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John Edwards: Son of a Millworker, Father of a Sex Tape

John Edwards has been on a downward spiral for some time now. While he once seemed like the dictionary definition of a rising political star — Senator from North Carolina, 2004 Democratic Vice Presidential nominee — he is now the biggest joke in the history of smooth-talking politicians.

His attempts to become president, then vice president, then president again, ended in total defeat. His good looks and charm were turned against him and his haircut expenses became a national punchline. He got busted cheating on his cancer-stricken wife. He planted a love child in the womb of a wacky New Age video vixen and tried to get one of his sycophantic aides to take the fall. He tried to negotiate for a Cabinet post and Obama laughed in his face.

Now for the ultimate dishonor: John Edwards reportedly made a sex tape!

The story of John Edwards’ descent into total ignominy is a Vegas buffet of schadenfreude delight. What’s more, while the major media hubs completely dropped the ball on this story until it was basically undeniable, the National Enquirer was all over the story from day one. Frankly, they deserve a Pulitzer Prize for unmasking Edwards as a gross, sleazy fraud who came disturbingly close to holding a top position of power in American government.

It all started when Dick Cheney whipped his ass in their vice-presidential debate. Although Edwards was allegedly some hotshot trial lawyer, he managed to land just a few jabs against the widely-loathed VP before being pummeled to the mat and TKOed like a true Glass Joe. Even though many people disagreed with the policy positions that Cheney was defending, it didn’t matter, because he demolished Edwards’ silly arguments, leaving the slick Southerner yelping about the irrelevant issue of Cheney’s vote against MLK Day. For most of us, this was the first inkling that John Edwards wasn’t all he claimed to be.

After Kerry and Edwards lost an incredibly winnable campaign against the unpopular GWB, Edwards was undaunted. It must have been the fault of that windsurfing Francophile flipflopper, not him! So he went around building houses for Katrina victims and talking about “Two Americas” like a real Jimmy Carter. Edwards was going to run for president again, and this time he was gonna win…not even his wife’s Elizabeth’s breast cancer could take him off the path to save Americans from injustice and inequality.

That’s when he met a floozy named Rielle Hunter.

The explosive 2008-scandal tome “Game Change” (guilty pleasure excerpt via NYMAG) relays this version of their first encounter, seen through the eyes of now-disillusioned aide Josh Brumberger:

“My friends insist you’re John Edwards,” Rielle Hunter said. “I tell them no way—you’re way too handsome.”

“No, ma’am. I’m John Edwards,” the candidate replied.

“No way! I don’t believe you!”

Brumberger saw this kind of thing all the time. Women were always hitting on his boss. He and Edwards had a well-oiled system in place for dealing with these situations tactfully and politely.

“He is John Edwards,” Brumberger interjected, “and I’m sorry, but we’re in the middle of something. Thank you.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Hunter said, and retreated to her table.

Brumberger thought that she was trouble from the get-go. She looked like a hybrid of Stevie Nicks and Lucinda Williams, in an outfit more suitable for a Grateful Dead concert than an evening at the Regency.

A few minutes later, after Edwards departed for a dinner around the corner, Hunter came back over to Brumberger and started quizzing him about his job. “I think I can help you guys,” she said, and handed him her business card.

The inscription read, BEING IS FREE: RIELLE HUNTER—TRUTH SEEKER.

Despite his campaign staff’s growing horror, Edwards soon hired Rielle Hunter to make campaign videos about “the REAL John Edwards.”

She was eminently qualified to do this work because…well, no real reason, but we can only surmise it was due to her vast experience in media, as exemplified by her appearance on the Chuck Woolery game show LINGO.

As soon as the campaign team saw the videos that Hunter was making, they knew that the candidate was thinking with his dong, not his mindbrain…

For Baldick, the alarm bells had already started ringing when he got a look at the first webisode produced by Hunter. It was filled with so much flirty banter and overfamiliarity between her and Edwards that it made Baldick cringe. When he and his wife watched it at home in bed on Baldick’s laptop, she turned to him at once and said, Oh, my God! He’s fucking her!

The campaign staff, with the assistance of an increasingly suspicious Elizabeth Edwards, finally managed to run Hunter out of town, but not before she conceived a love child with the candidate.

At first, l’affaire Rielle was just a sidelight to the fading fortunes of the Edwards campaign. Obama rose to take the not-Hillary role he’d imagined filling, and he was left a distant third place.

As Edwards’ presidential hopes faded, the National Enquirer struck…

Nobody believed it, because it was being reported by the National Enquirer, but the story was 100% true.

Meanwhile, inside the Edwards campaign, the decision was made to pin the pregnancy on the pathetic Andrew Young, who worshiped the candidate and was tasked with whisking him around from campaign stop to campaign stop. The fact that everyone basically knew who the baby daddy was didn’t stop them from shamelessly pushing the Young angle. Edwards feigned outrage at the Enquirer’s claims, and tried to keep the wool pulled over his wife’s eyes…

Team Edwards had known that the Enquirer story was coming for some time. Fred Baron, John’s friend and finance chair, had scrambled to coordinate statements from lawyers for the candidate and Hunter denying John’s paternity, which the piece included. It also introduced a new character to the drama: Edwards’s longtime personal aide, Andrew Young, who was asserting that he was the father. The details in the article around Young’s involvement were as squirrelly as could be…the story noted, “Some insiders wonder whether Young’s paternity claim is simply a cover-up to protect his longtime pal Edwards.”

[…]

Edwards denounced the Enquirer piece vehemently to his staff. On the campaign bus, he railed at the tabloid: “How could they fucking say this? How could they do this to me? How could they do this to Elizabeth?”

Some Edwards aides believed John’s denials, thought the story was too far out to be true. But others decided to stop spinning the candidate’s disavowals to the media, so certain were they that their boss was lying. Too many of them knew that Young had talked openly about having had a vasectomy a few years back.


Please Barack, hook a brother up

The denouement of Edwards’ presidential campaign was simply laughable. Knowing he had no chance to win, he tried to peddle an endorsement to Obama or Hillary in exchange for the vice-presidential spot or a plum Cabinet post. Not surprisingly, this effort yielded little fruit. Obama reportedly said that if he was willing to cut a Cabinet-spot deal with Edwards in exchange for backing him, he didn’t deserve to be president.

Edwards ended up endorsing Obama in exchange for a speaking slot at the convention, which was later yanked away from him for making such a joke out of himself.

The National Enquirer kept up the pressure…splashing a picture of Edwards holding Hunter’s baby across its pages, trumpeting the results of a “secret DNA test,” and exposing Edwards for additional roguish deeds.

In August 2008, John Edwards admitted that he boned Rielle Hunter.

But despite declaring honesty time, he lied about being the pepaw of little Frances Quinn Hunter to ABC’s Bob Woodruff!

It wasn’t until last week that he finally confessed to seeding the truth-seeker’s womb.

It turns out that fooling the American people wasn’t as easy as John Edwards thought it was, and he blubbered, “It was wrong for me ever to deny she was my daughter and hopefully one day, when she understands, she will forgive me.”

But just when it seemed that the embarrassment was finally coming to an end, would-be patsy Andrew Young went animal-style on the Edwards legacy.

Elizabeth Edwards unwisely dissed Young in her book “Resilience,” writing that he was just as bad as Rielle Hunter — two sleazeballs who wanted nothing more than to soak up that Edwards goodness.

Young’s friends say…he decided that the Edwards would never set the record straight after he read Elizabeth Edwards’s description of him as a “pathetic,” grasping male mirror image of Hunter.

“They look at our lives, which from the outside, in particular, are pictures of joy and plenty, and they want it for themselves,” she wrote of Hunter and Young in “Resilience.”

“I think he wouldn’t have [decided to write his book] unless he felt just absolutely heartbroken and betrayed, which is the sentiment I get from him when I talk to him,” said Young’s friend Toben. “It took a lot, and probably Elizabeth’s book was the final stimulus for that decision.”

You’d think that Andrew Young wouldn’t have much to offer beyond, “Yeah, it’s bullshit, Edwards boned that lady, not me.” Since everyone already knows that, who cares what he has to say, right?

Well, what if he told you he found an unmarked DVD while poking around one day…and on that DVD was John Edwards getting his Rick Salomon on with Rielle?!

Take it away, Gawker!

Sources have told us that, in the throes of their affair, John Edwards and Rielle Hunter made a sex tape that contains “several sex acts.” And that his aide, Andrew Young found it on an unmarked DVD.

The tape, say both our sources, is explicit and reveals that Edwards “is physically very striking, in a certain area. Everyone who sees it says ‘whoa’. She’s behind the camera at first.”

When rumors of the affair first broke Young was so loyal to Edwards that he pretended that he was the father of Hunter’s daughter Frances Quinn, now 2. But part of Young’s disillusionment with the 2004 vice presidential candidate and 2008 candidate came one day as he went through a stack of DVDs at Rielle Hunter’s house.

It was this betrayal that prompted Young to write his tell-all book, The Politician.

Politico gleefully piles on:

Young, with all the fury of a spurned lover, may be holding out yet another threat to his old idol, if it comes to that: an explicit videotape, two people who have seen it said, of Edwards and Hunter together.

“It’s his hole card,” said the source.

Young’s friends said they had no knowledge of the tape, which is reportedly described in his book proposal. But Young has not, to date, sold it. And another person close to Young described his motives in, reluctantly, writing the book:

“The question I would ask everybody is ‘What the hell alternative do I have’?” the person quoted Young saying. “Are you just supposed to be kicked mercilessly and never say anything yourself?”

How far we’ve come since 2004. John Edwards, once a respected presidential prospect, is now being accused of gruesome sextapery.

It’s definitely not the first time a Democratic superstar has been busted fiddling and faddling with comely help — LBJ getting busted by Lady Bird while screwing a secretary in the Oval Office comes to mind, to say nothing of Bill Clinton’s cigar chicanery — but there are several aspects that make this particular case especially gross. Elizabeth Edwards’ cancer, for one. The absurd attempt to trick the American people into thinking another man was responsible for his misdeeds. The sex tape reports, which simply boggle the mind.

Finally, there’s the ad hominem attacks against the National Enquirer, which was on the money from the beginning and never let up until Edwards’ ass was nailed to the wall.

Gawker has started a Pulitzer Prize campaign for the Enquirer, rightly noting that “If the Washington Post, or the New Orleans Times-Picayune or any paper really, had broken a story of this magnitude their Pulitzer nod would barely be in doubt. Edwards called the Enquirer, while trying to disparage its claims he was cheating and had fathered a child “tabloid trash.” That stigma is the only reason its investigative reporters will not be considered.”

Politicians, if you want to bone skanks, we don’t really care — as long as you aren’t known for public moralizing or selling yourself as a family man. But when a publication completely busts you, don’t lie to us.

And whatever you do…don’t make a sex tape.

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About Alpine McGregor
Just like you, man. I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase. All in the game, though, right?

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