Granite, Marble, Onyx…Foreclosure


Gaze upon the stately manse of Teresa Giudice, Real Housewife of New Jersey.

Bravo’s Real Housewives “franchise” is a truly wacky collection of ladies from around the nation, and it seemed impossible back in May that the Jersey girls could outdo legends like crazy NeNe from Atlanta, trampy Gretchen from Orange County, and haughty Countess de Lesseps from NYC in terms of sheer personality and outrageousness.

Yet Teresa and her partners in crime proceeded to deliver one of the most bizarre, compelling, and hilarious reality TV runs in recent memory.

Danielle was a former coke whore and snitch who had phone sex with someone called “Gucci Model!” Caroline’s son Christopher wanted to open up a chain of strip club car washes! Dina’s husband was mysteriously absent and potentially mobbed up! There was also a boring one, but 4/5 is a pretty good track record.

Teresa was arguably the best character on the whole show, with a tiny forehead, three little daughters that she relentlessly stage-mothered, a ridiculous guido husband from the “construction” industry, a fat bankroll of cash, and newly implanted fake “bubbies.”

My favorite, though, was the absurdly large house she built for herself, which she proudly declared was composed of only “granite, marble and onyx.” This nouveau riche masterpiece would have made Louis XIV feel ashamed.

Now, in a startling turn of events, the bank is foreclosing on Teresa Giudice’s mob mansion.

Let’s take a look back at the house – and the woman – that grabbed our attention last spring and made our lives more magical, forever.


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