CPAC Was Awesome This Year

Every year, the nation’s staunchest conservatives gather together for a conference that joyously promotes the values of old white dudes and the women who love them.

It’s called CPAC, the Conservative Political Action Conference. News from CPAC dominated the political wires last week, as one right-wing luminary after another held forth on our nation’s inalienable rights and the evils of the Obama/Reid/Pelosi triumvirate of doom.

Dick Cheney was there, snarling at all the harm that’s been done to national security since Obama took office…well, actually, since GWB stopped obeying his commands sometime during the second term. Marco Rubio, preferred conservative candidate for Senator from Florida, lit up the stage with some fiery Nobama rhetoric. The Massachusetts moderates, Mitt Romney and Scott Brown, were there looking like the fashion magazine studs that they are. The irrepressible Newt Gingrich gave a great speech, wowing attendees with his intellect and political chops.

My personal favorite of the headliners was Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty, who hoped to burnish his 2012 presidential chances with a speech outlining his principles. Principle Number One: “God is in charge.” Yeah, take that, heathen Deists who wrote the Constitution! Jesus for the win!

Then there were the wackier speechgivers: crazy Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann, unhinged Internet troll Andrew Breitbart, terrifically honest but demonstrably bigoted Rep. Ron Paul, and former Senator Rick Santorum, who thinks gay rights are a slippery slope to man-on-dog loving.

And who could forget the inimitable Glenn Beck, who closed down the conference by hammering, of all things, the Republican Party?

But despite all these big names and highly-publicized moments, the greatest parts of CPAC were mostly under-the-radar. As Salon’s Gabriel Winant put it, “It’s only when you look beyond the headliners that CPAC starts to get fun.”

There was the conservative rapper who represents for Sean Hannity, a presentation called “Abraham Lincoln: Friend or Foe?”, and perhaps best of all, a speech by a self-described “rabid heterosexual.”

Yup, CPAC was awesome this year.

Ron Paul: honest on foreign policy, wicked off base with his views on race

As a bit of an introduction, let’s get a conservative take from Mickey Edwards, a founding trustee of the Heritage Foundation who chaired CPAC for five years:

I was asked yesterday whether I would be going to CPAC, the annual Conservative Political Action Conference, which is currently being held a half-hour’s walk from my office in DC…

But the answer to yesterday’s question was “no.” No, I’m not going to CPAC. And, truth be told, most of the folks there wouldn’t want me there…I don’t begrudge these activists their views and they are entitled to use the term “conservative” to describe themselves if they so choose. But the views many of them profess have little in common with the distinctly American kind of conservatism that gave birth to CPAC and the modern American conservative movement.


Today there are few things that set a “conservative’s” teeth on edge more than a defense of “civil liberties;” yet that is what American conservatism was all about–protecting the liberties of the people. It was a system designed to protect the people from an over-reaching government, not to protect the government from the people. American constitutionalism was a historical high-point in recognizing individual worth. Stop at CPAC today and you will find rooms full of ardent, zealous, fervent young men and women who believe the government should be allowed to torture (we condemned people at Nuremberg for doing that), who believe the government should be able to lock people up without charges and hold them indefinitely (something Henry VIII agreed was a proper exercise of government authority). Who believe the government should be able to read a citizen’s mail and listen in on a citizen’s phone calls, all without a warrant (the Constitution of course prohibits searches without a warrant, but nobody cares less about the Constitution than some of today’s ersatz conservatives).

CPAC, ya burnt! Not exactly the ringing endorsement you’d expect from someone with Edwards’ conservative credentials.

In fact, CPAC is less of a serious gathering of citizens committed to conservative principles than it is a morning zoo of Fox News types, all jockeying for the “Most Wacky” ribbon.

As Ezra Klein put it, it’s the right wing’s chance to “let slip the dogs of tea!”

For instance, Christina Bellantoni brings us the tale of Hi Caliber, the purveyor of our nation’s finest conservative hip hop flows:

Don’t call Hi Caliber a Republican rapper.

He prefers conservative hip hop artist, and has lent his rhyme to the tea party movement.

Cal, who wouldn’t give his full name because he says he’s been threatened by “liberals,” starred in a FreedomWorks-produced video called “Patriotic People.”

He rhymes: “Politicians need the truth, it will set you free, and I hope you paid attention to the march on D.C. …Liberalism is like a cancerous tumor, just look at Harry Reid, Pelosi and Chuck Schumer.”

The article also contains some more of Hi Caliber’s tight lyrical genius:

I’ve been called a wigger, a cracker, a poet, a rapper, a racist,
but to me race is not a factor…
Don’t care if you’re white like Snow or much blacker —
all I want to hear is the sound of my children’s laughter.
And guess what, they are racially mixed!
So you could call me a bigot, I’ll call you a hypocrite!
I’ve been arrested for being white and hanging with blacks,
I’ve been robbed by brothers for being white and that’s a fact!

Eat your heart out, J.J. Redick!

Hi Caliber drops lyrical flows for those who think Pelosi’s a ho.

Hi Caliber was slated to perform a conservative hip hop throwdown at CPAC, but unfortunately, “the crowd disbanded early,” to the everlasting chagrin of those who love both Sean Hannity and right-wing hip hop insanity.

Dr. Thomas DiLorenzo held forth at CPAC on the topic of Abraham Lincoln, a historical figure regarded by the majority of historians as America’s greatest president, and venerated by Republicans as the party’s foremost founding father and by Democrats as a heroically progressive statesman.

So naturally, DiLorenzo threw down on Lincoln as a proto-Stalin!

The Lincoln Memorial is a temple to the idea that government in America is not voluntary, and never will be as long as Lincoln is its primary symbol and as long as Lincoln mythology remains the state’s cornerstone ideology. Lincoln micromanaged the murder of some 350,000 fellow Americans, including more than 50,000 civilians, in order to “prove” his point that the central government is indeed not voluntary, the states were never sovereign (so he said), and that any group of citizens who contemplate leaving it will be killed en masse, their cities and towns burned to the ground, and their wealth and personal belongings confiscated by the U.S. Army. If we standardize for today’s population, Lincoln’s killing machine would lead to the death of more than 6 million Americans.

To me, it sounds like how Soviet Russia was “united” in its own “glorious union.” Do these men really believe that Southerners in 1866 felt “united” with their fellow citizens in the North?


Lincoln is praised by “Lincoln scholars” for having been an obsessive micromanager of the war. He knew everything. He knew that Southern civilians were murdered and plundered from the very beginning, even before the Battle of First Manassas commenced. He authorized the bombing of Southern cities and he was also apparently obsessed with experimenting with larger and larger weapons of mass destruction – to be used on fellow Americans. He profusely thanked and rewarded officers like Sherman and Sheridan for waging war on civilians, as they did during Sherman’s March, the burning of Atlanta and Columbia, South Carolina, and the burning of the Shenandoah Valley. General Sherman wrote that Lincoln “especially enjoyed” his stories of how Southern women, children and old men were terrorized by Sherman’s “bummers,” as his looting, pillaging, plundering, and raping “soldiers” were called.

That is tremendous. Jubal Early is cheering boisterously from his grave. Bringing WMDs into it was a masterstroke.

I completely disagree with DiLorenzo’s argument in every way, but I will defend to the death his right to be a complete jackass and make an utter fool of himself.

That’s why they call it America, Man!

Sherman’s economic destruction = the al Qaeda of the 19th century

One of the greatest heroes of CPAC 2010 was Doug Giles, a true genius who was first brought to my attention by ROTI operatives C. Dave and Nils Coq au Vin.

He’s an inspirational speaker and writer who preaches against the malign forces of gaiety, feminism and liberalism, also known as the wickednesses that are squashing America’s greatness. Can I get an amen from the old, straight white dudes and their docile wives??

Here’s a sample of his published work:

If metrosexual pop culture, feminized public schools and the effeminate branches of evanjellycalism lay their sissy hands on him, you can kiss his masculinity good-bye—because they will morph him into a dandy.

To counter the organized hatred of men and masculinity that your son is facing, it’s important that you, the parent, completely blow off all the smack our PC-addled culture is trying to sell you. You’ll need two things to do this: attitude and inspiration.

Giles provides the attitude while looking to the Bible for inspiration in order to help you raise your son to be a classic man and not postmodern metrosexual.

Doug Giles is so hard core, even some evangelicals are too fruity for him. Equal rights for women? Silence, you dandy priss!

How to Keep Jackasses Away From Daddy’s Girl is here to help fathers with daughters. In my new book, I table scores of road-tested, historically proven, can’t miss principles for raising girls with a fighting spirit, discernment, a winning attitude, and a holy vision to overcome this feces filled culture.

You will learn in the next 150 finger-burning pages how to teach your daughters to fight, shoot guns, sense BS, be classy, despise anti-intellectualism, be visionaries, party without going Britney, the value hunting and the outdoors, the importance of traditional convictions, and how to avoid the date from hell.

There’s more where that came from. No doubt, Doug Giles has the answers that every conservative parent needs, but read carefully, lest you burn your fingers from the licking flames of right-wing truth!

He’s at his best when pronouncing his animus for teaching kids about homosexuality. You see, Doug Giles is 100% man and 1000% straight man.

When his member becomes erect at the sight of a sexy woman — make that his sexy Christian wife — it’s like the flagpole on Iwo Jima, proudly waving aloft the American standard as his nuts thump out the beat of “The Star Spangled Banner. ” His seed is made in the USA and destined only for the willing embrace of a childbearing womb.

Why don’t I let him preach it:

I’m a rabid heterosexual. There, I said it. I’m outing myself. I know it’s not cool in this gay day to like the opposite sex. And I’m sure there will be those reflexively irate gays who will call me latent. As far as I can tell, however, I’m straight and wholeheartedly love the fact that God blessed us boys with girls. Yep, good job with the girlies, God, and muchas gracias, Señor Yahweh, for creating the chicas bonitas. In the immortal words of Borat, “I like. Very nice.” Call me weird.

As far as I am concerned, the lovely lady lumps, in all their shapes and sizes, trump a dude any old day. Yep, I guess I didn’t get the “gay gene.” (By the way, the only gay genes that I know of are the ones Versace makes.)

So … don’t ever look for me to switch teams, as I am completely and giddily content—yea, even prideful—about my heterosexuality.

Needless to say, if you missed his session at CPAC, why don’t you go burn your bra, you fey communist feces-face!

Glenn Beck closed CPAC out with an inspiring speech that identified the real enemies to America’s freedom and greatness. Dana Milbank reports:

“It is still morning in America,” Beck said. “It just happens to be kind of a head-pounding, hung-over, vomiting for four hours” morning. “The question is what made us sit there in the john vomiting for four hours?”

He scribbled “progressivism” on the board and said it afflicts Republicans as well as Democrats. “I’m so sick of hearing people say, ‘Oh, Republicans are going to solve it all.’ Really? It’s just progressive-light.

“It’s like somebody sticking a screwdriver in your eye,” he continued, “and somebody else pulls it out and puts a pin in your eye. I don’t want stuff in my eye!”

In an apparent reference to John McCain, Beck condemned a “guy in the Republican Party who says his favorite president is Theodore Roosevelt.” He then read disapprovingly the Roosevelt quote that “we grudge no man a fortune in civil life if it is honorably obtained and well used . . . so long as the gaining represents benefit to the community.”

“Is this what the Republican Party stands for?” Beck demanded. He was answered with boos and cries of “no!” “It’s big government, it’s a socialist utopia and we need to address it as if it is a cancer.”

Obama, no doubt, will be delighted to learn that he has been joined in the conservatives’ ire by the Hero of San Juan Hill.

Beck went on. “It’s not enough just to not suck as much as the other side.”

The CPAC activists gave this line a standing ovation.

Before everyone headed home, they took a straw poll to see who the conference attendees thought should be our next President once the Kenyan “half breed muslin” is tossed out on his terrorist-loving keister.

The winner? Not Mitt Romney (23 percent), not Tim Pawlenty (6 percent) — not even Sarah Palin (7 percent). Ron Paul dominated with 31 percent of the vote.




About Alpine McGregor
Just like you, man. I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase. All in the game, though, right?

One Response to CPAC Was Awesome This Year

  1. Robert Feeley says:

    The proof that Obama was conceived in the U.S. is in – exclusive from SPN Headlines:

    Have a great day! 🙂

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