Granite, Marble, Onyx…Foreclosure

mansion

Gaze upon the stately manse of Teresa Giudice, Real Housewife of New Jersey.

Bravo’s Real Housewives “franchise” is a truly wacky collection of ladies from around the nation, and it seemed impossible back in May that the Jersey girls could outdo legends like crazy NeNe from Atlanta, trampy Gretchen from Orange County, and haughty Countess de Lesseps from NYC in terms of sheer personality and outrageousness.

Yet Teresa and her partners in crime proceeded to deliver one of the most bizarre, compelling, and hilarious reality TV runs in recent memory.

Danielle was a former coke whore and snitch who had phone sex with someone called “Gucci Model!” Caroline’s son Christopher wanted to open up a chain of strip club car washes! Dina’s husband was mysteriously absent and potentially mobbed up! There was also a boring one, but 4/5 is a pretty good track record.

Teresa was arguably the best character on the whole show, with a tiny forehead, three little daughters that she relentlessly stage-mothered, a ridiculous guido husband from the “construction” industry, a fat bankroll of cash, and newly implanted fake “bubbies.”

My favorite, though, was the absurdly large house she built for herself, which she proudly declared was composed of only “granite, marble and onyx.” This nouveau riche masterpiece would have made Louis XIV feel ashamed.

Now, in a startling turn of events, the bank is foreclosing on Teresa Giudice’s mob mansion.

Let’s take a look back at the house – and the woman – that grabbed our attention last spring and made our lives more magical, forever.

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The blog Scented Glossy Magazines did a great job of wrapping its arms around the spectacle that was Teresa and her ambitious plans for her mansion after the premiere:

“My whole house, it has nothing other than marble, onyx and granite.”

YES, there were many more ridiculous things said on the premiere episode of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, but Teresa’s proud statement about her bajillion dollar tacky-ass home just captured the essence of the whole show, an essence that can only be described as vulgar, tasteless, and true to every stereotype we’ve ever heard about north New Jersey.

[…]

Teresa’s husband Joe is in “construction,” and she pays a furniture bill of $120,ooo in CASH. You draw your own conclusions.

Teresa should also be given credit for the most jaw-dropping moment of the show when says she’s building The Palace of Marble, Onyx and Granite because it makes her “shkeeve” to look at other people’s houses. “I don’t want to live in someone else’s house–that’s gross.” Totally! That’s why I demand a brand new toilet every time I have to pee someplace other than my own house.

Despite all of those disparaging comments I just made about her, she is my favorite, and not just because her husband could have me whacked at any moment.

guidice girls

Richard Lawson was a tremendous asset to Gawker before he moved on to TV.com, and he was possibly at his best when discussing RHNJ, which was one of his last assignments before he bailed.

Here’s his amazing meditation on Teresa and her house, in his inimitable style:

Teresa. Ohhhh Teresa. You are my absolute favorite. Your wig might be pulled a little too far down your forehead and you may sweat olive oil, but I can forgive it. Teresa’s story this episode was called “Maybe and Marble.” The ‘Maybe’ part has to do with her three daughters, Limoncello, Aranciata, and Buca di Beppo. Buca is Mommy’s little vicarious cashcow superstar. She sings (I guess?) acts (sort of!) and looks like a nice bite-sized portion of veal parmigiana. Teresa likes to take all three of her daughters shopping at least three times a week, mostly because she likes her entire family to match. What her husband is going to say at “the office” when he shows up in his whimsical Reno Sweeney sailor girl costume, I do not know. But Teresa gets what Teresa wants.

After the three little ones—Shrimpscampi, Beretta, and 8 1/2, screamed and brayed and mommy payed for their little outfits (all in cash! suspicious! Ricooo!), it was time for Teresa to sew her wig to her forehead and head on over to Il Palazzo di Giudice, the marble and onyx clusterfuck of a “French chateau” that Teresa and her mysterious husband are building in some blasted corner of the elbow state. The thing is… absolute insanity. Marble refrigerator. Onyx grass out front. Granite pillowcases. There’s a fourth child, Giancarlo Giannini, who is just built entirely out of those three rocks. Teresa kisses him on the head when she sees him, then has the workmen move him into the closet. The house is supposed to be done in three weeks and ohhhh holy god aren’t you SO EXCITED to see what it looks like? The unveiling episode is going to be spectacular. Teresa will descend the staircase dressed in a gown made entirely of quartz and shreds of the Italian flag. Her mysterious husband will emerge all pixelated from the basement with three goombas dressed in suits made entirely of shark. The showbiz daughter, Mama Celeste, will be launched into the heavens by a fireworks canon. When everyone is standing around drinking room-temperature Pinot Grigio and chilled Chianti, suddenly there will be a great rumble and moan. The earth with tremble and people will fall to the ground. Then a great cracking will be heard and the house will disappear. It was too heavy! It’s fallen through the Earth and is now sitting ass-up in China somewhere.

So everyone will shuffle off in their Cadillacs and Teresa will just stand there, itching her wig line. “C’mon babe, we gotta go,” her antsy husband will say. “Just one sec,” Teresa will say dejectedly, staring at the gaping hole in the ground. After a short while there will be a whistle and a whine and then a thwump. Teresa just had to wait to catch her baby Barilla as she tumbled out of the sky.

Enough talk. Let’s see some photos of this tack-sterpiece, courtesy of Homes of the Rich!

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It’s quite possibly the most hideous home I’ve ever seen.

That analysis includes the flooded out ruins in New Orleans’ Lower 9th Ward.

And now, according to Radar Online, it belongs to the bank.

Teresa Giudice has gotten herself in some financial hot water, and it looks like the New Jersey born and raised housewife could soon be losing her dream home.

DLJ Mortgage Capital Inc have filed papers with the Superior Court of New Jersey to repossess the house that Giudice owns with her husband Joe.

Michael K from Dlisted quips,I thought that Teresa and her husband only paid with cash. I was under the impression that their gaudy house of tackiness was paid for with blood money and threats. I have to say that I’m a little disappointed, because he’s not the crime boss I thought he was. Sad midget mobster is sad.

But don’t worry, Teresa and her Planet of the Apes forehead will be fine. If she gets kicked out, she can always go live in the gorilla exhibit at the nearest zoo. I’m sure they will give her a table to flip so she’ll feel right at home.

Maybe if you all support Teresa by clicking through to her personal website right now, and splurging like a Mafia princess with a fat wad of cash, we can save her granite, marble and onyx masterpiece.

After all, who wouldn’t want items like the “Milania Fantasy Bracelet,” “Baby Safari Print Clippies,” or, best of all, a line of T-shirts built around Joe and T’s inane sayings?

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Now, run along and start buying things. SAVE CASTLE GUIDICE!

As for me, I’m saving my money to buy one of Christopher Manzo’s strip club/car wash franchises.

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About Alpine McGregor
Just like you, man. I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase. All in the game, though, right?

2 Responses to Granite, Marble, Onyx…Foreclosure

  1. Tony Orlando says:

    Just wanted to say HI. I found your blog a few days ago on Technorati and have been reading it over the past few days.

  2. 0whole1 says:

    Didn’t I see her place featured over on Lovely Listing at some point?
    http://lovelylisting.com/2009/10/a-mans-home-is-his-oh.html

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