FOTI #33: Braless Reporter Fired For Blogging
August 9, 2013 Leave a comment
Fortnight on the Internets has some questionable beef!
On this episode, we recount the tale of Shea Allen, an Alabama TV reporter fired for blogging too honestly, and react to the expletive-filled tirades of internet sensation Crazy Rhubarb Lady. In our latest Eight Minute Explanation, we untangle the popular phone app Vine. With music from La Sera, an Internet Challenge Surprise, and lots of great contributions from our Likers.
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Here’s the story of the lab-grown burger that just might represent the dark future of cuisine. “It looked like a burger. It smelled like a burger. It tasted, well, almost like a burger.”
No better song for this momentous occasion than “Questionable Beef,” by friends of the podcast Lola Balatro.
Internet Report Card
Even in the doldrums of summer, there’s still plenty to discuss — and JUDGE — across the internets.
#1. Shea Allen, The Braless Reporter
1. I’ve gone bra-less during a live broadcast and no one was the wiser.2. My best sources are the ones who secretly have a crush on me.3. I am better live when I have no script and no idea what I’m talking about.4. I’ve mastered the ability to contort my body into a position that makes me appear much skinner in front of the camera than I actually am.5. I hate the right side of my face.6. I’m frightened of old people and I refuse to do stories involving them or the places they reside.7. Happy, fluffy, rainbow stories about good things make me depressed.8. I’ve taken naps in the news car.9. If you ramble and I deem you unnecessary for my story, I’ll stop recording but let you think otherwise.10. I’ve stolen mail and then put it back. (maybe)
Really, I think her true crime was using a Blogger account. What is this, 2004?!
Oh, and here’s her super fresh-faced mugshot.
All perps should be so lucky.
#2. Crazy Rhubarb Lady
Here’s the video of the rampaging freegan who set the Internets alight with her expletive-laden charm.
Michael K of Dlisted said it best, as usual:
If the minds of Trey Parker and Matt Stone and the mind of John Waters violently humped each other raw, they’d create this human strawberry in a dusty, garage sale wig. This joy to the world is serious about her rhubarb and when she’s caught picking rhubarb that’s overgrowing from a neighbor’s yard into the “alley property,” she turns into a fuck-throwing insult machine. Every time she opens her yap trap, she sounds like she’s having a painful, bowel movement and she kind of is, through her mouth. I’m just going to stop here and give you some of the rotten rhubarb-covered gems that Susan Boyle’s long-lost insane American bitch sister spits at her neighbor (who I’m pretty sure is Mickey Mouse):
“You Pinnochio fucking nose, go mind your own business!”
“This doesn’t have your name on it. Where’s your name, bitch? Where’s your name, bitch?”
“Don’t call me sweetheart, honeybun. What are you? A fucking lezzie?”
“Have some coffee, you’re drunk as a skunk!”
“You shut your goddamn mouth, why don’t you go in there and lose some weight, you big fatass.”
Even Rapunzel’s witch wouldn’t come at this cuntified mess. I’m sure that as soon as she got home, the Crazy Rhubarb Lady baked a rhubarb pie for the orphans of her town and I’m sure that rhubarb pie was poisoned.
#3. CollegeHumor Subway Panhandler Prank
Be sure to make it to the end for the
VitaminWater ad heartwarming hug.
Our Musical Guest: LA SERA
Our musical guest this fortnight is La Sera, the solo project of “Kickball” Katy Goodman. She’s well-known as the bassist and harmony queen for Vivian Girls, and bassist in Upset…the newest collaboration fronted by fellow Vivian Girl and friend of the podcast Ali Koehler, who with Katy Goodman has some of the best hair in rock today.
(Upset’s line up also includes Patti Schemel, formerly the drummer for Hole and subject of the pretty great rock doc Hit So Hard that came out last year, and whose dog care service’s website was a one-time Internet Challenge Surprise because of its sheer awesomeness. Needless to say the FOTI tie-ins here are ENDLESS and the music is pretty amazing too.)
Internet Challenge Surprise!
Fatal Farm’s disturbing, creative, bizarre, brilliant remixes of classic 80s/90s TV themes.
Warning: the Duck Tales one may scar you for life.
Eight Minute Explanation: Vine!
On our latest attempt to break down an internet phenomenon in a succinct and informative manner, we take on the popular video-sharing app Vine…
- What is Vine and how do you use it?
- What’s fun about Vine, and what’s not so fun?
- Who are some great/memorable Viners?
- Instagram’s challenge to Vine and the Facebook/Twitter proxy battle it represents
- Breaking: the YouTube founders are now entering the market with their app MixBit
- We didn’t have time to get to this, but there’s also the issue of wireless networks potentially collapsing under the load of massive amounts of video streaming, collapsing networks and obliterating life as we know it. So there’s that.
So there you have it! The bottom line: VINE THOUGHTFULLY.
Shoutout to the Likers!
You aren’t truly enjoying FOTI unless you are a Facebook Liker. So like…get on that NAOW.
This Fortnight we need to show love to….
- Matthew R sent us Why Chi Phi? This amazing fraternity video from 80s USC will mesmerize you. Before you know it, you’ll be pledging your life to Chi Phi.
- Dave B sent us The Tampon Queen. “It’s like Santa…for your vagina!” Terrific ad for tampon-delivery business HelloFlo.
- All-time favorites Neil C and Andrew W sent us the Subway Panhandler and the Crazy Rhubarb Lady, respectively. That kind of steady Report Card level contribution is why they’re two of the four likers with two LOTF crowns.
All of which brings us to our LikerZ of the Fortnight — LIKERS ASHLEY and BART for their fearless Twitter support! They have been pretty cool lately, retweeting and FFing. Thank you Ashley and Bart for giving us many a shoutout. And everyone else (especially vampire fans) add The Originals to your DVR ASAP!
Thanks for listening! See you in two weeks!