

Michael Kinahan’s Id Dies a Green Death

green

From the Quincy (MA) Patriot Ledger comes the tale of a youth soccer coach so fired up, he alienated all the parents of his team and ended up having to resign.

We’re not sure what outraged the girls’ parents – could it have been lines like “While I spent a good Saturday morning listening to the legal liability BS, which included a 30 minute dissertation on how we need to baby the kids…I was disgusted”?

Now the tale is spreading virally through the interwebs, and we hereby present it to you.

SCITUATE — A girls soccer coach who told parents of his 6- and 7-year-old charges that he expected his players to “kick ass” has resigned.

Michael Kinahan says he “meant to give parents a chuckle” but that people took his message on a the team he dubbed “Green Death” the wrong way.

In an e-mail message to parents last week, Kinahan wrote that the girls on his team would “fall, get bumps, bruises and even bleed a little. Big deal, it’s good for them (but I do hope the other team is the one bleeding).

“The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines,” he added.

Kinahan resigned after parents protested to league officials. Other parents have said they support his approach, said Chris Park, the registrar for the Scituate Youth Soccer League.

As DEADSPIN’s Rick Chandler notes, “If George Patton had coached a girls soccer team, he probably would have run things this way; only without so many references to red meat.”

Michael Kinahan’s email, reprinted in full by the Patriot Ledger, is the distilled essence of middle-aged white man id.

Either that, or it was written by a team of George W. Bush’s finest speechwriters while under the influence of crystal meth.

Here are our favorite highlights, at times with some formatting to break out the best elements of Kinahan’s amazing rant:

According to my wife, my emails get too wordy, so for those of you read too slowly, are easily offended, or are too busy, you can stop here. For the others…

OK, here’s the real deal: Team 7 will be called Green Death. We will only acknowledge “Team 7” for scheduling and disciplinary purposes. Green Death has had a long and colorful history, and I fully expect every player and parent to be on board with the team. This is not a team, but a family (some say cult), that you belong to forever. We play fair at all times, but we play tough and physical soccer.

We have some returning players who know the deal; for the others, I only expect 110% at every game and practice. We do not cater to superstars, but prefer the gritty determination of journeymen who bring their lunch pail to work every week, chase every ball and dig in corners like a Michael Vick pit bull. Unless there is an issue concerning the health of my players or inside info on the opposition, you probably don’t need to talk to me.

[…]

Some say soccer at this age is about fun and I completely agree. However, I believe winning is fun and losing is for losers. Ergo, we will strive for the “W” in each game. While we may not win every game (excuse me, I just got a little nauseated) I expect us to fight for every loose ball and play every shift as if it were the finals of the World Cup.

[…]

The political correctness police are not welcome on my sidelines. America’s youth is becoming fat, lazy and non-competitive because competition is viewed as “bad”.I argue that competition is good and is important to the evolution of our species and our survival in what has become an increasingly competitive global economy and dangerous world.

Second place trophies are nothing to be proud of as they serve only as a reminder that you missed your goal; their only useful purpose is as an inspiration to do that next set of reps. Do you go to a job interview and not care about winning? Don’t animals eat what they kill (and yes, someone actually kills the meat we eat too – it isn’t grown in plastic wrap)? And speaking of meat, I expect that the ladies be put on a diet of fish, undercooked red meat and lots of veggies. No junk food.

Protein shakes are encouraged, and while blood doping and HGH use is frowned upon, there is no testing policy.

[…]

These are my views and not necessarily the views of the league (but they should be). I recognize that my school of thought may be an ideological shift from conventional norms. But it is imperative that we all fight the good fight, get involved now and resist the urge to become sweat-xedo-wearing yuppies who sit on the sidelines in their LL Bean chairs sipping mocha-latte-half-caf-chinos while discussing reality TV and home decorating with other feeble-minded folks.

I want to hear cheering, I want to hear encouragement, I want to get the team pumped up at each and every game and know they are playing for something.

Lastly, we are all cognizant of the soft bigotry that expects women and especially little girls, to be dainty and submissive; I wholeheartedly reject such drivel. My overarching goal is develop ladies who are confident and fearless, who will stand up for their beliefs and challenge the status quo. Girls who will kick ass and take names on the field, off the field and throughout their lives. I want these girls to be winners in the game of life.

Who’s with me?

Fuck yeah!!!!!!

Oh wait, no.

Team,

After careful consideration, I have decided to resign from all coaching responsibilities related to Team 7 this season. Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that some parents and the Board of Scituate Soccer failed to see the humor in my pre-season email.

For the avoidance of doubt, the email was largely (albeit not completely) meant in jest and with the goal of giving the parents a chuckle while enduring yet another round of organized youth sports. It was also meant as a satire of those who take youth sports too seriously for the wrong reasons. My overarching goal is the well-being of my players, and I do not want any player to feel uncomfortable, nor do I want to see the team disbanded because of a lack of active players. Therefore, while I’d prefer to go down swinging, it’s really about the kids and it just makes more sense for me to take the year off.

[…]

And while I am sorry some people failed to see the humor, I do not apologize for my actions; I wrote it, I think it’s funny and I do have a distaste for the tediousness of overbearing political correctness. Furthermore, I was serious about parental involvement as I do believe parents should cheer and encourage players (in a positive fashion obviously) so that the kids feel the excitement that comes from team competition. And most importantly, I was completely serious that I want to see each young girl develop a positive self image, self-confidence and the will to succeed in any endeavor that she desires…

This is yet another classic in the annals of the non-apology apology – “I’m sorry that you failed to see the humor.”

Barstool Sports, which claims credit for breaking the story and is pretty butt-hurt that everyone else cites the Ledger’s more coherent account, has nonetheless moved to capitalize on this phenomenon by selling a T-shirt!

greendeathfront

greendeathback1

Aw man, we totally would have bought this if you hadn’t plastered your website name on there.

As the Patriot Ledger notes in a follow up, not everyone was onboard with killing the Green Death.

SCITUATE — The 6- and 7-year-old soccer players on Scituate’s Team 7 will likely never get to cheer for Green Death.

But the team moniker, made famous in a controversial e-mail sent to parents by now-former coach Michael Kinahan, has gotten plenty of attention off the field.

Kinahan, who has coached recreational teams in the town for several years, resigned after several parents and league organizers said they were offended by the e-mail.

But others have questioned the backlash following the comments, which Kinahan said were meant as tongue-in-cheek suburban satire and not entirely serious suggestions.

The e-mail – which suggested players be fed undercooked raw meat for strength and prepared parents to see some blood – has inspired hundreds of articles and blog posts across the country, with many applauding it as an attack on the political correctness that has smothered youth sports in recent years.

Uh…you got a source for that? Has anyone else ever heard about political correctness “smothering” youth sports?

Sorry, but we have a bone to pick with this phrase, which bothers the hell out of us.

“Political correctness” is pretty much code for “I, a middle-aged white man, have noticed that middle-aged white men no longer call all the shots in society and I am OUTRAGED!”

For everyone else, this “Evil” phenomenon is simply known as civilized discourse and the respect for the opinions and sensitivities of others…

This dude didn’t lose his gig because of the PC menace. He lost his gig because his email was way over the top and freaked out the parents who were about to entrust him with their little girls.

Granted, we found it freaking hilarious.

But we weren’t sending our little Emma (or Madison, or Ashley) for tutelage under this madman.

That said, a stern talking-to from the Board might have sufficed.

[…]

Several team parents also circulated e-mails and expressed support for Kinahan, including those who have had him as a coach in previous years.

Christopher Walker, whose daughter played for the team last year, said they received a similar e-mail that most found humorous.

“When you see it, and realize it is in jest, we thought the e-mails were pretty amusing,” Walker said. “His coaching style is one in which he encourages and motivates the girls. The parents never gave him a chance.”

If you, too, feel that Kinahan has been railroaded, there are at least two Facebook groups you can join to support him!

We just want to see him start a blog, and regularly opine on sports and society in general.

The man is some kinda genius.

Advertisements

About Alpine McGregor
Just like you, man. I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase. All in the game, though, right?

2 Responses to Michael Kinahan’s Id Dies a Green Death

  1. Septimus Rex says:

    I’m 1000% percent behind this guy. I may reach out to him to ask if he will do me the pleasure of taking care of my children if my life comes to an untimely end. I can think of no better mentor.

  2. 0whole1 says:

    I have the sneaking suspicion this guy has The Great Santini going on infinite loop on the family Zenith, with all the knobs broke off.

    Well, ok, mebbe Natural Born Killers, too. And Kong smacking the Air Force Around.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: