The Best Christmas Songs That They Never Play

I don’t know about you but I have just about had it with the secular Christmas music that’s pumping out of every available speaker. We’re constantly entreated to enjoy “the most wonderful time of the year,” but the overplayed anthems simply remind me of 50% off sales at the department store chains and all the stresses of holiday shopping.

I’m tired of being regaled with bogus tales of magical snowmen, the preposterous conceit of a “marshmallow world,” and being forced to endure the cringeworthy date rape anthem known as “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” Even worse are the songs that make me feel bad about poverty and the rotten things going on in the world, like I really need a downer like that when I’m driving through the snow to the insanely crowded mall. And I can barely hold in a barf when I hear some harlot cooing about “Santa Baby.” GROSS, keep your fat old man fetish to yourself!

Traditional, religious Christmas music is fine with me: the best of the best has been distilled out of centuries’ worth of composers’ reflections upon the sacred mystery of the infant deity. Tough to argue with that.

I have no beef with a well-written Christmas song, especially if it has poignant lyrics and an iconic vocal. A few often-played songs from the modern era will truly stand the test of time…I’m thinking about gems like “White Christmas” by Bing, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” by Judy G, “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” by Perry Como, and “The Christmas Song” by the Velvet Fog. (Also, I used to hate “The Little Drummer Boy,” but this version redeems it for all time.)

The rest of the stuff you’re hearing incessantly this month, on the other hand, constitutes a poo-borne disease. These rarely-heard songs are the antidote.

CHRISTMAS UPDATE! Now with Spotify playlist.

Rufus Thomas – “I’ll Be Your Santa, Baby”

This song is awesome. Recorded in 1973, it opens with a roar and doesn’t let up “until 1984.” Hide your wife, Rufus Thomas is coming to town!

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