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MTV’s “Jersey Shore” Is Pure Magnificence

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After the reality masterpiece that was Bravo’s Real Housewives of New Jersey, it was clear that the Italian-American communities of the Garden State were fertile ground for future documentary exploration.

In other words, New Jersey is filled with Neapolitan jackasses only too willing to demonstrate their idiocies in front of reality-TV cameras.

Now MTV has stepped up, bringing us “Jersey Shore,” the story of eight strangers…of Italian descent and questionable taste…picked to live in a house in Seaside Heights for the summer…and have their lives taped…to find out what happens when GUIDOS AND GUIDETTES GO WILD!!!

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The two-hour premiere was last night, and it was simply tremendous.

While we may be in for a cold, snowy winter, there’s little doubt that the summertime exploits of the Jersey Shore crew should keep us toasty warm around our campfire of judgment and schadenfreude.

These unabashed guidos and guidettes (I’m not even insulting them, this is their self-professed identity) took the house by storm in their first few days down the shore…

It wasn’t long before girls were cheating on their boyfriends, guys were fighting over fly honeys, lightweights were puking all over the place, the T-shirt store guy who employs them was blowing a gasket at their lack of work ethic, and the girls in the house were angrily feuding with the “whores” that the guys lured in from the boardwalk.

When you bring together the most stereotypically ridiculous fools from the Tri-State area to a summit meeting of this magnitude, hilarity is the inevitable result.

Allow me to introduce you to the gentlemen and women who are sure to entertain us in the weeks to come:

mike/paulie

Mike aka “The Situation” and DJ Pauly D

These two fellas are 100% reality gold.

I don’t think I personally know any man who puts as much care into his hairdo as DJ Pauly D. He likes to call himself “Your girlfriend’s favorite DJ,” and while he hails from faraway Rhode Island, he definitely represents the cream of the Jersey Shore guido crop. Watching him load armfuls of his favorite hair products into his car for the trip south was a joyous experience. After all, when you style your hair twice daily and “it always looks perfect,” you cannot be messing around.

Pauly keeps a tanning bed in his house for the optimal ultra-tanned look at all times. (Seriously, MTV, major props on your casting for this show.)

Then there’s Mike, or as he likes to be known, “the Situation.” Why? Because his abs are so awesome, they’re a Situation unto themselves.

Mike is a perfect cocktail of lady-loving braggadocio and complete crazed insecurity. He’s a smooth talker who projects a lot of confidence, epitomized by his first shift at the t-shirt shop. Mike is a boisterous salesman, and convinces droves of females to buy pink booty shorts with “I Love The Situation” embroidered on the rear.

bootyshorts

Meanwhile, his salesmanship clearly impresses housemate Sammy, who looks on in admiration and awe. Not long afterwards, they lock lips at Club Bamboo…

However, Sammy is quickly tempted away by the muscular charms of housemate Ronnie, which sends the Situation into a manic, vengeful frenzy. He quickly blows any chance he might have had with Sammy by descending into a death spiral of butt-hurt accusations and bluster.

He’s so pissed off, he gets into a meaningless fight with another patron at the club, who he accuses of “looking at him.” Mike blows a kiss to this gentleman, which starts a scuffle. All of a sudden, DJ Pauly D comes out of nowhere and punches the offending-eyed varmint right in the kisser with a right cross!

That’s how boyz do, yo! Represent!

Good God, this is gonna make for an awesome season.

jenny

Jenny aka J-WOWW

This 23-year-old party girl from Franklin Square, Long Island shows up to the house with a boyfriend, but it doesn’t take long for her to be seduced by the charms of DJ Pauly D.

While out at the club in one of her many tittay-ball-exposing outfits, she starts humping up on Pauly and demanding that he look at no other girls but her. Later, she flees back to the house out of a desire to avoid cheating.

(A) Too late, J-WOWW…I think it qualified as cheating when you checked out Pauly’s pierced penis; and (B) I agree with Pauly’s assessment about the lifespan of that relationship…it’s not gonna be long before J-WOWW is back on the market again.

jwoww

There was a particularly awesome moment in the Pauly-and-J-Woww-make-out scene where you could clearly see him thinking about grabbing her boob, before deciding to go for a face-caress instead. Nice move…she’s obviously the kind of girl who likes to take it slow.

Wait, no she isn’t!

With her ridiculous hair, skanky outfits, and evident promiscuity, Jenny is going to be a major asset to this television program.

angelina

Angelina

Every great reality TV show needs a raging bee-yotch on board, and Angelina from Staten Island fits the bill. Her backstory: she grew up on the crime side, the New York Times side, staying alive was no jive. At second hand, moms bounced on old man, so then they moved to Shaolin land…

Oh wait, that was Raekwon the Chef. My bad, I always get those two confused.

Angelina has a boyfriend at home, so she won’t be messing around with anyone down the shore…oh, except for some burly cro-mag who she fooled around with the first night, but she later claims that she was completely black out drunk and doesn’t remember a thing. Suuure. Meanwhile, her boyfriend is in business meetings and won’t take her calls. This is a surefire recipe for an outside-the-relationship rogering. Stay tuned on that front…

Angelina has obviously never worked a day in her life and is a serious liability down at the t-shirt stand. This raises the question, why does MTV always hire a cast of twits and then force them to do some kind of job that they don’t have the work ethic and qualifications to handle? Moreover, why does MTV think this makes for compelling television? Just supply these idiots with booze and let them do the rest. I really don’t care about the day job.

I adamantly refuse to refer to this girl as “Jolie,” but apparently that’s what the girls in the house are calling her…

Finally, Angelina spent most of the first episode on a mission to “cock block” (her words) all of her male housemates. Don’t even think of bringing a Jersey Shore skank up into Angie’s crib, she will put that ho on blast so quick it’ll make your head spin.

sammy/ronnie

Sammy and Ronnie
(pictured with The Situation)

You have to love Sammy Sweetheart, the only true Jersey Girl on this program.

Although she fronts like a nice girl extraordinaire, it doesn’t take long for Sammy to cook up an epic love triangle to start the show off right. She’s vibing with The Situation right away, they have mad chemistry at work and they hold hands on the boardwalk. But after Situation skanks out with some boardwalk hoes, she starts playing hard to get.

When she hooks up with Ronnie, sparking the aforementioned Situational meltdown, Sammy justifiably rebukes the Situation…but we have to wonder what tricks will be up the Sweetheart’s sleeve in the future.

As for Ronnie, this dude is hilarious. He takes off his shirt every chance he gets and styles his hair into a ridiculous fauxhawk. Representing the Boogie Down Bronx, he loves to brawl.

Gawker has already accused him of gayface, but the MTV website intimates he’ll find love down the shore.

I, for one, intend to stay tuned and find out.

vinnie/snookie

Vinnie and Oompa Loompa

Vinnie is the least interesting dude in this house, but he makes up for it with his fair share of shenanigans and ridiculous behavior. I would have loved to see more footage of him with his mom back on Staten Island (three cast members are from the Forgotten Borough)…he is clearly the ultimate mama’s boy, and we see his rotund mother serve him up some lasagna, lay a fat kiss on his cheek and weep as he departs for the Shore.

His trademark move is his maniacal fist pump…a montage of Vinnie in action has to be seen to be believed.


This amazing piece of work courtesy fourfour

He’s also the first (but assuredly not the last) housemate to contract a contagious disease: pinkeye. Whether it was from letting a chubby 40-year-old shake her junk in his face at the club or from carousing with panty-less hoes in the hot tub, Vinnie got some shit up in his eye and started his job off on the wrong foot, missing his first shift to go to the doctor for treatment.

But after slapping his ridiculous white shades on, he was soon back in action on the dance floor, fist pumping like there was no tomorrow.

This brings us to the eighth and final housemate…Nicole aka Snookie aka “Snickers or whatever.” Or as I like to call her, Oompa Loompa.

This hideous specimen considers herself the prototypical Guidette. Watching her act a fool down the shore was like watching an epic car crash. Just try to look away from the horror!


Oompa Loompa got wasted immediately, and then started smashing her fake-brown self against all the homies in the hot tub. They were understandably appalled and all tried to push her away. She passed out on the rooftop hammock, and when she woke up, all her housemates had left to go clubbin’.

Oompa, heartbroken, immediately made plans to go home, but her dad talked her out of it. Later, she heard Angelina denouncing some boardwalk girls that invaded her house and hot tubbed with the guys, and Oompa took it all personally. She started to pack her bags, but again, the housemates talked her out of it. Sammy Sweetheart offered to be her friend if she, like, REALLY needed one (I think this Sammy doth protest too much about her Sweetheart-dom. Secret bitch alert).

Oompa then rallied for her first night out. She got wicked pissah again and started humping her tiny humps on any dude that would give her the time of day. After trying and failing to steal a much hotter girl’s man, she finally found a victim…a weird Chris Kattan alike who was only too willing to accompany her back to the house.

Despite their protestations, the housemates all clearly hate Oompa and shied away from her and her weirdo boy toy. They went up on the roof to watch the sunrise, when he grew groggy and distant. Oompa was pissed because she thought she was gonna get some action.

She tried to rustle Kattan with her breastises, but this only caused him to boot all over the place. Epic!

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Scenes from the Season was incredibly promising.

It looks like this posse will be all Eskimo brothers and sisters by the time the summer is over.

There are tons of fights and people punching each other. Somewhat disturbingly, some random dude will also punch Oompa Loompa in the face, which is really not called for, no matter how ugly she is.

Most of the guys are fast approaching 30, but act like overgrown teenagers; the girls are junior-college age, though something tells me they are not exactly cut out for academe. Yet somehow, the girls (with the obvious exception of Oompa) seem far more mature and self-possessed than their flexing, greasy-haired counterparts…

Some say this show is racist against Italians. I disagree, but I believe The Situation delivered the most stirring rebuttal possible, so allow me to yield the floor:

I just happen to be 100 percent Italian, I happen to be in very good shape and my hair happens to be spiky… It’s not necessarily a stereotype; it’s just how it is… I know I didn’t hold back and I’m not too worried about what people think. When I look in the mirror I feel good.

Amen, Situation. When I watch this show, I feel good. You will too.

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About Alpine McGregor
Just like you, man. I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase. All in the game, though, right?

One Response to MTV’s “Jersey Shore” Is Pure Magnificence

  1. 0whole1 says:

    IROC + neon undercarriage = comedy gold.

    As an aside, I once dated someone named Angela who ended up marrying a dude named Angelo.

    That wasn’t as funny as it sounded in my head. Oh, well.

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