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Jennifer Love Hewitt, Prostitution Whore

We recently held a screening of the latest Lifetime made-for-TV movie, “The Client List,” at ROTI headquarters. Let me be the first to inform you that it is a masterpiece.

When it comes to Lifetime movies, the bar has been set pretty high. Perhaps the network’s finest film to date is “Sex, Lies & Obsession,” the brilliant 2001 flick in which Lisa Rinna plays the victimized wife of a sex-addicted Harry Hamlin: the scene where she finds his secret porno stash and recoils in horror is one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever seen.

I would be remiss not to mention the terrific effort that was “Who is Clark Rockefeller?” — a recent film in which Eric McCormack [Will from Will & Grace] gave the performance of his life as the German-turned-WASP con man. The scenes in which he portrays the blond, teenage, Kraut-accented Christian Gerhartsreiter are beyond marvelous.

And who could forget Tori Spelling in the classics “Co-Ed Call Girl” and “Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?

But despite this sterling track record of making amusingly dramatic films that never fail to deliver unintentional comedy value, Lifetime has clearly outdone itself with “The Client List.”

I don’t know about you, but a film that stars Jennifer Love Hewitt as a former Texas beauty queen down on her luck, forced to turn tricks to put food on her family’s table…and who then gets addicted to the attention of flabby johns who fly in from all over the world to sample her delights…only to be arrested and jailed, her secrets broadcast all over the city by the insatiable media, threatening everything she holds dear…well, that’s a film that I am not going to miss.

If you can’t handle TV movie spoilers, read no further!

So here’s the situation at the beginning of the film: JLH and her husband, portrayed by Teddy Sears, are unemployed, flat broke, and behind on their mortgage. She’s a former beauty queen who married the local football star, only to see her dreams shattered when her hubby blew out his knee.

Now he’s unable to work construction due to his injury, she’s been laid off from her job as a massage therapist, and their three ungrateful little kids keep demanding that food be put on the table.

It doesn’t help that her judgy mom, portrayed by Cybill Shepherd, has filled J. Love’s head with nonsense about how a woman should always get by on her looks.

The first indication of this film’s awesomeness comes when the Hortons (for that is the name of this fictional clan) head to the local bank to negotiate an extension on their mortgage.

Foreclosure is looming, but Sam Horton (J. Love’s alter ego) has a brilliant plan: dangle her massive mamm-globes in the face of the banker to persuade him to bend the rules.


When this shockingly fails to work, J. Love goes to Plan B: describing in precise detail the conditions under which they’d signed off on their mortgage, including some shady dealing by the banker.

It seems Sam Horton has an incredible memory for specifics, and she uses it to intimidate the scalawag into granting them a one-month extension.

Having foreshadowed the shit out of the rest of the plot, “The Client List” quickly cuts to the chase.

The story accelerates as J. Love scores a miracle job at a health spa located in a distant town. She’ll be able to use her massage therapy skills to pay the bills! Crisis averted!

At first, the job at amusingly-named Kind Touch Health Spa seems like the answer to the Horton family’s prayers. The owners welcome Sam with open arms and tell her she can start right away.

But as Sam observes one of her new co-workers tending to a client, she quickly realizes that there’s more to this job than therapeutic massage. Though the Lifetime audience does not care to see any details, and thus we’re only treated to the most tasteful camera angles and cutaways, she watches in horror as a barely-legal teen gives a hairy old man the most expensive beej of his life.

J. Love is traumatized and flees the spa. It seems her dream job isn’t going to work out after all.

But as she drives home, she gets a call from her best girlfriend, who tends a local bar. Hubby Horton is passed out drunk after spending a depressing day standing outside the Home Depot with the rest of the no-good day laborers. She picks him up, only to discover that they’re out of gas and don’t have more than a dollar to fill the tank.

That’s when Love knows what she has to do. She calls Kind Touch Health Spa and begs for her job back.

She’s going to take her talents to Sex Beach.

[Standing ovation in the ROTI screening room.]

Sam’s first time turning a trick doesn’t go well at first. It seems she’d rather dispense marital counseling than deliver a sex job. She even takes a phone call from her daughter, which is just gross. But just as the john is about to bail and starts pulling up his pants, she bites the bullet and disrobes, displaying her magnificent assets. Let’s just say he has a change of heart.

When she heads home that evening, J. Love has a wallet full of cash. She brings home gifts for the kids and pays the mortgage. Her husband can’t believe his good fortune — he can afford to send his awkward son to play flag football. She confides in her bartendress bestie, who warns her not to get addicted to the sex trade.

Nonetheless, J. Love is getting accustomed to boofing the businessmen and bigwigs that patronize Kind Touch…and the money and attention that come with the gig. She justifies her actions in amusing soliloquies delivered in a woefully inconsistent Texas accent to the little angel statue on her dashboard.

Through an outstanding montage, we see how Sam gains confidence as a hooker — she comes through the door in a series of titillating outfits, her visage slowly transforming from anxiousness to sultriness.

It turns out that Sam has a special talent for the world’s oldest profession. Using her superpowers of memory, she always remembers what the johns like — oatmeal cookies, rusty trombones — and what they’re stressed about in their home lives.

Not to mention her superpowers as a sexual dynamo turning a dozen tricks a day (tragically, this is never actually shown onscreen). She fields marriage proposals and a parade of old, flabby, hairy dudes fly in to town on private jets just to bone her. The other girls at the “health spa” are getting jealous!

The money is rolling in now, and she showers her family with gifts at Christmastime. J. Love herself is decked out with jewelry showered upon her by worshipful clients. She buys her husband a new motorcycle to celebrate his new job as an extermination company trainee. Even her critical mother is silenced by an expensive holiday gift.

Whoring a ton is the best thing that ever happened to the Horton family!

Sadly, though, Sam is boning so many dudes that she barely sees her family, missing her kid’s first flag football touchdown. She’s falling asleep at the wheel, even driving into a ditch to avoid an accident. Worst of all, she’s too tired to give her husband any V on the side.

That’s when this otherwise obvious movie takes a twist that I honestly didn’t see coming.


Noticing her fatigue, one of her clients offers her a baggie of fine Columbian. She refuses at first, but he insists on tucking it inside her purse.

Later that night, all J. Love wants to do is crash, but her daughter needs her to whip something up for the big bake sale at school. She can barely keep her eyes open as she strains to read the cook book.

Suddenly, she notices her purse, tantalizing her with its powdery contents. A slow zoom in on the handbag depicts the tantalizing lure of the bad shit.

This moment didn’t have any dialogue, but the interior monologues of J. Love and her purse were abundantly clear:


The bake sale is saved, but the dark side of hooking has emerged.

Once J. Love starts sniffing blow, her life quickly begins to unravel. She’s turning more tricks than ever before, but she’s falling apart. Her mom notices that she’s gotten freakishly thin. When her daughter innocently asks her “Mom, are you going to get more Coke?” she freaks out before realizing the little girl means soda. While she once serviced clients with a personal touch, she now gets right down to business.

Worst of all, she’s turned into an all-out coke whore who will “make it worth your while” for a baggie of happy powder.

The movie demonstrates her downfall by making her look like a hardened drug addict mere weeks after she begins her habit. It took Lindsey Lohan YEARS of snorting and boning to achieve the deterioration in her looks that Sam Horton accomplishes in a month or so:


But the worst is yet to come…

Sam encourages one of her co-workers to leave the business and seek refuge at a nearby Christian Fellowship center. The ex-hooker quickly dimes out Kind Touch Health Spa to the bible-thumpers, who in turn put the local police on speed dial.

This has no effect, because the crafty folks at Kind Touch have been giving the coppers free bonetime for years. But when the Christian Fellowship crew get the mayor’s office on the line, they get results. It’s an election year and the mayor is looking to get some good publicity. She orders a crackdown on Kind Touch!

J. Love gets arrested for hooking and blowcaine possession, and hauled out in front of a bevy of television cameras. Her husband is watching the Cowboys game at the bar when the breaking news is splashed across the screen!

Here’s where Teddy Sears, in the role of the husband, really steps up his game. The look on his face when he sees the mother of his children hauled out of a Texas whorehouse in prosti-garb is Daytime Emmy-worthy:

After this shocking turn of events, J. Love is facing two years in the slammer. Her husband takes the kids away and her mother won’t take her calls. Total humiliation in the community follows. Now she’s not just talking to the angel on her dashboard, she’s pretty much talking to herself non-stop. She’s lost everything, including her sanity.

But J. Love still has a trump card to pull — her ridiculously good memory. With help from the other hoes at Kind Touch, she puts together a list of all the upstanding pillars of the community who patronized their services…if they’re going down, they’re going to bring down all the johns in Texas with them.

Her lawyer uses that to get the ladies a get-out-of-jail free card, and the publication of the list in the local papers turns the scandal back on the horndogs.

Not only that, but she’s able to capitalize on her newfound fame as the finest sex machine in Texas. A mob of betrayed women converge on her house, but instead of tearing her limb from limb, they beg her for tips on how to please their men!

The ever-resourceful Sam Horton thus rebuilds her social capital by instructing her neighbors on the finer points of dude arousal:

And just like that, she gets her life back together. Her mom finds some sympathy in her cold, brittle heart. J. Love kicks the habit and gets her Narcotics Anonymous 60 days clean badge. Even her husband seems to be open to a reconciliation.

Unlike the last film I shared with y’all, this one has a happy ending! How apropos for a film about HJs for pay!

If you’d like to watch this brilliant piece of cinema for yourself, I have great news. It’s available on demand at Lifetime’s website!

According to TV by the Numbers, “The Client List” pulled down very respectable viewership numbers. Hooray for Lifetime original movies!

It’s time to give props to the MVP of this fine film. Jennifer Love Hewitt is simply magical in the role of Samantha Horton. I think this may be the best performance she has ever delivered.

You know, some people like to make fun of JLH for being a little chunky in the hip zone. There are rumors about her being wicked uptight sexually that seem pretty plausible. Her perpetually failing relationships with dorks like Jamie Kennedy and the singer from LFO (may he rest in peace) do her no favors. And her career has clearly sputtered, why else would she be headlining a Lifetime movie?

Regardless, J. Love’s performance in this film is spot on. (Yes, it would have been a thousand times better if she showed boob or had a sex scene, but that’s just not what you get from the Lifetime genre.) Few other actresses could have nailed the combination of goody-two-shoes pageant queen and cleavage-for-miles Texas whore that she achieves in this movie. You could chalk it up to natural sexiness and charm, or perhaps a lifetime of experience in the acting biz…

But I’m inclined to think her secret is a vajazzled no-no. It just spreads its sparkle throughout J. Love’s entire being and throughout this film itself.

Shine on, you crazy diamond.

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About Alpine McGregor
Just like you, man. I got the shotgun, you got the briefcase. All in the game, though, right?

2 Responses to Jennifer Love Hewitt, Prostitution Whore

  1. TQB says:

    This is EXACTLY the follow-up needed after that Threads post.

  2. damiana00 says:

    Wow that poor stupid creature. I actually feel sorry for her. She seems so desperate and in need of acknowledgement of her sexiness…..and that stems from something else much more desperate. She could stand still and be sexy but I guess being in the public eye one gets beat down and starts to look for validation in darker places.
    This show is yet another example of how whoring oneself is glorified or glossed over, the actual degrading act of lowering one’s morality to survive when really….in this country, there are ALWAYS alternatives. There is a sad movement towards this, increased porn usage online perverted kids perspectives of love and intimacy and rape, increased sex slavery around the world and increased objectification.
    Yay…we’ve come a long way baby. Not.

    I hope she finds her way back to confident again without using her sexuality.

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